how do I stop messaging this person?

[lovenotwar149]

I have been NC/very low contact with my dad for a long time now, some years. I started seeing him again (a bit) b/c he went to a care Home and I felt guilty. Its now NC again as he's very abusive.
Since FULLY accepting and grieving the loss , in quite a dignified way , I have noticed a pattern of behaviour in myself with other men. NOT my hubby btw, thats quite solid. I have a male friend who I work with , all very platonic, who is infact quite like my dad. Not abusive overtly, more covertly. i.e. delayed responses, or no responses with poor excuses, cancelling plans etc , then being so lovely on other occasions and I feel so anxious/confused much of the time etc etc
Whilst I recognise the pattern, I keep chasing/apologising/thinking it's my fault...just like I did with my dad. OMG!! The chasing is decreasing with more awareness of my behaviours for sure , and the anxiety is less than it was , b/c I have pulled back most definitely, yet I still keep showing up for him and excusing his behaviour ...JUST like I did with my dad for YEARS!!!!!!
Any thoughts people???

Do you think it will just gradually decrease further the more the awareness grows etc etc

I keep thinking he hates me much of the time. My dad has told me he hates me in the past

Block him & delete his number.

If this man is not your husband then you need to try and treat him like you would any other friend or colleague. Would you behave this way with a female friend?
How would completely blocking him work if you work with him? I would say that the more aware you are if your behaviours the more likely you are to call yourself out and stop.

Block, it’s very simple

It would be awkward to block him because I see him at work

I agree , the more aware I become, the more likely I am to call myself out and stop. The is already happening infact, so yes it's on the way...thanks for the reminder!

I guess the pattern I am noticing is, whilst I am no longer in touch with my dad ,I seem to unconsciously resonate with other men that induce the same impact on mr that my dad has. They keep popping up! When looking at it objectively ,it does make complete sense. Awareness is key!

You sound very aware. I had similar patterns with older females at work linked to my poor relationship with my mother. I’m a lot older now and it doesn’t happen so
much. Well done for spotting it. Stop any messages and just keep everything professional within work channels. There may well be a dynamic playing out. Best thing is to step entirely away from it.

What you're doing is called fawning. When confronted with abusive people, we flee, fight, freeze, or fawn. You learned to fawn with your frightening and hate-filled father to keep yourself safe as a kid, and now you do it with men who behave like your father. It's a learned reflex in many women: many of us grow up noticing male aggression and knowing we would lose badly in a physical confrontation with them, so we have a tendency to freeze or fawn when were confronted with threatening or aggressive men.

Fawning pleases aggressive men greatly, so they tend to come back for more.

I have the desire to fawn myself a bit when I encounter an aggressive man (eg a bullying coworker, or alpha type H of a friend). When that happens, I recognize what it is and resist it. I try to end the encounter as soon as possible and avoid further encounters with that person. That person will never be safe for me and I want them nowhere near me.

Recognising it for what it is is the first step to controlling it and stopping yourself from running anxiously after rude arsehole men.

Not abusive overtly, more covertly. i.e. delayed responses, or no responses with poor excuses, cancelling plans etc , then being so lovely on other occasions and I feel so anxious/confused much of the time etc etc

a different take on this. If this is a coworker why are you and he "making plans", what sort of plans? Delayed responses, well I don't see that as abusive, fact is he doesn't have an obligation to respond in any timeframe, if he even knows that's your expectation. Sounds complicated. Does your DH know?

if he's a coworker, keep it strictly to business, in general, don't give people at work your mobile number.

Change his name in your contacts to DO NOT MESSGE. Reply politely but not instantly if he instigates any chat. Don't make plans to meet up.

Move the relationship slowly back from friends to colleagues.

I kind of agree with PP that he doesn't sound abusive. Just busy and distracted with other priorities. But if this is affecting your self esteem then you don't need to keep it going.

*DO NOT MESSAGE

The edit function isn't working for me!

This, what plans are you making with him? What are your messages about? If it’s work stuff and you see at work, why the need for the constant contact?

OMG that is genius re changing his name too DO NOT MESSAGE. thank you soooo much, what a great tip!!! I am going to do that!!! Excellent!!!