Navigating a relationship with a man with trauma and fearful avoidance - can it succeed

[SofiaJessica4]

My previous long distance relationship (US/UK) ended, primarily due to logistics. There were also a number of contributing emotional aspects which I am still processing. I have childhood trauma, and CPTSD although for the most part I have processed and overcome it in therapy, and for what's left I am actively working on.

My last ex had severe childhood trauma, CPTSD, and continued poor emotional copying strategies (binge eating/dissociation). He was a lovely man but also had a fearful avoidant attachment style and would jump to dissociate or pull away when there were issues. He was able to listen to me express my emotions which was good but he also tended to shut down in discussion if there was conflict and pull away/get defensive/attack. I tend to practice non violent communication and value good conflict resolution skills

People with trauma tend to attract other people with trauma, even later when healed I think we see or relate to the similarities. I want a healthy relationship and need to learn where to draw a line

My question is, to what extent can these relationships work out if one person - I mean the man here - is not actively working on unresolved stuff. I tend to think relationships can manage with a lot of things, depending on the dynamic, although ideally both people are dealing with anything problematic. I am wondering if in future I should run from men who have clear unresolved issues that are not actively being worked on. That these things always come up one way or another and create a blockage if they are not actively being addressed

In the past I've not related well and never have to men with childhoods with 100% healthy outlooks (is that any man?). I'm curious to hear from people who overcome their past and how their relationships are now

I had an incredibly abusive childhood, my family were dysfunctional and my mother was an incredibly unpleasant person to say the least. I also spent many years in the care system. I’m not about to trauma dump but, suffice to say it wasn’t a fun time.

I have done a huge amount of inner work, and as a result I know myself incredibly well, I have faith in myself and I trust my instincts. I make sure I communicate and I hold healthy boundaries. But all this has been a work in progress since my late teens (I’m now 35) and it will always be a work in progress.

The point I’m trying to make is that there should still be some relative stability and self-awareness. If even that isn’t achieved it’s really not a good sign and I would question the persons ability to maintain a healthy relationship with anyone.

This is a generalisation, but quite often men are not prepared to any of this, rather they blame their childhood for their continued dysfunction, and seek women as free therapists to off load on, and expect them to tolerate their crap in silence. Ofc not everyone does this.

But a relationship will never work if he’s not actively working on himself, and you in turn should value your time and resources by not pouring them into someone who only has the capacity to take without reflection.

What do you mean about not relating to men who have had healthy childhoods? Maybe you could dig into this a bit more in therapy? My dh had some childhood trauma and I thought he had coped with it well and that this was probably due to protective factors which were there too. Then he cheated on me and did behaviours exactly like his own father who he would have sworn he never wanted to be like. So I would be cautious about trauma which is unexamined and is not actively worker upon.

Thank you. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. How are your relationships now?

I think where it can be tough is the in between. A stable person, with decent career, friends etc but later on you see there is stuff pushed down, hidden, causing big impacts and not being addressed.

I am quite open and willing to work on things as a couple but what I have seen from a lot of men is they don't want to change. Even where they say they want to grow, they don't. They are scared to do the work. They may develop with career or exercise but won't look at the inner stuff unless forced, and then won't revisit it.

Not to ramble but I feel like it makes things tough as living together everything becomes relevant eventually. I still have CPTSD triggers but I know how to manage them and will soon be going EMDR. I don't think my stuff blocks a relationship but it's tough walking away from someone where their stuff does

I had a very traumatic childhood and am diagnosed with CPTSD and bipolar. My DH had a great childhood and is very stable as a person. I did have treatment. They seemed to think attending MH groups would be a good idea, well it’s not for me as I tried a couple. I actively avoid people with serious MH issues like my own. I have enough of my own shit to deal with.

@EverythingGolden I think it's a mixture of a couple of things. I'm neurodivergent (I have dyspraxia) and I've noticed I seem to mostly click or relate to other ND people. Also all of my friends seem to have had some kind of trauma/life circumstance they have had to work through, but they've got to the other side. Maybe it's circumstance that I've not met a truly 'normal' (whatever that means) person with no childhood issues.... People's emotional 'work' may not ever be done but unresolved things come back to bite us in the ass in relationship I think

The career stuff and exercise can act as a distraction, and it allows them to look ‘healed’ on the surface. But a big mess is usually going on underneath it.

Its not noticeable to casual observers but it will always show up in romantic relationships…ultimately only you can decide if its worth sticking around, but he probably feels quite happy with his coping strategy. But often people who use these type of distractions are just masking it and underneath they’re incredibly sensitive to perceived criticism and will often take any conversation about it as an attack.

@ForTipsyFinch thank you! Are there specific things you look out for? I guess for me it's the ability to calmly communicate feelings, and discuss problems in a non aggressive way. Also to share vulnerabilities without shutting down. And to not have any really 'out there' issues like lying, addiction, etc, which I have come across before

For example for me, I think I have codependency things I am recovering from. It manifests in second guessing myself but usually if I can think through things I can set a good boundary and I don't think it causes problems in a relationship. Maybe my choice of partner in the past has been bad too

As well as the things the you mentioned I also think it’s important to pay attention to how they talk about things. Like are they defensive/angry etc or are they reflective and self aware or do they just actively avoid any potentially difficult conversations. This doesn’t really help when it’s screening people at the very start. But I tend to look at empathy in general for that. Like what are their views on social issues, politics etc. Not everyone cares about politics but I do find it a helpful gage for myself. Even things like how they talk about environmental issues I think can help to see if I would align with them.

Again, this is a generalisation but I do find that people who care about ‘bigger issues’ have somewhat of a healthy relationship with themselves.

I have been in therapy for years.

Do you listen to your instincts without question? I was trained vigorously not to in a highly coercive, dysfunctional family. Now I listen and follow them. I had to re learn things I didn't understand.....these are now things I won't accept...

Others saying something that makes me FEEL uncomfortable. I then raise that and get responses like......

It's a joke
I'm only joking
You're too sensitive
You made me do that.

Sometimes one might say you did something you did not. Stop and listen to your feelings. All the above is never ever ok.

Silent treatment is a no for me. Unless someone says clearly they need time and space and will come back to the issue in a few hours/days.

Telling the truth,being honest about things basically is so key. So many people can't or won't do this. I can't tolerate it anymore. I call it out. I do have very few people in my life now though I must say.

Go very slow because of the love bombing/hormone vulnerability women have. This blinds is to what is really going on underneath imo.

Communication and honesty are really the top ones. If he doesn't like to talk about things, then ok, but sweeping under the carpet and pretending something didn't happen that has hurt you is never going to end well.

@TranscendThis thank you!! I grew up in an environment where I was punished for calling out clearly toxic things going on. I've always been outspoken and able to state what I see as an issue, but I've usually been guilted and shamed for it. It was the same dynamic in my marriage.

Now I listen to myself for the most part. I have a kind of 'far sightedness' and often have an intuition about people. I am neurodivergent so it may be pattern recognition.

I can't stand shut down / silent treatment unless it's an agreed upon space. I find men don't like communicating that kind of thing properly

Often the issue I have is listening to myself when I don't like what my gut is saying. For example, with my last relationship (long distance) the connection was very strong, but I learned early on he has big anxiety issues, and I know that can be an issue for me as I grow up tip toeing around my dad's anxiety. I 'felt' his anxiety before he expressed or saw it, I experienced a lot of sympathetic anxiety I never get, before I first flew out to see him, and I knew it was probably a death knell for the relationship but I wanted to give it a chance nonetheless.

I suspect you do meet men with 'normal' healthy childhoods, I suspect you aren't attracted to them. If you are in therapy perhaps you can explore this, and work on yourself. I've discovered that relationships don't have to be incredibly complex and difficult - it can be and is simple with people who have learned to relate with kindness, love and respect and to communicate effectively.