Advice needed on moving out from in-laws with two young children

[ChaiAndChat]

Hi all

.I have been married for 4 years and I am British southasian so moved in with my husbands parents as he is the only son and needs to provide for them. I have been really unhappy living with my husbands parents (honestly dont know what i was expecting). I immediately noticed it was a lot harder than I thought it would be:
Not having privacy
Having lots of involvement in my children's upbringing
Not being able to be romantic or spend time with my husband when I need or want too
My mil being quite critical even though I don't think its intentional
My fil being grumpy, angry and giving me silent treatment

Anyway I have two kids a 2.5 year old and 6 month old
My fil was very aggressive towards me (screaming blue murder) and I packed my bags and left. This isn't the first time he has shouted at me either.

Im in contact with my husband and he is telling me to stay with my parents for the immediate future
We have discussed potentially moving out now but my husband will need to financially provide for his parents
I am going to try and get a property in my name and hopefully my husbands if he agrees but the bulk of the mortgage and childcare and bills will be then down to me

Im so scared I wont be able to do it alone and will be forced to go back living with his parents where I have been so utterly miserable

Im currently putting both my kids in nurseries for the free 30 hours
And i will have 30 k towards a deposit

also is thinking about buying a 2 bedroom flat silly becsuee i have a boy and girl and they might need own rooms when older

I dont want to live feeling unsafe anymore

Any advice??

Do it.

Don't worry about the future, keeping yourself and your children safe and housed is the priority. If you can get a 2 bed with your deposit do it. And dont let him move in unless hes equally contributing. It may be cultural to provide for elders, but its certainly not the norm for vast majority of UK people.

OP, I don't know where you live or what house prices are like local to you.
All I can say is I Ieft, bought a house for me and ds, and have survived for 15 years, paying bills and mortgage myself, relaxed and happy.

It hasn't always been easy but it has been far better than the tense misery of before.

Definitely do it. Don't let your dcs grow up in such a threatening atmosphere. It does long lasting damage. Be brave and build your life with your dcs. Your dh can come and join you when he grows a backbone.

Good luck xx

Having no idea about your in-laws ages, their health, if they are retired, and what size of the house/property is, I'll just throw out ideas.

If they are in a large house/property, could that be sold in order for them to downsize to a smaller place, so that it's more affordable for your husband to pay their lodging, so that more of the money could be directed to separate lodging for you and your husband?

If the property is large, could you build an in-law-suite on the property that they move into, and you and your husband and kids live in the big house? In that way, you could have doors locked and boundaries in place, such as family gatherings so they can spend time with grandkids being by invitation only.

As far as purchasing something on your own immediately, I'd hold off. Your kids can still share a room for probably the next 5 years, so renting might be the better option and let you see how things play out in the near future, versus stressing about affording your own place and going back to work and putting kids in daycare.

I feel for you. I could've never stood living with my in-laws. And nobody should have to live in a toxic environment like you've been doing. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Don’t rely on your husband financially or his word right now. He’s putting his parents before his own family and that probably won’t change.

Get yourself the two bed and deal with the need to upgrade to more bedrooms when they’re older.

also apply for CMS.