Husband does little at home and we barely spend time together

[Boringmacaroon]

My husband and I have been together for 16 years, no kids through choice and we both work full time, we have a large house and garden to look after. Husband does a difficult job and can sometimes be away from home for a week at a time but also has periods where he works 8am-3pm and from home occasionally.

He does hardly anything around the house other than some laundry, puts the bins out and will walk the dog. He will vacuum if asked.

He does no DIY as he doesn’t know how and is not interested in learning. He is quite happy to let me get on with it, for example if a room needed painting he wouldn’t help me, he would happily sit in another room doing something else while I do it. If we need to get a tradesperson in to do something then I would need to arrange it and deal with the person etc.

He does no gardening, one year I mowed the grass for the whole year, he didn’t do it once. A few weeks ago I was sweeping up masses of leaves while he sat indoors and played PlayStation.

He doesn’t really spend any time with me, never makes plans or even hangs out in the evening with me. He prefers to sit in another room for hours on end doing his hobby. If we go on holiday or out for dinner etc I have to plan it.

We have a gym at home and he can spend 2 hours a day in there. If we go away on holiday gym and running will take up a large chunk of each day.

In 16 years together I could count on one hand the times he has cooked me a proper meal. He has never bought me flowers.

I arrange all Christmas and birthday presents for his family, otherwise they would get nothing.

He is very closed off with his feelings, his mum died a couple of years ago and he barely spoke about it. If I ask him how he is feeling he will always say fine, never opens up to me. I also lost a parent recently and he was supportive at the immediate time but now doesn’t ask me how I am feeling.

I do love him, he is kind and makes me laugh, he is generous with money, he is good in a crisis. I am quite an independent person too, have travelled solo and have my own hobbies. But this doesn’t feel like a marriage, written down it doesn’t even seem like he likes me 😔

If you like living like this then it’s fine. If you want a more emotional and involved partner then you will need to look elsewhere.

Sounds shit and lonely to be honest, OP.

Kind of like you might as well be on your own.

What you've written doesn't sound like a marriage to me, it sounds like two people living separate lives in one house. It sounds lonely.

Have you spoken to him about this? Is he happy with the life that you have together? Have you told him that you are not?

You have choices here OP, you can tell him that you're not happy and things need to change, or you can make plans to separate. You don't have to continue to live like this.

Even if he was the loveliest man, sitting there letting you do all that work is no way to live.
He is checked out and you are just going to become lonelier and more resentful.
He sounds like he’d be happier in a bachelor pad with a games console.
It is very sad but you deserve an equal in life, you are not his mum and he’s not a teenage boy.

What happens when you try to talk to him about this OP? Does he just refuse to do anything around the house or spend time together in the evenings?

i would suggest selling and moving to a smaller more manageable property that needs less maintenance- what’s the point in a large house just you two and only one of you maintains it?

He needs a jolt and if he’s not going to do it for you perhaps the potential loss of his house might work.