Key facts:
I'm 37
No Kids
Never married
Been with partner just over 5yrs
Currenlty got PMS. Do tend to get it quite badly. However, I find it tends to amplify my actualythoughts rather than send me on a wrong path of thoughts.
Partner:
46
No Kids
Divorced. He told me he settled for his wife and now he looks back he cant see why he was attracted but he thought "everything will work out okay". They were only married for like 18months after being together for 2 years or so.
We don't live together.
Start of Relationship:
When I met him I was still finding my feet.
I'd bought my own house and renovated it, but career wise I had no idea what I was doing.
He was working in finance for a high-brow charity which impressed me at the time. Now I look back I think it sounded more impressive than it actually was, and lead me to initially see my partner in a way that was not particularly accurate.
He was enamoured with me and failed to tell me he was still married, because he didn't want to scare me away. Divorce came through a few months into our relationship.
However, this lack of being 'above board' bothered me. Also, I introduced him to my family at a birthday celebration and he relied on me to handle the conversation/small talk rather than pushing himself out of his comfort zone. He also was checking the football score on his phone whilst in their company.
So, my family didn't think he was good enough.
We broke up after 7 or 8 months. I felt he wasn't quite right. To be honest, I'd never felt anyone was quite right - I might be a bit hard to please in that regard.
The Rekindling:
Then something quite traumatic happened to me 6 months later (SA by a guy who working in police force) and that coincided with my partner reaching out to me to tell me he can't get over me. I felt if I'd never broken up with him, this traumatic thing wouldn't have happened to me. He was my safety. I thought, "I should never have broken up with him, just because he's bad at small talk or not good with groups of people...".
I didn't tell him what really happened. I told him I'd slept with someone else while drunk. I told him he was a 'bad man' who hit me and I'd reported it to the police but dropped it (I had to say he hit me because I couldn't bring myself to admit he had SA'd me). Me & my partner got back together but obviously I had this experience weighing on my mind.
About 8 or 9 months later, the police contacted me wanting more information, saying they were reviewing this 'bad-man's' employee file. Well, it really freaked me out to hear about this out of the blue. They were putting a lot of pressure on me to tell them exactly what had happened, telling me to think about Sarah Everard etc. Well, I refused to co-operate because it was too much for me to face. I feel bad about that now because my suspicion is that there was another woman who had been SA'd by this bad man which is what triggered them to review his file and find my previous complaint, and I feel like I have let that woman down. However, I just couldn't handle it at the time.
I told my partner about the police getting in touch with me, but i still didn't tell him about the SA.
My mental health was really to'ing and fro'ing for a couple of years.
In this time, I also had bad experiences with employers stealing from me (taking pension from me, but not paying it into a scheme, and then firing me when I asked for my money), and other jobs where I just didn't get paid at all and got fired for being annoyed that I hadn't been paid (that boss is in jail now). etc etc
Erm. It's been a bit of a nightmare. It all took a toll on me and I was a bit on and off in my relationship throughout the years. At one point we agreed to get married but then when I pushed for a timescale, it came about that he wasn't ready to get married again. This upset me because if I hadn't pushed, he would never have told me he felt this way. He never really apologised for this and instead said I was not being understanding given how traumatic his divorce was for him.
However, whenever we were 'off' I ended up missing my partner a lot. We would inevitably rekindle.
Fast forward to this past year:
My partner was made redundant. Through this, I learned that he hated his career and always has done (so he's spent 20 years hating his every day work life). He then went to job interviews but would get irritated by being asked any questions that went beyond general 'chat'. He started a couple of jobs and quit both after 2 weeks with no other job to go to. He's been in another job now for 3 months and is quitting again, with no other job lined up, because there's no wfh and its making him tired....
He shies away from any roles that would push him to develop further, or anything that doesn't allow wfh.
I suggested he does something else entirely, even if it means starting from the very bottom on minimum wage. He would be happier. I think the reason he's getting irritated at interviews etc is because he doesn't actually want the finance jobs he's going for.
Now I feel he won't entertain that because i think he's just looking for the easiest route to just cruise until retirement. At the expense of feeling in any way fulfilled.
This mindset, to me, is 'settling'. Just like he was doing with his first marriage - and look how that ended up. How has he not learnt?! It's a turn off for me.
By contrast, I have spent the past 5 years gaining qualifications and experience, I've started my own business. I have been volunteering for the past 3 years in a role that involves overnight shifts helping domestic abuse victims. I have started 2 hobbies. I have not been working from home at all. I have been tired. But I push on and try to improve my life bit by bit. I have a vision of where I'm trying to get to.
I've grown a lot but I feel like he never grows or does anything different. I worry that I'll continue to grow and then feel distant from him.
I finally now feel my mental health has steadied out. I told my partner about the SA a few months ago. He said now my behaviour over the past few years made much more sense. He said he's sorry that happened to me. He didn't really say anything else, and never brought it up since. I don't know if he feels awkward?
I have also become an aunty to my nephew who is now 2. I love him and dote on him and have bonded with him very nicely. My partner has 2 young nephews (4 & 2) and is always telling them to be quiet, stop singing etc. When they cry/tantrum he calls it 'bad behaviour'. But they are just being kids? I find this really a turn off because it's like he just can't tolerate any emotions from anyone. He just wants everything to be swept under the carpet - hence never revisiting the SA conversation, not telling me he was still married, not telling me he didn't want to marry me, and not changing course in his career. He just won't face up to difficult things.
He always leaves me to take the lead for example ordering in a restaurant, etc. I always order for both of us. Honestly he seems a bit socially inept. I don't feel i could rely on him to protect me in a alpha-male kinda way. I'd feel like i just have to protect myself. Once I walked to my car alone in the dark and a strange man tried to get in the car with me. I locked all the doors and he was trying to get in. I drove away and called my partner, a bit shaken up and he just said "really?? gosh." and seemed bewildered and didn't say anything else. I'm not sure what I was expecting, though.
Having said all that, when I'm talking, my partner listens to every single word I say. He makes me dinner. He is not stingy. When it's just us 2, he is very witty and amuses me a lot. I don't know what to think. I've found a lot of men out there do not properly listen (and then they wonder why they're single). Or are not curious. My partner is always curious about my day, my life. Its nice.
I'm swamped with starting my business at the moment and sometimes I just look at him and his job situation and i just want to roll my eyes and break up with him because I feel he's a bit pathetic saying he's tired etc to be honest! But... am i being harsh? I worry that if we break up I'll just immediately start missing him, again.
I feel like I can't properly judge the relationship connection because of the on/off nature over the years.
He doesn't tell anyone in his life about me, I think because he has no faith that we're going to stay together.
Omg. Should we just break up and free each other? I find it painful to be without him, but infuriating to be with him.