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Original poster

Anyone understand this?

27 replies

patheticlady · 18/06/2008 11:45

Cos I don't!

I have been seeing this lad since late last year. We hit it off brilliantly, had loads in common, loads to talk about, very easy to talk to, laugh loads when together. Only saw each other a couple of times a week due to distance and the fact that I didn't want to take things too quickly. But whenever I said I was free, he'd be there.

Thing is, when we are apart he doesn't seem to bother with me. Since we met, there have been 4 or 5 instances when we haven't spoken for 2 weeks!! Then one of us will give in and we'll meet up and both admit how much we missed each other, love each other etc and promise never to do it again. The last twice it has been me giving in. I went on hols beginning of month and he phoned/text me every day saying he wanted to get married, move in together etc etc. He was really over the top keen and as soon as I got back he was round saying he couldn't believe how much he missed me. And so I started to think things were on the up.

Anyway, the next time I was due to meet him he didn't turn up. I rang him and he said I had said a different time. I hadn't. And I know he didn't really think that. So I left it. I had a text saying 'sorry, I really wanted to see you today' but I didn't reply and I've heard nothing since. Ten days now.

This man is known for his mind games, but I thought I wouldn't fall for them, even if it meant me making the first move all the time. But to be honest I'm sick of it now.

Time to move on??

OP posts:
Dior · 18/06/2008 11:47

Message withdrawn

GooseyLoosey · 18/06/2008 11:47

Yes - it sounds like he is playing you. I would leave him to do the running and if he doesn't, then you know he is not the one for you. Can you imagine being married to someone who likes playing these games?

girlnextdoor · 18/06/2008 11:47

I suspect that you are both very young?

If you are, this sounds very common behaviour- great times together, but no real staying power or commitment.

You'll only find out if he cares by not contacting him and seeing what happens.

Buda · 18/06/2008 11:48

Definitely time to move on. Mind games are dumb.

Original poster
patheticlady · 18/06/2008 11:48

no, it's okay! I know it's for the best anyway. I feel I have done what I can. I have known him for years and he always ends up on his own and feeling sorry for himself.

I should have known better. And now he's moved away there's no chance of bumping into him so I can move on easier!

OP posts:
Dior · 18/06/2008 11:48

Message withdrawn

Original poster
patheticlady · 18/06/2008 11:49

Girl next door, nope, not young, both late 30's with divorces and 4 kids between us.

I do admit that his behaviour is very immature and if I was younger maybe I would put up with it but at my age I can't be bothered!

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 18/06/2008 11:51

Why would you want to be anywhere near anyone who is "known for his mind games"?

Let him play them with someone else; aren't you worth more?

Original poster
patheticlady · 18/06/2008 11:51

He always says he didn't contact me cos he thought I'd got back together with my XH

He has a real hang up about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
patheticlady · 18/06/2008 11:53

Good point WWB, I told him I am worth more, lol Then again, he is always telling me he's not good enough for me etc, and I think I now agree with him!

I only started seeing him in the first place - knowing what he was like - for a bit of fun as he is a fun kind of person, but I did end up falling for him. Luckily, it's wearing off now so I'm not too upset!

OP posts:
Original poster
patheticlady · 24/06/2008 09:39

thanks for the replies last week....have still heard nothing

Anyway, knowing what he is like, I know he will be back in touch at some point but how can I stop keep checking my phone and emails?
To be honest it's probably better he doesn't get in touch but I keep expecting him to and feel let down everytime he doesn't.

Need to move on, need to move on! But how???.... I'm not particularly upset - he wasn't right for me - but can't stop wishing he would get in touch.

OP posts:
Alfreda · 24/06/2008 10:26

Change your number. You know it makes sense.

Best antidote is to start lusting after someone else, of course. Take a look around. You don't have to act on it.

confusedmamma · 25/06/2008 21:29

I've been through a very similar experience myself and it was very painful. Almost identical scenario to what you described.He kept pulling me in towards him and talking about moving nearer me etc etc. looking back I can see that it was probably a bit of an ego trip for him, he was trying to see how I'd react.
It was like having a kid knocking on your dooor and when you opened it, running away. We're not kids either, both in our 40's. He has a reputation as a heartbreaker and now I can see why. Sheer manipulation. Yet at the same time he's funny, charismatic, sensitive and great company and fantastic in bed.
How to get rid of these feelings? Delete his number, block his e-mails, change your number and actively try to date someone else. Keep busy.
Very very very hard but you'll save yourself loads of pain. Imagine it as a trip to the dentist. A quick filling now or expensive root canal work later !!
It's taken me a year to get over him. Good luck!!!!

Original poster
patheticlady · 27/06/2008 11:35

thanks confused mamma. I have a couple of potential 'dates' but I don't really feel like it to be honest. This man sounds exactly like the man you describe.

Well, last night, after not seeing him for three weeks I got a text saying exactly this 'it wasn't my fault, I knew you got back with him so what you expect? but i still love you'.

Mind games again??

OP posts:
confusedmamma · 27/06/2008 22:08

Very hard to know what to do. Have you ever googled narcissistic personality ? This guy and my ex sound as if they fit the criteria. I've just read a book on it and it really helped me to see it from a different perspective.I would try very hard not to get involved with him....... but if I couldn.t resist then see him but try not to fall for him. Take it as something light, fun and not long-term. Protect yourself.

TheProvincialLady · 27/06/2008 22:14

Yes, mind games. If he loved you he wouldn't have gone AWOL several times before, and he would have kept proper lines of communication open as he would be desperately wanting you not to be with your ex. Doesn't sound like the behaviour of a man in love to me, sorry. Anyway why should you care? You're not in love with him either!

Definitely take confusedmamma's advice and cut off all ties now. Then you can move on. Plus it makes you feel like you are the one in control, which is good. Who wants to be kept hanging on by a 30 something man whose main form of communication is the very meaningful text?

Original poster
patheticlady · 02/07/2008 09:42

I know, it is utterly ridiculous.

He asked me to meet up with him yesterday. I know it was stupid but I agreed, I was going to end it properly so that I didn't keep hanging on for texts, I thought it would bring closure. Anyway, he cancelled to Thursday, then he called and said to meet today. Then he said his heads a mess and can we meet next week and turned his phone off.

Hmmmm.....

OP posts:
themoon66 · 02/07/2008 10:25

He's seeing other people would be my guess.

Next time he says he's not good enough for you, nod your head and agree with him.

Original poster
patheticlady · 02/07/2008 10:37

themoon - what I think it is is that he is a total mess. He drinks too much and smokes too much of the good stuff! He is very dramatic and I can imagine him sitting smoking and drinking himself into a stupor every night while feeling very sorry for himself.

He knows I can only meet him mornings this week and he can't be arsed to get out of bed or knows he will look rough if he does.

I am too good for him, I agree. We are completely different, I am successful, confident, independent with lots of friends. He is has issues, can't hold a relationship down, has few friends and can't even maintain a proper relationship with his DD's.

With this written down I don't know why I am bothered by him - but he 'gets' to me if you know what I mean!

I know I should leave it but I really want to see him, tell him exactly what I think of him and then walk away.

OP posts:
NewlyMarried · 02/07/2008 10:53

Sounds like he went all insecure because you were going on holiday and he seems to like getting sympathy..

I don't think you'd feel any better if you tell him exactly what u think of him. Sometimes we just have to admit defeat and walk away. Do the same as him, turn your phone off and, hard though it is, walk away, save yourself the mind games and find someone who is dying to be with you, talk to you and see you.

If you carry on, you might just find yourself spending years tying to placate this guy. He will drain you and when you need support, you won't get it.

PS: I also think he knows that you will come running when he does the poor me act.

confusedmamma · 02/07/2008 10:59

Please try and walk away from this. I know it's hard but he is as he is for a reason abd that will not change. I still miss my bloke every day but in the long run it's for the best.

Original poster
patheticlady · 02/07/2008 11:06

Thanks newlymarried - what you say is so true.

Confused - I really am trying to walk away.

I was getting loads of headaches when I was seeing him regularly and didn't have one while we were apart. Today I have a terrible headache - he is not good for me!

I think I just want answers before closure, but at the end of the day I know there are no answers, it is all just mind games.

When I need him most he is never there. When I need support he walks away. Yet when he needs support he calls me up, no matter how long we've not been in touch for.

I need a clean break from him, I really do..but it's hard.

Oh well, the rest of my life starts here!

OP posts:
Original poster
patheticlady · 02/07/2008 11:06

Thanks newlymarried - what you say is so true.

Confused - I really am trying to walk away.

I was getting loads of headaches when I was seeing him regularly and didn't have one while we were apart. Today I have a terrible headache - he is not good for me!

I think I just want answers before closure, but at the end of the day I know there are no answers, it is all just mind games.

When I need him most he is never there. When I need support he walks away. Yet when he needs support he calls me up, no matter how long we've not been in touch for.

I need a clean break from him, I really do..but it's hard.

Oh well, the rest of my life starts here!

OP posts:
Jux · 02/07/2008 11:29

Sometimes you won't get answers and you just have to accept that.

Yes, the rest of your life does start here. Enjoy it without headgames.

Original poster
patheticlady · 02/07/2008 13:47

Thanks Jux, I know it makes sense. It's just really helping me to post on here at the moment.

He has sent me a text. Seems he's jealous of me taking my son out for the day with my male friend (married) who I have been best friends with for over 10 years! well, that's his excuse this time at least!

So, I have set up a new email address, sent him an email outlining exactly how I feel, what I think, that it's over, even mentioning that he has a narcissistic personality. I have sent it and then cancelled the email account because I don't want a reply. Any answers would be lies, or mind games. I didn't do it for answers, I did it so that everything I wanted to say has been said and so I have no reason to want to hear from him again.

Right then girls.....I'm off to enjoy my life!

Hope I can stay strong!

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