Help my nephew with difficult wife.

[Pinkpanther111]

I am wanting advice for my nephew
So to put you in the picture: My nephews wife has always been difficult to live with.( let’s call her Sue) I really do think she is a narcissist. Very selfish. Very jealous and doesn’t mix with people other than her parents. She has controlled my nephew all their married life.

A few examples are: kicking him out for no reason. Got him into debt. Etc.

its a case of what Sue wants Sue gets.

They have been married for 28 years! Sue has been a heavy drinker ever since nephew has known her.

she is now 46 years old and has got Alcohol Related Dementia. She is now not working and gets PIP! This kind of dementia doesn’t really affect her memory - it’s her behaviour! She throws things at him. Stops him from going out to the gym. Locks him out of house on purpose.
Then makes out it’s his fault. I could go on.

Anyway nephew cannot take it any longer! And wants to leave her! They rent a council bungalow. No money in bank. I have told my nephew to leave her and he can leave her and live with us. Which he says he is going to do.

What are the steps he has to take first?
After all the crap he takes from her, he still feels responsible. Will he have to get a social worker?
She receive £600 per month from PIP ( yes she spends it all in drink) and refuses to contribute to any bills. Nephew works full time ( hospital porter) he ends up giving her money once she’s ran out. ( yes he needs to man up) ( I have told him and so has his daughters)

Hes in debt And got loans for his car. His anxiety is through the roof! Sue just spends her days sat at home watching tv and drinking.

Thanks for reading.

You can't help.

I'm not seeing problem as long as you're willing to house him indefinately. He drives to your house with his stuff. Job jobbed.

I know. I am worn out with telling him.
I want to know if he needs to get a social worker.
Its the money side of things that he worries about! 😳

Thanks Danny. That what I’ve said. Just bloody come! He just feels responsible for her ( fool)

This is really tough. Alcohol related dementia does affect memory and cognition - she may not be safe alone. I think he should try to engage with social services. Yes move out and possibly get some support from a domestic abuse charity.

OP absolutely can help a family member that she cares about! What a strange response.

Op, he should just leave, go to yours, and also seek support from a charity for spouses of an alcoholic, or for men experiencing domestic abuse. He needs to be empowered to get his life back. Once he’s safely out he can also seek help to address his debts.

What happens to her is her problem. He can’t save her, she’s making her own choices. He can inform the vulnerable adults team at social services that she might need assessment, but other than that he has no responsibility for her. It’s important that he makes a clean break.

Sorry I misread.

Thank you so much isthesolution. She does forget birthdays times etc. I will have a look at this charity💐

They've been together a long time. He will feel responsible for her and even a bond - it is classic trauma bonding. He needs counseling, if he can afford it, but the domestic abuse charities will also be able to help. He is lucky to have your support. Does she have any other family that can support her? That might relieve the guilt he feels.

MissyB1 Thank you very much for this👏👏
this is good advice. 💐

A few things to consider. If you give him accomodation he may be considered 'adequately housed' for the purposes of the devorce which may reduce his allotment of marital assets (his pension) or even spousal maintenance.

If she is ill and still drinking then this is only likely to get worse. It would be best if he initiates divorce asap as before she declines more. He will also be legal next of kin while they are married and it's best to seperate for this reason too.

Are there children and if so are they joint and what ages? If under 18 where are they living?

He needs support from a domestic violence specialist. To heal his mental health, but just as importantly to get the legal process underway so he doesn't get stuck with any unpaid rent from their council home or any matrimonial debts.

I would also take the responsibility from him and make a referral to adult social care for her highlighting that she is a danger to herself through self neglect as she cannot adequately care for herself or pay bills and also make a referral for him as a victim of physical, emotional and financial abuse from him.

Itsanewlife - thank you for your reply!👏
His daughters fully support him and told him to leave her. Unfortunately they both live a long way They told me that when they were children they have bad memories.
she has a sister but surprise surprise Sue fell out with her years ago.
Thank you for your kind comment- ‘ lucky to have you’💐

Cerialkiller Thank you. 🤩 2 daughters. 22 and 24 years - both live away. They do support nephew to leave their mum.
Thank you for your advice 👏 really appreciate it x

Yes they are her daughters.

Thank you andweallsingalong. Really appreciate this 👏👏👏👏👏

You sound like you're way too invested in all of this. And yes people with dementia at 45 of course are entitled to PIP. She may not be nice but don't shame her for getting little over £100 a week for a life limiting illness.

Just tell him to divorce her. And that you don't want to be so closely involved. If I was you I'd take a step back as ultimately he's an adult and he needs to have the strength to leave if she's abusive or he's unhappy.

I know nothing about this sort of thing and may be wrong, but does he need to divorce her asap? Presumably if they are married and she gets into debt once he has left, he will be entangled/responsible for her debt? Hope I am wrong as this seems a likely scenario otherwise.

I doubt he'd get a SW. He needs to work with DV charities and CAB.

@Pinkpanther111 Please take on board @Cerialkiller 's comments about housing, pension and maintenance before you go offering him a bedroom. It's not necessarily that simple and ultimately your good deed might cost him financially. I also wonder how long you see this arrangement lasting if you do house him. Have you thought about your own future, maybe what happens in retirement or if your circumstances change?

Do you mean does HE need a social worker for himself or should he try to get his wife help via social services?

If he is planning on leaving he should contact adult social services to see if they can support the wife when he leaves, her GP would be a good idea as well.

Online divorce start

Call adult social care ( you can do it anonymously ) and say about the situation esp the violence , they wil investigate abd support him . Also speak to dementia services they should look at changes in her behaviour and have teams to support . It may also be worth looking at domestic abuse charities and asking their advice

absolutely
-start divorce
-domestic abuse help
-if there’s a 2nd bedroom move into that
-separate finances, he’s probably paying all household costs anyway?
-new bank account for his wages she can’t access
-she can take responsibility for her own shopping, cooking, laundry