I think there’s no coming back from this language?

[Helloiiyy]

My husband and I have been having problems since about 2021. He lost his job and it made him angry and shouty and he was not a great parent at that time.

He made an effort to change and he is a good parent now. Is sorry for the way he was.

But the way he speaks to me is something that I can’t get past. We have discussed divorcing when we’re better off financially - I want to. But it’s a horrible way to live, in limbo. (We absolutely cannot afford to at the moment. He has lost his job again.)

Yesterday, he was rude to me. So I told him I couldn’t tolerate it. He needed to stop talking to me like that. Even if he feels aggrieved (he felt like he’d done more parenting than me yesterday) then find another way to say it. Of course, it escalated into a tit-for-tat as that’s the only way he can argue. He is one of those people who thinks he’s always right.

This morning he said something akin to l”sorry for talking to you like that, but it was your fault” and I said that’s not an apology. Stuff with “but it’s your fault” in it isn’t a real sorry.

Anyway also said I didn’t want to have another rehash of a fight. So walked away. He followed me saying cruel things, eventually landing on how I’m a “waste of space”.

Later, he’ll apologise. But it’s too far gone, isn’t it? I can’t live my life with someone who talks badly to me all the time?

I grew up with an angry, shouting mother who damaged my self esteem. He said it, and it’s like I didn’t even flinch. Like, sure.

I wish I could afford to go. But I know it’ll be so painful and hard. I have attachment issues and I am scared of being alone.

You need to leave him. It's lonelier being in an unhappy marriage than it is being alone.
Being alone is great, no-one else's temper to tiptoe around, you can eat what you want when you want, do what you want when you want and not have to answer to anyone.

No, it's no way to live your life. He sounds like a bully.
Recommend reading 'why does he do that' (you can find a free pet online).
Can you see a solicitor, see where you stand legally? Or contact Women's Aid for advice?
Is him losing jobs always going to be an issue - is it realistic to wait for him to be in a stable job before you can leave, or is this a way he can control you and stop you separating?
Maybe some counselling if you haven't already to build up your independence and self esteem?
Sounds like you have built strength and you know you're worth more than this ❤ wishing you all the very best.
A peaceful life is waiting on the other side!!! You might have a dick of a coparent but you can make your home a happy relaxed place for you and the kids so they know what it feels like.

while it might seem scary, there is nothing in the world that compares with the feeling of having your own front door, that you are responsible for everything that happens

a partner is supposed to make your life better. He doesn’t sound as if that is the impact he has on your life.

all the best

Are you absolutely sure there is no way you can afford to divorce? If he's on/off unemployed you'd have one less mouth to feed and house if you divorced. Pretty much nobody can afford to divorce and maintain their standard of living but most people can still do it. I downsized from the 5 bedroom family home to a 2 bedroom apartment when I divorced. Still couldn't be any happier than I am being divorced. The smaller accomodation doesn't feel like a sacrifice at all, it's just mine and that's what matters.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Do not stay in such a marriage . It sounds like you’ve married another version of your mother; they seem very similar. And it’s far better for you and your dc to grow up in a household where shouting like he does is not present day to day. You would not want your dc to have such a marriage so stop showing them that this is acceptable to you currently. And sound travels, your dc likely hear him shout and cannot escape that. They certainly pick up on all the vibes , both spoken and unspoken, between you two. You have a choice re him and your dc do not.

Plan your exit with care and use the services of both women’s aid and a solicitor re divorce.

Do consider getting therapy going forward re your mother and attachment issues. It’s not your fault your mother is the ways she is and you did not make her that way. Nor did you cause your h to shout at you; that is all on him.

OP, he thinks you're a waste of space. Please value yourself enough to draw a line in the sand. Enough is enough.

Thank you everyone. We definitely can’t afford to run two households right now. We can barely afford one.

I have a kind of project based job. And something that I’ve been working on which I might be able to earn well from soon. And then I can leave. But I don’t know if it’ll take off.

I know he’ll say sorry later when he wants to. And I know I’ll just “forgive” him. But inside, not.

The trouble is, my mother was cruel and it was always “my fault”, and I cant help but wonder sometimes if it is.

I have lots of friends and I work and I do exercise. His life is our children and nothing else. I end up pulling away from them all at the weekends, because i don’t enjoy being around him. He and the children have a hobby in common that I don’t. So I tend to make my own plans in the daytime. He resents it, but also doesn’t want to go out or do anything.

I am not attracted to him and I know that’s hard for him and ideally, he’d be with someone who earns well, does all the morning stuff with the children, and fancies him. But I don’t have those sorts of feelings, they’ve been dwindling since 2021.

But he’ll say sorry and I’ll repair myself and be fine. Until next time. It’s so sad and tiring. It doesn’t seem to matter how much of a life I build outside, I’m always a bit sad.

The fantasy of my own flat is lovely. But then I worry that I’ll find it too hard to do even if I can afford to.

I do worry about what our children hear or pickup. My husband shouts louder if we’re arguing on a walk and other people are around (arguing about politics or whatever). It’s really embarrassing.

I shush him, but his voice rises when he’s on a rant at home. My son was quiet this morning when he and I walked to the shop. I worried he might have heard. I don’t think so, but I worry he did.

I have a kind of project based job. And something that I’ve been working on which I might be able to earn well from soon. And then I can leave. But I don’t know if it’ll take off.

I have not experienced separation but my instincts say get out BEFORE your earnings increase.

Anything you have now is split, once you separate, the additional wealth you build belongs to you & the kids. I assume it will be 50/50 access, so no maintenance due?

Happy to be corrected by others with more experience though.

But apart from anything else, living like this is soul destroying OP. You deserve better.

I was a child in this sort of scenario, I can confirm that your son will have picked up on what's going on. It's a really miserable existence for a child. In your shoes I wouldn't be waiting for some future day when you can afford to separate. It's always going to be hard. 💐

I would say he is feeling like crap and under a lot of stress because has lost his job, and he's projecting onto you. He sees himself as a 'waste of space' and he's externalising that. It's not great behaviour and I'm not saying you should tolerate it, but if you still love him there is a way to respond with empathy and understanding.

It was already done when you discussed divorce but held off for financial reasons. If you absolutely must stay in the same home, set days and times for who is responsible for the DC and live your separate lives. That's not much healthier but would probably prevent arguments and make a more peaceful home for the DC.

What would happen if you gave back back the same energy to him in an argument? If you really roared at him both barrels? I appreciate you might not want the children hearing that kind of thing, but it seems to me he's counting on you being embarrassed in public and trying to shush the argument.

Next time he tries that in public is he inclined to really roar at him something like - don't talk to me like that, you ignorant man. It might just shut him up.

I bet it is him saying you need yo
divorce when you have more £?! Just start divorce now

Have you looked into benefits entitlement (Universal Credit), you'd most likely be eligible for a top up of your wage ? Including if you're self employed. You can use entitledto.co.uk and plug in hypothetical figures for if you were separated.

And your own flat would be hard. But you'd manage. Help from friends/family, professionals, YouTube, post on here. You'd make mistakes and not get yelled at. Life would be tiring but you wouldn't be being ground down by this man in your own home. What are you worried about finding hard?

And it's normal to blame yourself, it certainly benefits him if you're taking blame/responsibility for his reactions. But it is not your fault. Respectful people accept that others will differ in opinion/choices to themselves. He sounds like he throws a tantrum when you're not doing what he wants.

Is there a tiny step you can take to get more prepared to go, whether that's practically or emotionally? Sounds like you are pulling away already, and connecting to yourself, doing things you find enjoyable which sounds positive :)

He wouldn’t take it. He comes from a wealthy family and I don’t. I know he wouldn’t take half the money I make and he stands to inherit a lot.

In fact, I’d prefer that nether of us share money after a divorce. Is that something that can happen? Perhaps I’m being naive.

Learning from posts on MN, never underestimate how spiteful people can become when you seperate. The latest example I read was a tradesman asking to be paid cash so he didn't have to pay his child maintenance.

Does he have assets or is it all family money i.e. he looks poor on paper?

It sounds like it might be helpful to speak to a solicitor to see what the options are for the future & if it's best to cut your loses now. As PP said, just view it as preparation.

I think you misunderstood the advice. If you separate now, he will not be able to claim maintenance from you. If you are later in a well-paid job he could do that. Protect yourself as he won't.