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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I give up ?

10 replies

mmarie123 · 23/03/2026 21:27

June 2023, my abusive ex-boyfriend destroyed my friend's car out of jealousy, which I messed up by bringing her around after I told him she was someone I used to like but we decided we were better off as friends. He got mad because he was drunk and went crazy, told me not to bring her car over, then turned around and said it was fine, so she came. He acted normal at first, but once we got to the club, he got me mad because he brought me a drink I couldn't handle. I asked him if he wanted it, he said no, so l asked her and she said yes. He cussed me out in my ear. I went outside, and she overheard him telling my guy friend that he could have any chick with him.
My friend came outside and told me what he said. He came out, found me, pushed me to the ground, then left. That night he destroyed her car completely he even sent me a picture. I was hoping he didn't do it, but he did. The police came and asked me for the proof, but I said I didn't have it. She looked at me and said, "I know what type of friend you are. You can't see this man is crazy and you're whipped over him
I left her there and the next day I talked to her but I ended up blocking her the same day for two years because of him. I stayed with him even after he did that. He abused me for almost three years. I finally left him in December 2025. I sent my old friend a request on Instagram in November 2025, she accepted and even sent me one back. I messaged her saying hey, just checking in, wanted to see how she was doing. She said, "I'm good, thanks." I was so embarrassed because I didn't apologize, I didn't know how to approach her.
We haven't spoken since then, and I miss her every day. We did everything together. I'm so mad at myself for letting our friendship be destroyed. It's eating me up every day. Should I reach out again or leave it alone?

OP posts:
PennySweeet · 23/03/2026 21:33

God no just leave it, I’m surprised you got any reply at all to be honest.

You made your choice back then even though you knew it was absolutely the wrong one.

Move on.

NotAWurstToIt · 23/03/2026 21:38

First of all I’m sorry your ex was abusive and glad that you’ve left him now.
This sounds like a lot to deal with and I would imagine that your friend found your behaviour confusing - you were originally attracted to her, then friends, then your jealous ex caused huge damage to her property, you didn’t back her up and blocked her.
She must feel that you didn’t act like her friend and didn’t have her back. I imagine she’s wary about you getting in touch now and not sure what your motives are.
You could try messaging her with some of what you’ve said here - that you’ve missed her, that you’re very sorry you let her down and that you’ve thought about it a lot. Also be clear that you’ve left your ex. You can tell her you’d like to bd friends again, but be prepared that she might not want that.
If you don’t hear back from her, you need to let this one go. Focus on you and decide what you want from future relationships.

category12 · 23/03/2026 22:04

Not sure why you didn't apologise when you contacted her. You could certainly try again. "I'm good thanks" is perfectly civil if not particularly enthusiastic.

What have you got to lose by apologising? Just be accountable and don't justify it.

Even if she doesn't want to renew the friendship at least you've tried and got it off your chest.

BengalBangle · 23/03/2026 22:15

You treated her her dreadfully and couldn't bring yourself to apologise?!
No, don't contact her again. Leave her in peace.

mmarie123 · 23/03/2026 22:19

BengalBangle · 23/03/2026 22:15

You treated her her dreadfully and couldn't bring yourself to apologise?!
No, don't contact her again. Leave her in peace.

I apologized when it happened the next day but she told me she’s not mad at me she’s made that I let someone like that in my life my ex didn’t want me talking to her anymore and at the time I was young and that was my first relationship and i know I messed up

OP posts:
mmarie123 · 23/03/2026 22:20

category12 · 23/03/2026 22:04

Not sure why you didn't apologise when you contacted her. You could certainly try again. "I'm good thanks" is perfectly civil if not particularly enthusiastic.

What have you got to lose by apologising? Just be accountable and don't justify it.

Even if she doesn't want to renew the friendship at least you've tried and got it off your chest.

Yeah I know should’ve apologized when I contacted her in November I didn’t know what to say at the time and was scared

OP posts:
mmarie123 · 23/03/2026 22:23

PennySweeet · 23/03/2026 21:33

God no just leave it, I’m surprised you got any reply at all to be honest.

You made your choice back then even though you knew it was absolutely the wrong one.

Move on.

I get what you’re saying. At the time, that was my first relationship with a guy, and I was too focused on trying to please this person. I ended up losing a good friend by being weak minded. And yeah, I was surprised she even responded back.

OP posts:
moderate · 23/03/2026 22:24

mmarie123 · 23/03/2026 22:19

I apologized when it happened the next day but she told me she’s not mad at me she’s made that I let someone like that in my life my ex didn’t want me talking to her anymore and at the time I was young and that was my first relationship and i know I messed up

You apologised about the car, then immediately blocked her for two years.

It's not the car you now need to apologise for.

TBH, she deserves better friends, who aren't "scared" to apologise for what they've done wrong.

mmarie123 · 23/03/2026 22:26

NotAWurstToIt · 23/03/2026 21:38

First of all I’m sorry your ex was abusive and glad that you’ve left him now.
This sounds like a lot to deal with and I would imagine that your friend found your behaviour confusing - you were originally attracted to her, then friends, then your jealous ex caused huge damage to her property, you didn’t back her up and blocked her.
She must feel that you didn’t act like her friend and didn’t have her back. I imagine she’s wary about you getting in touch now and not sure what your motives are.
You could try messaging her with some of what you’ve said here - that you’ve missed her, that you’re very sorry you let her down and that you’ve thought about it a lot. Also be clear that you’ve left your ex. You can tell her you’d like to bd friends again, but be prepared that she might not want that.
If you don’t hear back from her, you need to let this one go. Focus on you and decide what you want from future relationships.

Thank you. I’ll probably try one last time because the guilt has been eating at me for months. We still follow each other on social media, even if I don’t get a response. At least I’ll feel better by apologizing to her.

OP posts:
mmarie123 · 23/03/2026 22:32

moderate · 23/03/2026 22:24

You apologised about the car, then immediately blocked her for two years.

It's not the car you now need to apologise for.

TBH, she deserves better friends, who aren't "scared" to apologise for what they've done wrong.

Everyone makes mistakes, and I can acknowledge that what I did was wrong. I wanted to reach out again to her to sincerely apologize this time, and I’ll accept the situation for what it is.

OP posts:
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