Perimenopause, HRT and no attraction to husband: stay or separate?

[Daisydaffy]

I really need some help with this, and don’t have anyone in real life to talk to as it’s a huge step.

I’m torn about staying with my husband or not. I’m peri-menopausal, on HRT for just over a year. Going to HRT, including testosterone, has made me feel so much better than the last 6 years of struggling with symptoms.
But I’m finding as time goes on and I feel more like myself I cannot bear the thought of my husband touching me.

we haven’t had any sex for about 3 years anyway, if wasn’t frequent before and I had some very serious health stuff which stopped it totally. He hasn’t pressured and has been brilliant through that.
but now the thought of restarting our sexual relationship horrifies me. It makes me recoil mentally when I consider it.

I value our small family so much, and his family feel like mine now too. I don’t want my kids to have 2 houses and he would want 50:50.
he is genuinely a good father, and does his fair share caring for the kids.

His lack of ambition does bother me, I am very driven and that’s something we have disagreed on. I feel like I carry him financially and all the home admin. And then feel guilty for wanting ‘more’ and being driven to improve my career and push myself.

but I can’t get over the not wanting sexual relationship with him.
I am attracted to others, but not enough to act on that or have an affair. I do have a small sex drive now, but none of it is directed to him.

I don’t even think I’d want to stay with him as housemates and each see other people, not that I would suggest that anyway. But that’s how far it’s gone.

has anyone been in the same position and got over it/stayed together?
or am I going to regret staying in a few years and not being honest with myself?

I wish I could speak to someone in real life. It’s taken months of thinking to even post this and admit how I’m feeling slightly in real life.

Divorce, and set him free to be with someone who doesn’t find him sexually repulsive.

Have you ever discussed it with him? Honestly, I think that's the person you should be talking to. You haven't had sex for three years and don't want to restart. That's not a marriage, that's housemates. Is he okay with that? Are you? You and he get just one life and this is it. Are you both happy with it? You need to talk.

I should add, I’m not planning an affair, I don’t have my eye on anyone, there’s nothing else going on there. I’m not looking for justification to sleep with someone else.
i can’t imagine sharing a home with another man ever again. I just want to have my own space and feel my body is just mine (even though he isn’t pressuring me or anything. I just feel guilt about the lack of sex).

I feel like if I say this to him it’s all over.
I feel I should be suggesting counselling and all that. But I just don’t want to deep down.
I think he is happy in the moment, but he does worry I will leave him at some point.

He is right to worry. The practicalities would be difficult and massively disruptive to us all. But if we did split I would be ok. He would struggle financially is we split.
I have family backup and earn more despite working part time

Its good you have posted this here, even the fact that youve wrote it all down and asked for advice feels like you made a big step already.

Sorry but I think once the sexual attraction/ chemistry has gone, that's it. Your friends.

You don't want to divorce but do you want to be in this same situation in 10 years time ?

If it was me I would sit him down and end everything. But that's just me, you know what you want to do. All I will say is don't waste any more time and don't waste your life like this.

And this I feel truly awful for and wish it was something I could get past.
I’m stopping him from finding someone great for him while I’m here holding onto this relationship.

Flip it around. Imagine you were keen to have regular sex with your DH, but he announced that although he found other women sexually attractive, the thought of having sex with you ever again filled him with horror and disgust. What would you want to happen?

I was the same. Divorced 18 months ago now in my mid 50s. Honestly life is wonderful. I was existing before with a man I didn't love, wasn't attracted to and didn't even much like.

If you're financially able to then I say go for it.

to be honest I stopped the HRT for a few months as I was starting to feel like this in the middle of last year.
i wanted the feelings to go away, and felt like the HRT was causing them.
But I couldn’t stand the not sleeping, sweats and flushes, anxiety, everything else.

If I saw a post from a husband saying that about his wife I’d be really angry on her behalf. Which is why I feel so guilty about it.
i wish I didn’t feel like this about him.

So it sounds like he's never had a high work ethic, but you might've been too young when you married to realize how that would negatively impact you later in life. Sounds like you probably think of him as just another kid in the house since he leaves all the important day-to-day stuff to you. So it's not surprising that with the the disappointment that you're not sexually attracted to him. You don't respect him as an equal. Even if you communicated those things you wanted him to change, it's probably unlikely, like Rumplestiltskin saying he can change wheat to gold.

How old are your kids? I know you don't like the idea of having two households for the kids, but there are alternatives you could consider. One is that the kids stay in the house permanently, and you and he buy a studio or rent a mother-in-law suite that each of you will occupy separately when one parent has time with the kids at the house. Or the same might work if each of your families have space in their homes. Sounds like with his low income, he might end up with his family if an outside apartment isn't affordable. At least you know his family is loving and your children will be okay in that environment for part of the week.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Lots of projection here. Presumably her DH works full time, and OP says he is a good father who does his fair share of caring for the kids. That sounds like a perfectly reasonable work ethic to me. Not everyone is cut out for, or capable of, being a high flyer.

Maybe counselling for you on your own would be best rather than relationship counselling at this stage? Just to figure out what you're feeling fully.

If you think it might be the hormonal changes/HRT at root, maybe it's worth speaking to your doctor very plainly about the issue as well.

I agree with category12. It's all very well saying just divorce, but these things can be very expensive and lead to long term complications. Hormones do change for many people this affects sex drive. But it doesn't mean this is forever, this too might be a phase, even if it is a long one.

If it’s been 3 years since you had sex are you even sure he wants to have sex? Maybe he’s not bothered either? The only way to know is to have a discussion about it. We’re in a fairly similar situation, some complex bladder disabilities thrown in and sex just doesn’t happen due to that but we’re both on the same page and there’s no one else I’d rather share my life with.

Every situation is different, but mine has a positive outcome.

My ExH and I had a similar situation and divorced 12 years ago. Yes, it was a painful upheaval for everyone and took a while to adjust, but we are all happier now. He is still a great dad to our 2 DC, we coparent really well together, and the DC have 2 secure homes. They chose 50/50 residency for themselves after 6 months of 70/30. We live 5 mins from each other and speak several times a week about the DC.

ExH married a lovely woman who is far better suited to him than I ever was. The DC have a really healthy relationship template to learn from, which they would never have had if ExH and I were still together. We were solid friends, but there was little physical affection and our differences created a low-level background tension that can't have been healthy for the DC to grow up with. I lost all romantic feelings towards ExH, and that was obviously very painful for him and I carried a lot of guilt, much like yourself.

I have a long-distance BF, and I keep that very separate from my homelife. I had a 9 year relationship previously, and I don't want to ever introduce a new partner to the DC again while they're still dependants living at home. That partner was a nice man, but it didn't work out and that upheaval when that relationship ended was something I regret for the DC.

Other people will have made different decisions and had different outcomes, but I just wanted to illustrate that divorce isn't always the negative that many people fear.

If you knew he also never wanted sex again, would you want to stay in the marraige?

I think that's the crux of it and you don't even know where he stands on that.

You say he's been brilliant about the 3 sexless years - is that because he's a decent man or because he doesn't want it either.

If he told you in the morning, he was leaving, how would you feel?

Flip it around. Imagine you were keen to have regular sex with your DH, but he announced that although he found other women sexually attractive, the thought of having sex with you ever again filled him with horror and disgust. What would you want to happen?

This is so true and it’s true that if you say anything to him you’re fine- men equate sex with love while women want the other stuff first, the hugs the laughs, the chats, the time together. I do think you should maybe ask what he thinks about the fact you both haven’t had sex though, and how happy he is in general.

Re: struggling financially, remember if you divorce your marital assets will be split fairly. The starting point is 50:50, regardless of who has contributed what to that overall pot. He is unlikely to get spousal support from you, but don't assume that everything you brought to the marriage is what you will get to keep.

But I agree with everyone else. You should split. This is no way to live. But I would also recommend that you get some counselling for yourself, just so you can talk this through with someone impartial who can help you to come to terms with it, frame it appropriately both for yourself and him, and move forward with positivity.

I’m sorry you find yourself in this very difficult position. It’s very sad for both of you. The only way forward in your marriage, is if both of you don’t want sex. Marriages do survive without sex, despite what many people think.

Having said that, it does look like you’re headed for divorce. 💐

It really depends on what he thinks though. Maybe he values the family life, and partnership and the sex thing is at the bottom of the list.

This isn't an HRT or hormonal issue...this is a my husband can't be arsed, I pull the financial weight issue.

I don't know - I feel like there are people who just jump straight to ‘If you are not having sex, then end it!’ Mode. There is another person involved, and they have a say in this.

You need to be honest with him. That is all. You have lived with this man for so many years, had children with him so now it is time to be frank and have the conversation…. Just like you would want if the roles were reversed. Don't string him a long anymore, tell him how you feel.

You might be surprised and find that he is happy with the way things are he is happy living as friends, or he might decide this is not a good set-up and he wants more. But you need to offer him the truth of this situation.

You owe it to yourself, your children and your husband to sit down and discuss this. I went through peri and menopause, it was the worst three years of my life and relationship. It took our marriage to the brink. However, 2 years on, we are back on course, very much in love and planning our retirement in the next few years together. The Menopause is one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. Me and my husband had some very frank upsetting discussions, but out of that came a more open, honest and balanced relationship. Tell him how you feel, my husband is a good dad hard worker etc but just had very little understanding of how menopause affected me, it was honestly a lightbulb moment telling him some of the things I had kept to myself. Instead of resenting me, he opened up emotionally to me and really set himself on developing a better understanding of what this meant for pur marriage. Too many women on here go straight for the divorce option, I suspect most are divorced (and misery loves company) Give him the chance he deserves and that you would expect for yourself. I hope whatever happens, you find peace and happiness.

You sound like you have always been incompatible. What has changed with him? He hasn’t changed or been asked too