Love girlfriend truly, but not attracted. Need advice

[Yuhhhgetintoit]

Need advice

We’re both females and 19.

Before she was my girlfriend she was my bestfriend. Not that fake shit, but a true bestfriend. After 2 years of us being close and sharing the deepest parts of ourselves, and receiving acceptance; 5 months ago, my girlfriend asked me out.So why did say yes? Because I don't want to lose her, I don't want us to drift apart. We're both pretty busy people, and when she's dated somebody else we barely even talked. And by dating would always keep us together, yes I know selfish. But I literally never cared for longevity of friendships even if I value them, but her I didn’t want to lose.

So I decided I wouldn’t give in to a superficial thing as looks, but as time goes by, and there are more things incompatible between us I find it hard to thug it out. And I find myself wanting to be with a man whom I find attractive. (I’m bi sexual but only find men the down and dirty type attractive, although y I told her that) The first week we started dating I debated ending it because I realized this, and told her this. but I thought we might not last anyway so I might as well give this a shot, she said out we don’t know if we will still be friends given we’re about to move apart and that we already act kinnda like lovers , so we might as well date. But I think that’s because she finds me very attractive, as she told me the first time we might she thought I was hot, while I thought nothing of her looks, only her back story to be of interest.

Fast forward 5 months now and I reevaluating, I think I want to end it. I value our friendship, I cherish her as person, and I know that by hiding my real feelings I’m doing her wrong. But I don’t want to lose her which I know I probably will. I need some honest big brother/ sister advice. PS I know it’s bad lying to her like that but I always hype her up and never make her feel less than when it comes to looks.

TL;DR should I look past the physical looks and continue to date or end it.

Stop stringing her along and make a clean break.
She deserves better than being your consolation prize and you need to be honest with yourself about what you want from a relationship.
Your friendship will never be the same - it may not even survive at all - but grumbling on being unhappy is not doing either of you any favours long term.

You should never stay with someone you don't find physically attractive and especially not when you're 19 years old. Your friendship won't last, that's pretty much guaranteed. Or at least it won't be anything like the same. That's a lesson for you to take from this and reflect on the decision you made to change the relationship to a couple one from a friend one for the wrong reasons.

End it. Make it less personal by telling her you want to date a man, and maybe you’ll stand a chance of remaining on good terms.

To be fair, I'd say the friendship was doomed from the moment she asked you out. If you'd have said no at the time the outcome would still have been the same, because she wants something from you that you you can't give her. It's a shame for the friendship but it's not your fault that you don't feel the same way she does and it does feel to me like she pressured you a little. For both your sakes end it and move on x

End it, you owe her that if you value her. You are both young, too young to stay in a one sided relationship.l agree with a pp, tell her you want to date a man, that might soften the blow so there's a chance you could salvage your friendship.

End it.
Shes not the one for you.

Are you even bisexual?

You sound very young op. Particularly ‘Not that fake shit’ ‘Didn’t want to thug it out’

Just let it go.

She is young, she says at the very start of her post she is only 19.

“AprilinPortugal · Today 07:00
RoseField1 · Today 05:16
You should never stay with someone you don't find physically attractive and especially not when you're 19 years old. Your friendship won't last, that's pretty much guaranteed. Or at least it won't be anything like the same. That's a lesson for you to take from this and reflect on the decision you made to change the relationship to a couple one from a friend one for the wrong reasons.

To be fair, I'd say the friendship was doomed from the moment she asked you out. If you'd have said no at the time the outcome would still have been the same, because she wants something from you that you you can't give her. It's a shame for the friendship but it's not your fault that you don't feel the same way she does and it does feel to me like she pressured you a little. For both your sakes end it and move on x”

Both @AprilinPortugal and @RoseField1 have nailed it. You cannot stay in this relationship, OP. Physical attraction to a partner is vital. It’s one of the things which differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship. It’s a shame but i think the friendship is also gone - at least for a while - because she has feelings for you which you don’t have for her. In her shoes, i would need some distance in order to start recovering.

It’s actually no different from if she were a male friend. I’m also wondering whether you’re actually bi - you said yes to avoid losing the friendship, not because you shared her romantic feelings. But even if you are, you are not for her and she is not for you.

At 19, this of course seems huge but romantic disappointment and romantic joy are both just parts of life and both you and she will get over this in time.

What have I just read? Grow up, ffs..

You've done a really shitty thing here @Yuhhhgetintoit . You've completely misled your best friend because you didn't want to risk having a difficult conversation and upsetting her.

You taken something that probably would have hurt her a little bit, and turned it into something that's going to hurt her massively.

You can't go back in time and fix what you've already done, but you can stop it from getting any worse. You need to break up with her, and you need to do it now. Every single day you delay is only going to make it more painful for her.

You’re right, all the comments under my post are right, I think I realized that I just need confirmation. But when you put it like that I realize how much this will hurt for her than me, which is pretty bad and selfish. What do I say to break up with her, specifically? That I don’t find her attractive (too mean), or I don’t see her in that romantic way? never been in the relationship before so I don’t really know what to say. Also I was thinking abt doing it thru FaceTime but should I do it face to face?

If the tables were turned and she wrote the same of you on this forum, wouldn't you rather she end it? This frees you both to find better matches.

You acted out of desperation when choosing to date her, which is never the way to make an important decision. You're young and will be learning that friendships naturally evolve, some strengthening, some lessening, and some ending. You have some control over this with your own efforts or choices, but you of course don't have control over what a friend decides to do. Just as you see that when she's in a romance that doesn't involve you, she pushes the friendship to the back burner. No matter how you strive to cling and work hard against any change to the friendship, you will discover it's an unrealistic task doomed to fail.

I'm afraid that crossing the boundary from friendship to romance will make it harder to return to friendship. Sometimes it's not fair to a new partner when you're still communicating with and hanging out with an ex. Sometimes a new partner will make an exit, not comfortable with that situation.

Regardless, you were in fact selfish to enter into a romance to serve your own needs, which now you see aren't being meet, while robbing your gf of your true feelings. I wouldn't be mean and tell her that looks are the reason to end things. I'd probably say that the intangible spark you need to feel for a SO is missing, so it's best you part ways. Take care.

Unless its a long distance situation where you're not going to see her face to face for weeks, I'd go with face to face. Preferably somewhere public, but fairly private. I usually went for a walk in the park or something like that. Gives the other person a chance to escape quickly if they want to, but it's not so public that they'll have an audience to them crying.

As far as what to say goes, I wouldn't be as blunt as saying you're not attracted to her. I'd try and soften the blow a bit, tell her that you love her, but you've realised that its as a friend rather than as someone you want a relationship. I'd play up the fact that this is the first time you've been in a relationship with someone, and that you didn't really understand how you felt. Make sure she knows that this isn't her fault, that she's done nothing wrong, but don't get too drawn into dissecting the relationship. Its OK to refuse to be drawn into specifics - "Its just not working for me", or "It just doesn't feel right" are fine to say.

You can tell her you'd love to stay friends, but don't be surprised if she tells you to f-off. She's going to be really hurt by this, that's unavoidable, but it doesn't mean you've made things worse. It'll hurt less in the long term the sooner you do it.

And don't second guess yourself afterwards. You'll feel like crap because you've made someone you really care about hurt. It'll make you want to undo it, to fix things. But you can't, and trying to do so will only prolong it.

Perfect advice from @VimesandhisCardboardBoots including re what to say and particularly that hurting her and the associated loss of her friendship will be painful but it’s the right thing to do and you need to grit your teeth and stay firm.

Remember that the fact you don’t feel the same means you are wrong for her and you are getting in the way of her meeting someone who feels romantic about her (she probably won’t want someone else right now but that will change in time). So it’s also better for her that you do this now; not just better for you.

You tell her you want to be with a man.