Dating after relationship breakdown

[TimeTraveller2718]

I am 30 and split from my partner 4 weeks ago after discovering he had been cheating, and I believe it wasn’t just a one-off. It was a huge shock, We had a house together and I didn’t see any of it coming, so it’s been incredibly difficult to process and I feel pretty crap every day

Since then, I’ve cut off all contact and I’m trying to move forward as best as I can. After some encouragement from friends (and a few drinks), I downloaded a dating app. I’ve been on two dates since, but honestly, both were quite negative experiences and left me feeling worse, not better. If anything, they made me miss my ex, which I really don’t want to act on.

I’ve also found out he’s already on dating apps and talking to other girls, which has hit me quite hard. Part of me feels like if he’s doing that, I should be too. I don’t have a huge social group so I am struggling to fill my time from sitting at home alone

We weren’t married and don’t have children, but this has completely knocked my confidence. I think I might be looking for validation from other men to try and feel better about myself.

inguess it’s soon to be dating, or is this just part of the process? The thought of him moving on and being happy whilst I’m sat at home crying makes me so cross

Thinking you “should”, or that you want to date people because your ex is, or because you’re feeling lonely aren’t the best positions to start dating from. You’re just likely to meet the wrong people for the wrong reasons. You’ve already been on two dates and didn’t enjoy them, you aren’t ready. It doesn’t matter what your ex is doing, his life is now on a different trajectory to yours, it’s not a competition and you aren’t going to heal by trying to prove you can move on just as quickly as he can. Use the time to process your breakup properly and begin building your new life: if you don’t have many friends or a large social network then try out new hobbies, think about joining local groups or using Meet Up to meet new people.

I think it's too soon and if it's no fun then don't do it.

He's ahead of you because his foot was out the door long before you knew it. For you it's been a month, for him, it's however long he's been cheating. It's not a fair comparison.

Do things that make you happy, especially if there are things you didn't do because he wouldn't have wanted to join in.

Avoid comparing yourself to someone who was cheating. He will repeat the behaviour.

You heal and move on when you are ready

I don’t think dating apps and validation are the way to go. The type on men you’re likely to encounter aren’t exactly an answer to a maiden’s prayer.

I really wouldn’t recommend anyone using them so soon after a relationship breakdown. When you’re more confident you’ll be better placed to filter through the dross you’ll find there.

Also, just because he’s seeking new connections online that doesn’t mean he’s happy, if anything it indicates he needs constant distraction and can’t be alone.

They’re no right and wrong time but from your OP I’d say you’re doing it for wrong reasons and you’re nowhere near ready.

As pp has said, concentrate on yourself, look at hobbies, socialising with friends and building yourself up first otherwise you’re likely to make poor choices and be vulnerable to missing red flags.

Everyone is different - some take years to find themselves, others are back in the saddle after a few days. Personally, I am the latter, even when 20yr relationship ended I was OLD within a month (it had been dying for a while so emotionally was pretty much over it).

Sometimes it can show you what you have been missing out on and be fun, but if they are not great dates you can feel worse.

Go on dates but keep an open mind - dont feel you have to find 'the one' straight away.