Long term relationship, advice needed

[FunAquaUser]

hello
been with my long term partner for 22 years (only person I have been with) we have 2 kids who are 4 and 7. We have been through some rough patches over the past couple of years and nearly split up at the beginning of this year my partner didn’t want to and I decided it was best to try and work on things but now I’m regretting that decision.
i think I mainly stayed for the children and because I was worried about being on my own and the finances but also I’ve spent more than half my life with him so it was scary at the thought of splitting up but staying together I just feel like it was the wrong decision for me. I don’t really enjoy his company, we have no fun together and I have no desire to have sex but I feel like I can’t break his heart and upheave the children’s lives over my own unhappiness. It’s not like things are really bad but I’m nearly 40 and I’m starting to think is this all there is to life and once the kids are older and don’t need me anymore I won’t have any fulfilment in my life. I don’t think I want a life with no sex or sex I don’t enjoy I want to experience that passion and desire again but I don’t think it will ever come in this relationship.
does anyone have any advice, have you been at this point and turned things around or is it past that point?
im sick of constantly feeling fed up and unhappy and unfulfilled but it’s also unfair on my partner too , he deserves someone who will make him happy but he’s happy to just plod along with things for the sake of the kids. I feel like it would have been best to split when it was nearly happening but now it’s worse to put him through all that again after saying I’d work on things. Although I don’t feel he makes much effort to make this relationship better either.

OP, what a hard place to be in - you have my sympathy for that feeling of being completely stuck in an unhappy situation.

Just thinking in practical terms, have you had any kind of marriage guidance? Do you know the writer Esther Perel? Have you seen any Couples Therspy? Have you had any therspy/counselling yourself?

Also, congratulations for trying to save the marriage. One with children is worth all massive efforts to see if it can be saved.

You may find out more strategies in therapy on your own. I leaned in therapy that distress can make us catastrophize and become blind to the whole picture. There may be scope for change on both sides that you can’t see yet. Change that time and personal work could take your marriage to a good place.

Good luck and you are not alone.

Agrre with pp, counselling might help. It's good that you're trying to rescue the relationship, at least you can say you have made every effort even if it doesn't work out.

One more thing you can do (or try to do!) is build some fun back into the relationship. "Date night" might be too much but a regular (maybe weekly) activity that you both enjoy and do together as a couple. Cinema, dance class, language class even, maybe something new or something you used to enjoy together. A chance to enjoy each other's company without the baggage.

The third thing you could do is to develop your own life and activities apart from him so that you're not so reliant on him and resenting him for not being there for you. That will make life easier if you do split up, but also make you more fulfilled in yourself and more of an interesting person his eyes so less likely to split up. So it's a win either way.

If you both feel the same way then why not separate while you can do it relatively amicably?

If you don’t feel the same way then have a think about when the relationship was good, Did you ever enjoy his company? Have fun? Enjoy sex with him? If yes what’s changed? If no then the chances of that changing are zero.

FWIW my xdh and I both remarried very happily even though he absolutely didn’t want to split up at the time.

Why is your man's happiness seemingly more important than your own?. It is not and you are not selfish for wanting to put your own self first for a change. Your kids are going to pick up on the antipathy between you and their dad and they could start putting others first with their own needs and wants dead last. It is no legacy to leave them.

As for staying together for the sake of the children whose sake did you stay for really because it could be argued here you both stayed for your own reasons or out of habit. Not for the kids at all.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. Better surely to be apart than to plod along in a relationship when you feel he is not really committed to improving things.

What I can say after reading your message:
1 You did the right thing by deciding to work on the relationship.
You can always tell yourself in the future: "I tried."

2 First of all, you need to think about yourself, not about the children.
The children will grow up - think about your future.

3 I don't see any specifics. What is it about the relationship that doesn't work for you? What is it about your husband that you don't like?