How to manage boundary-pushing mum visiting from abroad with young children

[oldshprite]

ive started one or two other threads about this but i am in need of another vent/peoples thoughts on this.

my mother and i never got along and i was deemed the smart/difficult one while my brother was the opposite, all of our life. i never got along with either of them but now i have my own little amazing family of DH and 2 v young children (2.5 y and 6 months).

ever since being pregnant, my mom who lives abroad came to visit to help with the kids, particularly when i have birth to baby no 2. it all starts well but never ends well. she walks all over my boundaries. last time she gave 1 month silent treatment then expected to go back to normal when she felt like it. she has never acknowledged any wrong doing - ever. she used ‘selective amnesia’ and ‘weaponised incompetence’ and sometimes attacks my character when i hold boundaries strong. l got used to being called an ‘intellectual’ disparagingly or told
to feel shame as my boundaries are a sign of disrespect. to some extent, they are. i dont want to listen to her advice on raising kids.

shes always been the martyr who sacrificed everything for her kids. shes always resented my dad for never helping when we were young children and they honestly seemed to hate each other when i was growing up. they have however provided me with a lot of material things, amounting to hundreds of thousands. emotionally however its been tough.

i really dont know how to deal with my mother with regards to my kids who she wants to see. i decided to have very superficial contact with her, which should be easy enough since she lives abroad. she will have to stay in a hotel if she ever visits us again. she will find this highly disrespectful as she comes from
a culture with strict views on this. but every time she visits i am left angry/dysregulated for weeks on end.

i struggle with guilt - that is because
i appreciate the material things i received which made my life easier and helped me to really forge my own path and disconnect from my origin family , ironically.

how do i move forward and how do
i handle this for the benefit of my kids? in laws are not interested past taking photos when we see them 2x a year; my dad has not called once since having baby no 2, and he never did in the past anyway. so it feels like my kids
will simply not have any other meaningful family relationship beside me and DH and that saddens me a little

a boundary is only as good as your willingness to follow through. Eg
mum last time you were here you gave me silent treatment. I can’t have this in our home, if this happens again we’ll tell you to leave early.
or
two months is too much for us to host, we’d be happy to have you stay for ten days.
mum, I don’t come out of my bedroom before 8am please don’t knock on the door before then as I won’t answer

With advice on raising kids just say ‘that’s interesting I’ll hold it in mind’ every time rather than arguing

What culture has strict views on parents coming to stay with their adult children?. SHE your mother has views on it, it’s nothing to do with it being a cultural thing. She likely expects to be waited on hand and foot. Your mother is abusive and abuse cuts across all cultures and creeds.

Better for the kids to have no meaningful relationship with either set of grandparents than for them to see you as their mother being disrespected and abused by their nan. She may well have provided material things but those likely came with conditions attached too . Emotionally you were and likely remain bereft.
your dad cannot be relied upon either.

You need to let go of any guilt here through therapy and she installed that button in you. Do you hi knee feels guilty?. No not a bit of it. She feels she has done nothing wrong here re you. Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Do you think she feels guilty?. No she does not. She just wants to come over and impose on you all. She’s abusive so it’s game over really. You owe her and your enabler dad nothing let alone a relationship.

Also if a parent or relative is too toxic or otherwise batshit for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for the kids too.

yeah, guess its not the culture, its whats shes used to. she is not expecting to be waited hand and foot. she actually does a lot of cooking and cleaning so thats one positive about her visits, but does take over with the toddler which she says its for me to get a break and that in theory is nice, but it then ends up in me feeling invisible in my own home. she seems to be completely obsessed with toddler, in ways i dont really understand, perhaps its just grandmotherly love, its become her identity

She’s coming to cook and clean in your home. Bet you a crisp fiver she leaves your kitchen in a mess post cooking. It’s not help if you are not asking her to do this. And I would also think she would not want you to do that in her home.

I would knock her whole obsession re your toddler on the head now as it will also harm their sibling relationship. This is just another form of her narcissistic favouritism with you being the scapegoat whilst your feckless brother is the golden child. That’s a role also not without price either though he is unaware of that. The people who bother with your mother are only the adult children of same and she is really not worth bothering about.

I would also think she does not pay much if any real attention to your youngest child. Do keep your mother well away from your dc because she will try to steal your eldest’s heart and mind from under your very nose.

What does your man make of her ?