I’m looking for some support and perspective on a difficult family situation.
For a number of years, I’ve been concerned that my mother may have some form of cognitive or behavioural decline. It’s not typical memory loss, but more changes in mood, behaviour, and emotional regulation.
In the summer of 2024, we had family visiting from abroad, and it should have been a really positive time. Instead, behind their backs, my mother was extremely volatile towards me with frequent anger, ranting, and emotional outbursts. It was very distressing and I struggled a lot during that period. Her hate was against one of the visitors who was a nice lady. But the hate she has was all directed at me.
At the start of the following summer (last year) I was expecting a repeat of summer of 2024. I was still under a lot of stress and I handled things very badly. I misdirected my frustration and sent an anonymous letter to a relative containing a very offensive and inappropriate insult.
Some time later, the relative figured out it was likely me and confronted me. Initially I denied it and during that period there was a lot of pressure and conflict. Eventually I admitted what I had done, apologised sincerely, and took full responsibility. I expressed genuine remorse and wished them well.
I deeply regret what I did.
My mother's relationship with this person, it seemed to have been fractured before I did what I did. Like in 2024 there was only one message each between them sent through me. So I was the messagener between them. I was so sick of this by the way.
After that, I thought things had at least settled somewhat, but a few weeks later I found that I had been blocked on social media. Another relative, who wasn’t directly involved, also cut contact with me. Since then, there has been no communication.
What I’m struggling with is that this distancing seems to have extended to my mother as well. There has been no contact with her over holidays or important updates in the family, even though she wasn’t involved in what I did.
Recently, I found out through indirect channels that another family member is seriously ill, and again there was no direct communication to my mother.
I fully accept that what I did was wrong, and I feel a lot of shame and regret about it. At the same time, I’m finding it difficult to process how things have escalated into complete silence and disconnection, including towards my mother.
I also feel stuck about the future. For example, if there is a family event or funeral, I don’t know whether I should attend or stay away.
I suppose I’m trying to understand:
How to come to terms with the consequences of my actions
how to deal with being cut off in this way
and how to handle potential future contact or situations
Any perspectives would be really appreciated.
There is someone in the wider family who is now very ill and I am worried about a funeral. How do I show my face? Do I go or do I let my mother attend by herself? Although she probably won't go herself.
My mothers family is not aware of my strong suspicions towards dementia and she's not able to manage her relationships any more. I am not willing to share my suspicions with her family either because it will likely be viewed as gossip.