Why is he doing this?

[NewLemonHare]

Please can someone offer me any advice or insight on my situation as I’m at a loss. I separated from my husband and he now lives separately. He is either amazing or awful which was how he was when we were together. I finally had to end it after I discovered escorts. I tried to work on it for a year but he didn’t and even continued with the behaviour. He moved out September. I really felt for him as he was very sad. I’m here living in what will be a lovely home while he lives in a not so nice place with no friends or family around. I’ve tried to talk to him many times about getting help and it just falls on deaf ears. There were even points where I softened to him as he was so great with certain elements.
It’s been happening lately where his attitude towards me and the kids is awful. He doesn’t seem to care who he upsets. It always seems to land on when it’s his time to have the kids. I will arrange to meet friends etc and he will create some drama where I can’t go out. Eg he will cause an argument with the life so they get upset and ask to come home. Last week this happened so I asked my neighbors (who I am very close with and trust) to watch him for a couple of hours (13 yo) while I met friends. He was calling me over and over saying I’m a bad mum leaving my son at home and called me a selfish c**t. So I went to get him as there were other kids at the birthday party and again I was selfish. I have the children 10/14 nights. He is constantly coming over unannounced and saying he needs something and it’s usually early and feels like him checking up on me. Recently my kids are asking to come home saying dad is mean and has work at them so of course I go to get them. Out of my 3 days this weekend I’ve had half a day where nothing happened. Tomorrow I’m supposed to Les r early for work but now I can’t as I have to drop my daughter at school. I’ve tried to talk to him and to be amicable and to say make the time with the kids amazing and worrying how this will effect them. He won’t entertain it and just tells me to fuck off.
He is mr amazing around most. Highly praised at work and in his role as a kids sports coach. I feel like I’m trying to balance not talking bad about their dad but also trying to minimise the impact. Literally every time he has them and knows I am alone he creates drama. No idea what to do and why on earth he would act like this. He seems to not care how this may effect the children

He obviously only cares about what serves him and has no qualms about lying, cheating, manipulating and shaming others. This is the real him, and generally only the people closest to him get to see this side.

However he can and will act like a great guy in other environments. Keeping up this facade is tiring though, and he will relieve the stress by lashing out at home behind closed doors.

I’m not a psychologist but I’d give good odds he’s a narcissist.. If so, he can’t be reasoned with. Your best course of action would be to completely limit any access he has to you, and to work towards getting full custody of the kids as it sounds like they are being damaged by his behaviour.

Thank you. I definitely thinks he fits the definition of narcissist. No matter how amicable I am or how much I try to work with him and help him, there is always drama. I just want to shake him. Feel like outing him to the sports club re how he really is. I’m trying to take the path of least harm to the kids emotionally but no matter what I do it doesn’t change. I think being with me full time worker be better but he would never agree to it and I think even that would upset the kids. He lies about everything and made out I was nuts when I mentioned not trusting him and all the time he was with escorts on business trips. He would say I’m boring but nobody else thinks I’m boring. Just at a loss. Really don’t want this to mess the kids up. They are my world x

How is he finding out what you’re doing when the kids are with him? He’s 100% doing it to control you, grey rock him, don’t let his drama affect you. Similarly how is he finding out you left your child under the supervision of a neighbour. A 13 y/o is absolutely fine being left to it for a couple of hours (presuming no SEN etc) so again, his overreaction is purely to mess your plans around.

You need to stop feeling sorry for him, he brought this on himself by his own behaviour and now he’s not your problem, and you’re not his.

He found out as on that night it was his night to have our son. There was an argument so my son said he wanted to come home. I of course said yes and then he spoke to my so. Ego told him. He then called me and I tried to reassure him all was fine and so he didn’t worry but he just went wild about it. Saying well done for taking care of your child (I have them all the time, don’t go out a lot and it was his weekend).
He doesn’t just come round when I’m going out. It’s all the time, often early, to make sure I have nobody there. I think he wants three to be someone so he can say I’m just as bad as him or such like. I don’t want to ever turn my kids away and never will but at the same time, I can’t make any plans including for my job.

Sorry, lots of typos there

He’s a right piece of work, isn’t he? I honestly can’t believe you have a shred of sympathy left for him. He doesn’t deserve any.

The best way with people like this is grey rock and stonewall. He rings up making a fuss or whatever and you just go “uh huh, mmmmmm (distractedly)” or just say nothing at all. He can’t have an argument with himself.

Ideally you don’t want to answer the phone at all to him. Do everything by email. Check them twice a week. Job done. Very urgent phone calls on matters of life and death only. Buy your kids phones if they don’t have so they can call you directly.

Shut this bastard right down. You deserve so much better.

And I predict the kids will stop going to his soon. No need for you to do anything there aside from not bad-mouth their dad, although, although… If they are saying things are bad at dads/ he shouts at them, that’s not something to ignore. You can let them know you’re hearing things are difficult for them etc etc, and just provide a warm safe space where they can stay/escape to.

I find it really tricky as he will message about things for the kids eg can I take whatever uniform over or such like. Then I think I can’t ignore him as they need it for school. I set him up with all new clothes for them when he moved out but he still messages about stuff. The night where I left our son for a few hours I felt obligated to inform him and answer as he was saying he was worried. I hear from him on many occasions daily and usually he turns up at least twice a day. That’s if he has the kids. If he doesn’t I don’t hear a lot from him. He will say things like my son is walking round (we live close) and so I feel I can’t ignore. I’ve been trying to grey rock but he just keeps pestering about trivial stuff. Whether do I say when he asks where I am? Just go silent? I feel he would just turn up then and let himself in.

How is it that he’s able to let himself in? That’s something that needs to stop right away.

Also, why is he asking about your whereabouts? Again, that’s something that needs shutting down hard. I’d start getting systems in place to ensure he has as little wriggle room as possible.

Make sure the kids have absolutely everything they might need before they go over. If he says he needs to get something from the house, say you will drop it over later. If he asks where you are, ignore or just say “I’m out and will be out for X time.”

Frankly, I’d be direct about saying “We are separated now and although the kids can obviously go between our houses, it’s not appropriate for either of us to be in the other’s house uninvited or when the other parent is out. I’d like to establish that as a rule going forward.”

Oh OP @NewLemonHare this sounds hard, & sending very un-Mumsnetty hugs 💐 However the bottom line is simple - this man is doing everything he possibly can to control you, & your everyday life. He’s also trying to control your children by extension. This must be exhausting for you, but as other PP’s have pointed out - grey rock & ignore (Please look up grey rock technique if you have chance). You’ve given him enough of your life & now is the time to implement some firm boundaries, but I do recognise this may be easier said than done. A positive move might be email only with regards to the kids & only look at these at set times during the day, for example one look at 6.00pm & ignore the rest of the time. You also don’t need to keep informing him of your every move - he’s your ex & he’s that for very good reasons! You’re doing a great job as a Mum & you don’t need his input to keep doing this! Sorry, I’ve no further advice 💐

You need very firm boundaries here asap. Only communicate via a parenting app, and only regarding the children. He has to provide everything they need when they're with him. It's none of his business where you go and what you do, just repeat ad nauseum 'let's keep all communication about the kids'.

It is very hard to plan your life and work when he won't leave you alone on his time with the kids. Do you live very far apart? I see nothing wrong with a 13yo being home alone, and it's his dads fault that DS doesn't want to be there anyway!

It might be easier to have a back up plan for the kids when ex has them so you're not caught short if you have plans etc. Either he'll get sick of having them or they'll get sick of his bs and not want to go soon enough anyway 🤷‍♀️

You can ignore him.

My exh did this a few times after we split up. I gave him a couple of months to get himself sorted for the children's sake but after that, yes, I did just ignore him if his requests were unnecessary or unreasonable.

He wasn't doing it to he be deliberately controlling but because he was jaut disorganised. And he never did anything to interfere with my plans but you dot need to tell him anything. And certainly not where you're going or what your plans are. He's on duty when it's his time. Not you.

He can't force you to tell him anything. You're choosing to do that.

@NewLemonHare hats wrong with him ! He is a narcissist “B” that what .
Fgs do not feel sorry for this excuse of a man.
OP the best thing you can do is tell him if he appears at your home again you will have the police remove him AND mean it !
Tell him the kids not long we wish to go with him abs if he so wishes he can apply to court ( will be u successful ) Thai will stop him co telling your life , his intrusion on your life .
It means you can set up your own routine and won’t be let down .
The kids can also have clam in their lives .

Good for you on ending it . Now you need to take the next steps .

@NewLemonHare you tell him it’s none of his business !

Op who on the house ? What does he have a key ?
I think it’s time to sell and get your own place if he still has rights to the old family home.
Your Kids are old enough to have a voice and say they aren’t going .
Tell him you will only communicate through solicitors . He lost all right when he behaved the way he did and with the way he is still treating you all .