DH and DS not getting on

[FramptonRose]

My DH and DS have always had an up and down relationship. DH can be very impatient and DS is hard work!
DS plays Rugby and has done for years, he used to play at a much higher level than he is currently.
Part of this was an injury to his shoulder (very minimal injury) but still we ensured he got the right treatment, paid for physio and he had MRI scans to ensure all was well.
Even before the injury his playing could be really up and down, he is very good at the sport but just has a bit of a bad attitude, ie if DH even looked at him on the field and he mucked up, he would blame DH, lose his temper etc.
As DS has got older he has become, almost less interested in it and will often blame DH (DH gets very involved, ends up coaching sometimes, constantly going on and on at DS about watching himself back on videos of the game)

I have told DH time and time again to step back and just leave him to it, he is 14 now, if he wants to pursue it he will.
DH agrees, but somehow we always end up falling back into DH pushing DS back into it.

I have to be honest, it affects the whole household. They both end up in a foul mood, I end up trying to play peacekeeper and I have had enough.

Tonight, another huge bust up as DH paid for more private physio for DS (he doesn't need it at all) DS hasn't really kept up with the exercises he is supposed to do in the evening and yet again another argument I am in the middle off.

Is your DS asking or expecting your DH to spend a lot of money or time on his sport?
Eg. Ferrying by him around, buying excessively expensive equipment, etc.
If not I don't think your DH should be poking his nose in at all, he should just stand back and feel excited and proud if his son's team does well. It seems to me that your DH is using your DS as a proxy for a sport he'd like to be playing and excelling at, rather than actually supporting his son.

My family have been there. The way my mother sorted it was with common interests which brought us together. It worked sometimes, other times it didnt work.

So your DH is massively involved in a sport that your son enjoys, but not with the intensity of his father, who expects him to put more into it than he is doing. As you say, your DH needs to step back here and let your DS get on with it. As for the physio, why did your DH want your DS to have it? And having agreed to do it, why is your DS not doing the exercises that are a vital part of physio? Did he not want the physio in the first place? Did your DH put pressure on him to have it? It seems that your DH is far too invested in your DS’s sport - you can’t blame a fourteen year old for getting fed up when his DF is constantly breathing down his neck. It seems to me that the healthiest thing for your family would be for either DS or DH to give up rugby. If DS isn’t very interested, maybe he could find a different sport, as DH seems very invested in coaching etc - or is he only interested because DS plays? Either way, your son needs to be able to enjoy a sport/hobby with his parents doing no more than being quietly supportive and cheering him on from the sidelines, and your DH needs to understand that his DS won’t be playing for England any time soon, and that watching yourself on video is a bit excessive, unless you’re playing in the higher echelons of the game.

Not really, I suppose he did when he was younger and in a higher level of the sport but DH would spend out a lot of money on things that DS hadn't asked for too.

Don't get me wrong DS can have a really bad attitude and come across so ungrateful so I can see how the arguments start but I just keep saying to DH to just stop getting so.so involved, he agrees with me then 2 weeks later he will end up coaching a game as the coach isn't there and my DH will throw his hand up first to offer. I know it is lovely he wants to help but he knows this does not work practically with DS so I don't know why he does it.

DS didn't exactly ask for physio but if something went wrong in a game, he would blame his shoulder, or he would be tired etc so DH insisted on booking more physio.

We already had got him blood tests, MRI scans etc. Everything came back fine. If I am honest, DS can't stand losing, as he got older the level became harder and harder and he struggled and rather than accept this or work on his game, he blamed everyone else around him. This inevitably caused DS and DH to fall out constantly.

I have to say, it got to a point where DH and I would argue, it would affect the other children as my DH (and DS) would be in a foul mood, we then couldn't do anything else as a family as everyone was so annoyed.

My DH absolutely needs to step away, it's like he just can't stop himself.

Is DH your DS father?

I would ban him from DS games for a while, he’s too invested and it’s backfiring.

He is his father.
We went through a stage where I took DS to his games and it worked so much better as he was so much more relaxed with me there. Unfortunately where we have 4 kids all doing activities, there was always a clash somewhere and it would end up with DH bringing him.

Now whenever I say I'll bring him, he will always come too anyway so kind of defeats the purpose.

Don't get me wrong there has been times where there have been no issues and even if DS hasn't played at his best, they have come home fine with eachother but I find the more invested DH gets with whatever team DS is playing for the worse it eventually ends up.

Your DH needs to back off massively, feel sorry for your DS here. DH is the adult, DS is only 14 of course he is going to have a “bad attitude” sometimes