I have been with my husband 26 years since I was 20, he 27. We have two boys age 17 (18 this year) and 10 (11 this year). There have been good and bad times. He is an excellent father, hard working, generally well tempered. There have been historical issues with respect, division of household labor (me doing everthing despite also working full time) and name calling/anger (now improving since almost breaking up a few years ago).
Our main issue is he has no sex drive, and our sexual life has always been me trying to improve it. We have technically been 'sexless' -less than one time a month since I was about 27/28. I had been trying to improve things constantly, talking about it didn't help. Reading books on rekindling his desire didn't help. Leaving it/bringing it up, wearing lingerie, pressure/no pressure. Dates, massages, friendships, taking the load off him. Nothing helped. It got much worse after I had kids and was made worse by an episode of sexual force by him which then turned ME off, so I did not want to be touched by him.
Most recently, I lost 12 kg after staying about a size 10/12 (BMI 25) (instead of my usual 6/8, BMI 19/20) and he started approaching me again. This was after FOUR YEARS of no interest, no overtures, no compliments, him seeming turned off by me. He himself however was still overweight (about a BMI 31/32) and had put no effort into his own appearance for years.
When we did have sex, it was terrible for me. After four years of a platonic marriage I had lost the connection and any attraction. He seemed to think it would magically come back. It was AWFUL. I was shaking afterwards. I do not want him to touch me even a peck or a hug and I never want to have sex with him again I am sure of that.
However I feel leaving a marriage primarily because of no affection, sex or intimacy is selfish. The children are happy but I am not. I am lonely, my confidence is shot and I am so confused. I have booked in for therapy. Any advice or experiences are very welcome.