Mum wants us to cut off stepdad, but he is kids' grandad

[Lolandwoody]

Advice welcome please for a hard situation with my mum and stepdad. He left 2 years ago but their relationship was not good for years before that. My mum has recently found messages which she feels prove he was having an affair for a year before he left. He has denied this and says he is with this woman but didn’t get together with her until he left and it was just a flirtation before that. I think we can agree this is probably bollocks and he was seeing this other woman in some form.
I get it happens and wasn’t a happy marriage but I am angry with him and currently have no desire to see him or speak to him. The problem is that he is a grandad to my kids who have known him as such since they were born ( me and my sister were young when he came into our lives ) and my mum wants us to promise we will never have anything more to do with him. My sister has agreed this and says her kids won’t see him either but I have refused to commit to it. I have no desire to see him or speak to him but I don’t know how I will feel forever and I refuse to tell my kids that they can’t ever see him again. My mum is upset with this and things I’m disloyal, what can I do next? I get how she feels but ultimately it’s nothing to do with the kids.

Forget anything else - just keep the relationship that you and your children want to have with him.

I think your mum is hurting, and probably putting a lot of that hurt into her comments. I totally understand from her point, her ex husband has betrayed her in a terrible way - to try and control that hurt and exposure to him in the future (will you invite him to birthdays and milestone events like you would a normal grandparent?) she’s lashing out with ultimatums to try and bring things back under control.

If they split up two years ago and you currently have no desire to see or speak to him, do you truly see that changing and him becoming part of your life again?

Personally I’d probably tell my mum I had no current plans to see him, but that I wouldn’t commit to anything like a total ultimatum of never seeng him again. I don’t think it makes you disloyal to your mum at all, unfortunately their relationship didn’t work out - but that doesn’t eradicate the years he spent as your dad. She introduced him and brought him into the family for so many years, she can’t expect you to just wipe him out of it on her instruction. Things take time to heal and I just wouldn’t make any rash decisions or anything whilst things seem raw.

Your mum is hurt and its understandable that she is lashing out

Stand by her but be clear that you can't keep the kids from him - hes their granddad, but that you love and are there for her, not him

If he left her 2 years ago, how much do your kids see him normally?

I get your mum is upset, but after two years, how come she's still trawling through stuff?

Unless there was abuse, there should be no discussion of children taking sides in a split. It’s hard, but your mother needs to accept that he is still your father.

Have your kids seen him since the split? Has he been keeping his grandfather duties for the past 3 years? (Christmas, birthdays etc)

Your mum brought your Stepdad into your life in the first place but she can’t erase your DC relationship with him. It’s totally unfair to expect you all to ignore him because the marriage went tits up.

Sounds really complex and its tough to comment without knowing a bit mor e detail.
How long was your SD in your and your childrens lives and what sort of relationship did you all have with him?
Have you and your children had a relationship with your SD over the last 2 yrs since the split with your mum ?
Why do you have no desire to see or speak to him now?

Each relationship on its own merit. We dont remove kids for an affair. We dont punish kids for parents affairs

Thanks for the replies, he’s been in my life for over 30 years and has remained in mine and the kids lives since the split, coming over every few weeks to see us. I am angry with him at the moment for the deceit, and obviously feel terribly for my mum who is hurt, but I won’t commit to never seeing him again and certainly won’t tell my kids that they are unable to see him again

I don’t understand why you would want a man like that, one who is not only a cheat, but has continued to lie and is capable of causing such hurt, around your children. But if you still want to see him and want your children to see him, you’ll just have to accept that your relationship with your mum may change. You can still see him but she can have feelings around that. If she encouraged you to see him as a father, she should try to see why it’s not easy for you to just remove him from your life,

I don’t see my parents partners as my step mum or step dad though and they’re definitely not grandparents to my children. My parents, to their credit imo, never called their partners my step parents and I’ve never led my kids to believe that they are their grandparents because they’re not. When my mums partner cheated on her, I had no interest in seeing him because of his behaviour and I didn’t want that sort of person having an influence on my children. It was easy to just remove him from our lives because he was never a dad or grandad.

I get how you feel but my kids have called him grandad since they could talk. By the way I haven’t said I want to see or speak to him now, just don’t want to commit to something on behalf of me and my kids for the rest of our lives

How frequent did your kids see him after he left 2 years ago? How old are your kids? I'm just thinking if you can stop seeing him as a natural progression of him not being in your mums and your life anymore. If I were in your place I wouldn't pursue a relationship with him on behalf of your kids tbh.
I wouldn't do it to keep your mum happy I would do it because he left and it should be him the one pursuing that relationship with them if he wants, not me.
I would expect the relationship to fade naturally tbh.

He’s been coming over every few weeks for 2 yrs. It doesn’t sound like a relationship that is going to fade away.

OP I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. My husband has step grandparents (his father’s step parents) that have been in his life since he was born, and to him, they are just as much his grandparents as his biological grandparents.

Another here who thinks his relationship with your DCs is what counts.

My mum married (it was her 2nd marriage) a wonderful man when i was an adult but before our DDs were born. My stepdad was in our view as much a grandparent as the other 4 blood grandparents. My mum pre-deceased him (she died in her 60s) and he remained a very involved grandfather until he sadly died several years later.

It is hard for your mum and it does sound like your stepdad cheated on her but that’s a separate matter. My parents’ marriage broke down because my dad had affairs. I never saw that as a reason for him not to have a relationship with my DDs and neither did my mum.

I understand totally how she feels but just don’t think it’s fair to involve them by telling them they don’t have a grandad any more because of something he did to someone else, which is what she would like

I think your mum is being really unfair to you. YANBU.

Obviously, your mum is hurt and sympathy to her, but he has been your SD for 30 years and is your DC's grandad.

When your mum brought him into your life and married him she made that choice without your consent and you had to treat him with the live and respect of a father, which you did.
She now no longer has the choice to ask you to start seeing him as a stranger.

You are doing the right thing for your DC