Considering leaving long marriage due to lack of intimacy and attraction

[DeepRubySwan]

I have been with my husband 26 years since I was 20, he 27. We have two boys age 17 (18 this year) and 10 (11 this year). There have been good and bad times. He is an excellent father, hard working, generally well tempered. There have been historical issues with respect, division of household labor (me doing everthing despite also working full time) and name calling/anger (now improving since almost breaking up a few years ago).

Our main issue is he has no sex drive, and our sexual life has always been me trying to improve it. We have technically been 'sexless' -less than one time a month since I was about 27/28. I had been trying to improve things constantly, talking about it didn't help. Reading books on rekindling his desire didn't help. Leaving it/bringing it up, wearing lingerie, pressure/no pressure. Dates, massages, friendships, taking the load off him. Nothing helped. It got much worse after I had kids and was made worse by an episode of sexual force by him which then turned ME off, so I did not want to be touched by him.

Most recently, I lost 12 kg after staying about a size 10/12 (BMI 25) (instead of my usual 6/8, BMI 19/20) and he started approaching me again. This was after FOUR YEARS of no interest, no overtures, no compliments, him seeming turned off by me. He himself however was still overweight (about a BMI 31/32) and had put no effort into his own appearance for years.

When we did have sex, it was terrible for me. After four years of a platonic marriage I had lost the connection and any attraction. He seemed to think it would magically come back. It was AWFUL. I was shaking afterwards. I do not want him to touch me even a peck or a hug and I never want to have sex with him again I am sure of that.

However I feel leaving a marriage primarily because of no affection, sex or intimacy is selfish. The children are happy but I am not. I am lonely, my confidence is shot and I am so confused. I have booked in for therapy. Any advice or experiences are very welcome.

Every single time someone says a man is an excellent father, the next few lines highlight that in fact he's an absolutely terrible person.

This is not going to improve. I'm sorry to be harsh, but you deserve so much better. Get your ducks in a row, and get away from him.

IMO- if you’ve got to the stage where the thought of sex with someone is positively repulsive, then that feeling is unlikely to change. So to be brutal about it, you’ve got 3 options: A accept a sexless life, B stay together but get it elsewhere, or C leave him and try to start again. There’s no guarantees with B and C of course (just try looking at any of the OLD threads without wincing). I’d be tempted to treat him as a housemate and try B

Thankyou maybe I should look into that

There is no future in your marriage. If you stay together “for the children” you will be modelling a relationship you would never want them to put up with.

Now I’m feeling really stupid and want to retract my post! It’s too easy to confuse wanting intimacy with wanting that feeling of being loved and wanted, cared for, then intimacy coming from that. Get your therapy. Put yourself first. Don’t do anything that risks grinding down your self worth. Be careful what you wish for, and take care xx

OP, I don’t believe in staying together for the sake of the children, no matter what the reason is as to why you don’t want to be with that person. You say that your children are happy, but they aren’t stupid and will definitely pick up on the tension around the house. Is this something you want for them?

In regards to the rest, it’s not going to get any better. I reached a point with ex DP where I would stop him halfway through sex because I felt repulsed by him (mainly because of our relationship outside of the bedroom). This never recovered and I ultimately ended it.

Leaving someone due to a sexless, non affectionate relationship is absolutely a valid reason. Sex and intimacy is the thing we have with our partner exclusively that differentiates it between a relationship and a friendship. If you don’t want to end the marriage, is it possible you could open up the relationship? Do you think he would be happy with that? If this isn’t an option, I’d honestly end things. Don’t waste your life with someone who doesn’t make you feel wanted or desired and gives little to no sex. Life is short.

By sexual force by him - do you mean he forced himself to try make you happy or he forced you ?

Regardless of the answer this is no longer love and you only get one life.

This is definitely a non runner. Skip the therapy and file for divorce.

Gosh - a marriage is not a life sentence OP.

You can leave for any reason - i think you have buckets of reasons!

You only live once.
You deserve to be happy.
Mum staying in an unhappy marriage IS NOT a good example to set children.

Make your plans. Take your time. Talk to your friends and family. Then talk to him and tell him you want to live and raise the children separately but amicably.

💐

He was rough. I asked him to stop because it hurt and he didn't stop.

It's okay! Please don't feel stupid. I won't do anything rash. You are right I need the therapy and I have booked in but just wanted to say thanks for everyone taking the time to reply it is really really helpful

He raped you and I'm sorry for that. He cannot be a father with the mindset that it was okay to do that. You should leave as soon as possible, I think you'll see things alot clearer and happier when you get out.

This isn't even close to a good relationship lovely.

Sounds like it’s time to move on. You’ve started to resent him.

so he raped you? wtf? It's no wonder having sex with him makes you feel this way now. You need to leave him

If I could add - there is a guarantee with A) you will likely become bitter and resentful! I couldn't do it, OP. Take your time, if you must, but this sounds awful, kids will pick up on the underlying unhappiness, so give yourself a chance, and leave when the time is right. I did, after 19 years, and I am living my best life in my 50s! I had more sex in the first long weekend away with my new partner than I had in 19 years with my ex-husband. And, it was a revelation. We are still together five years on, and intimacy, kindness and respect, is central to the relationship.

Sorry OP, but if you withdrew consent and he didn’t stop, he raped you. Get out.

He’s sat back and let you do all the housework, verbally abused you and raped you. A lack of physical intimacy is the least of your worries. Please leave him. This is an abusive relationship.

If you want to talk I am happy to listen

@DeepRubySwan i feel your pain, being in a no sex marriage hurts like hell, 4 years and counting so far, i'm also of the opinion that if i leave purely because i'm not getting that one thing out of my relationship i'd just be being selfish. I don't have the issue where i have to worry about my kids getting the wrong idea about relationships because oddly my partner is affectionate in other ways which really messes with my head and makes no sense to me, but everyone is happy, except for me, but i keep it well hidden. I am currently staying for non-selfish reasons, although i earn well i don't earn well enough to support a new life for me and to support theirs if i leave and that's important to me because it affects my kids.

I think the fact that you feel the same way when it comes to being un-selfish is probably dragging you back as well and preventing you from taking the plunge, like you i just can't seem to get past that. The kids are happy, everything else is good why would i blow it all up for sex...but you don't realise how important sex is to a relationship and your wellbeing until it's not available.

My only advice to you is to leave though given that you mentioned he'd effectively forced you when you said stop...that's not acceptable at all so i think that's a good enough reason to tell yourself you're not being selfish.

i was all in on saying get counselling etc, dont split up your marriage before trying to rekindle things etc…then I saw sexual force and can’t understand why you want to have sex with him again

However I feel leaving a marriage primarily because of no affection, sex or intimacy is selfish.

Whilst it may seem that this is the primary issue, from what you’ve said, I do feel doubtful it is. It sounds like communication has broken down, and that has led to lots of complicated emotions about him and your marriage, and likely vice versa.

I think if a marriage is otherwise happy and healthy then it can survive being sexless, absolutely. Would you characterise your relationship as happy and healthy?

He’s not an excellent father. To qualify for that status you have to treat the mother of your children right.

I don’t think your biggest problem is his lack of sex drive or lack of intimacy. I think the issue is that he is emotionally abusive (the name calling/anger and making you do everything despite working full time) and, most importantly, he has raped you. Sorry but that’s the truth of it.

I think the therapy is a very good idea and that you should try and get yourself far away from him as soon as you can. I totally get that’s easier said than done with children involved but start taking whatever steps you can to begin to see a future without him.

B spells disaster unless you’re planning a series of ONS which probably won’t be the best sex of your life. If you embark on an affair then you may well catch feelings and then that creates even more complications and will likely end in tears. Go to therapy, work out what you want from a relationship and if that’s not your husband, then leave and live your life for you. Not easy at all but option B won’t fulfill you in the long term since you’re just popping a sticking plaster on a gaping wound. I wish you all the best