Fallen out of love after long marriage, struggling with guilt and leaving

[Doddlesparkles]

I have been with my husband since we were 19 and we are now 42 and 43. We have had so many ups and downs over the years and a lot of lows. He was very selfish at times travelling a lot for football matches and basically doing a lot of what he wanted. He cheated when I was pregnant but I forced myself to overcome it as I was a new mum and scared to do it alone. As time has gone by and our daughter is now older and an adolescent, I've realised I've held on to a lot of resentment and come to understand that I have actually fallen out of love with him. We have everything we need and it's a bold move but I want to move on. He is not taking it well and guilting me so much so, that I feel I need to again squash my true feelings and stay with him because I feel bad and am an empath. I'm so lost but I really don't want to be with him any more. I just feel like it's what I must do as I don't want to hurt anyone. My heart is too big :-( he is truly heartbroken!

Maybe give therapy a try?

I would but the love has gone on my part and I know in my heart, I cannot get it back. Do I be selfish and part ways or stay and regret it but keep him happy

He is responsible for his happiness not you. You know what to do

Absolutely go! You are both young enough to be truly happy with someone else. I am in a similar situation but 20 years down the line from you and wish I'd gone years ago. I sometimes think the worst is actually telling them, it's onwards and upwards from there. Good luck x

You have sacrificed enough, live for you x

I went mid 50s. Best decision I ever made. Truthfully I am absolutely living my best life on my own terms and completely loving it

Thanks so much xx

so wonderful to hear and gives me hope x

I would go. And I wouldn't feel guilty. He is reaping what he sowed when he was younger. Unfortunately he might be heartbroken now, but he didn't mind leaving all the shit detail to you and cheating on you whilst you were pregnant.

I'm not surprised the resentment has grown. It's his own fault and he needs to accept that. You have nothing to feel guilty about. He caused you to fall out of love with him by behaving like a tosser.

If he tries to guilt you again point this out to him.

It's OK to feel bad - and still do it anyway.

It'll actually be better for him as well not to live with someone who doesn't love him anymore and who resents him.

Sure, he doesn't realise that yet.
Sure, splitting up is painful.
Sure, change is hard.
It doesn't mean it's not for the best.

If you're too soft with people and give in because they cry or whatever, it's not really good for them or you.

Being empathetic doesn't mean you can't do what needs to be done. Like if you were a nurse, you know the needle is going to hurt, but the patient needs the medication.

Life is not about running around fixing other people's booboos at the expense of your own needs. That's just martyrdom.

I think it is totally normal to feel bad, you’ve been together for a long time and even if you no longer love someone it’s never nice to feel like you are hurting someone. BUT, and it is a big but, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t leave. Life is too short x

Definately go through with it.

Not being true to yourself is the worst thing you can do in life. It eats away at you day by day.

He is grasping at anything so don’t be surprised if this supposed heartbreak suddenly changes when he realises you are going to go ahead with it.

You were not put on this earth to please other people.

Well, he's continuing to show how he's always been--behaving in his own best interests regardless of how it affects you. he doesn't care that you will live an unhappy life as long as he gets what he wants.

It's not selfish to have your big heart redirected to yourself. Many women are nurturers by nature, but when you're not nurturing yourself, that's really sad. You have to have your own back for your own precious life on this planet, because really, you can't always count on others to do what you should be doing yourself.

He doesn't know it, but you will be doing him a favor by freeing him to perhaps find a woman who will truly love him and be happy with him. But regardless of how his life turns out, he's an adult and will figure it out. He will no longer be your concern, besides wishing him well as the father of your child.

In your shoes, I'd not say anything for the time being while removing him as an approved user of your credit cards, bank accounts, etc. Remove him as a beneficiary in any of your accounts. Consult with a legal representative. And then draw up the legal paperwork, presenting it, and have a spine that you will not be changing your mind, while reminding him it's in your daughter's best interest to keep a pleasant environment for her. That from now on, co-parenting will be the only discussion you will have, besides hashing out legalities.

Do you have extended family in the area for support? I don't suggest leaving the home, as that might negatively impact you, which you can ask the legal rep about. But you might make yourself scarce more often, so that you can lessen your time around him until separate lodging can happen.

Breakups are upsetting for everyone, so there is no way of getting around that. But now you will have a chance to build the next chapter of your life any way you choose. Don't let anybody get in the way of you doing that. Read some books on building your self-love, since being a sacrificial lamb to your own detriment is not healthy and abusing yourself. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

P.S. I'm speaking as someone who has experienced something similar, and began divorce proceedings when I was close to your age.

As always @category12 has completely nailed it. This with bells on:

"category12 · Today 15:22
It's OK to feel bad - and still do it anyway.
It'll actually be better for him as well not to live with someone who doesn't love him anymore and who resents him.
Sure, he doesn't realise that yet.
Sure, splitting up is painful.
Sure, change is hard.
It doesn't mean it's not for the best.
If you're too soft with people and give in because they cry or whatever, it's not really good for them or you.
Being empathetic doesn't mean you can't do what needs to be done. Like if you were a nurse, you know the needle is going to hurt, but the patient needs the medication.
Life is not about running around fixing other people's booboos at the expense of your own needs. That's just martyrdom."

It's actually an extremely healthy sign that his mistreatment of you has killed your love for him. Unconditional love is for children. Love between adults should be conditional. If someone treats you badly, you should take your love back. Your H is reaping what he sowed. This is why most of us in long-term relationships don't cheat on our partners, repeatedly leave them alone to do the hard family and household graft whilst we go off on jollies with our friends and don't just generally live life as if we're single.

My mum ended her 32-year marriage to my father because he refused to give up the OW. My mum was in her early 50s. She was still very fond of Dad (in fact, they always maintained a good friendship; they were better at being friends than married really) and she told DSis and me that she felt as if she had shot him. It was very hard for her to remain firm. But she knew it was the right thing to do. About 3 years later, she met a wonderful man and made a very happy second marriage.

This is not all on you. Just because you’re pulling the plug now doesn’t mean this is solely down to you and he doesn’t get to guilt you into staying. He chipped away at your love for him by being selfish over the years, he disrespected you by cheating on you and honestly he’s doing that again by failing to take responsibility for his part in this. You tried staying. It hasn’t worked for you. Just because it’s your decision, doesn’t make it your fault.

And he is also young enough to be happy again. Perhaps he doesn’t want to because he’s scared; perhaps it’s because he loves you with his whole heart and he has spent every day since his affair regretting it and trying to make it up or to you, OR perhaps he just has lazy middle-aged man inertia and would prefer it if nobody messed with his comfortable existence because his own comfort is what truly matters to him.
I know which my money is on!
Go and be happy. It’s a better example to your daughter. Just don’t let him paint you as the villain in all this because you’re not.

You feel you should stay with him because you’re an empath? You must realise that’s nonsense.

I would recommend therapy even if love is gone, will still help you navigate, confront and deal with 23 years of relationship issues, free your head up to move on

No-one feels good about getting divorced. Doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision.

Rip the plaster off. In 12 months time you’ll be on the road to your new life. I filed a year ago, divorce finalised end of last year and he moved out this week. I’m still very sad but ultimately know it’s for the best.

Follow through and leave.Life is way too short to be miserable.Go and live your best life! Good luck 🫶🏻

Think she means he’s making her feel really bad and guilty.And feeding off his emotions

Being selfish isn't always a bad thing, but can also be self preservation.

I left mid forties - best decision I made. Living my best life too! Ask yourself if you can imagine youself where you are today in ten, fifteen, twenty years. If you can't bear it now, how could you possibly bear it in ten or more years. Leave - you have a lot to live for. His happiness is his responsibility. Don't let your compassion become a trap!