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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Silent treatment

19 replies

Janeale · 20/03/2026 02:06

My partner and I had an argument over the phone. It was the first argument that we had. I explained the following morning how I felt but have not heard from since except once when my daughter contacted him to let him know I was sick. He asked if I was okay, wished me well and said he wasn’t in the mindset to talk. We have not spoken in three weeks.

To provide context, he may have undiagnosed ASD: he has a strict adherence to routine, an intense interest in exercise, has sensory issues to textures, colours, patterns and has a very restricted diet. He is OCD when it comes to cleaning. I’m the opposite: spontaneous, colourful, my life is a kaleidoscope of colours and tastes. Yet, I’ve made some changes to accommodate him as I want him to feel comfortable in my home but sometimes it doesn’t feel enough as every time he visits there’s some criticism.

I think I know what the answer is, but it pains me to bring things to an end when there have been genuine moments of connection, not only as a couple but as a family. Not sure how long to wait as this could go on for months. Would be interested to know what other people’s experiences of being shut out, what worked for them.

OP posts:
JustTalkToThem · 20/03/2026 02:12

How long have you been together?

Wishingforamiraclex · 20/03/2026 02:34

How long have you been together?

surely thing can’t go on for months it’s so sad he’s shut you out, has he been speaking to your daughter?

Anonanonanonagain · 20/03/2026 04:54

This has NOTHING to do with ASD nor OCD as I have both and I have never abused someone with the silent treatment and it IS abuse. Leave him now and save yourself future heart ache. Silent treatment is ABUSE no matter if the person has anything else going on. End of story.

RunningOnEmptyish · 20/03/2026 05:16

Anonanonanonagain · 20/03/2026 04:54

This has NOTHING to do with ASD nor OCD as I have both and I have never abused someone with the silent treatment and it IS abuse. Leave him now and save yourself future heart ache. Silent treatment is ABUSE no matter if the person has anything else going on. End of story.

I completely agree with this. The silent treatment is abusive and controlling. Don’t let him drain the spontaneity and colour out of your soul. Leave him to his own miserable existence.

ChikinLikin · 20/03/2026 05:23

When he gets in touch, tell him it's too late. Do not kiss and make up.

Runningtokeepstilll · 20/03/2026 05:30

It does sound like you are fundamentally incompatible with him so it would be better to call it a day now. Don’t let him dictate things either just send him an email to let him know if he is unwilling to speak to you.

WhoamItoday11 · 20/03/2026 05:40

End it now! It will only get worse. This is abominal treatment. Do not stand for it. Send him a simple text telling him that as he has ceased communication with you the relationship is over. Please do not subject yourself to years of this treatment.

He really does not sound compatible with you anyway.

category12 · 20/03/2026 05:46

If this is the way he deals with conflict, it's not just about this incident, it's about what would lie ahead of you in this relationship.

Say you got over this particular crisis, what happens next time you disagree? Are you going to avoid saying what you think, squash down your own reactions, try to find some magic way of expressing it that doesn't set him off, or are you going to go through another massive silence? It's not right, OP, it's not OK and it's not something you should accept.

Also, how do you know you're not actually broken up already?

It's no way to conduct an adult relationship. There's "accommodations" and then there's accepting abusive behaviours.

Janeale · 20/03/2026 05:57

Thanks everyone for the comments. I needed to hear this. It is awful behaviour. We’ve been together 2 years. He only communicated to my daughter once after she reached out to him. His behaviour is not acceptable and has caused so much hurt not only to me but to my daughter. Just feeling sad and disappointed. I know what to do.

OP posts:
HazelBite · 20/03/2026 06:01

I am with @WhoamItoday11 just send a text along the lines suggested it really is the thin end of the wedge if you start engaging with this behaviour.

namechange2026 · 20/03/2026 06:31

Anonanonanonagain · 20/03/2026 04:54

This has NOTHING to do with ASD nor OCD as I have both and I have never abused someone with the silent treatment and it IS abuse. Leave him now and save yourself future heart ache. Silent treatment is ABUSE no matter if the person has anything else going on. End of story.

Absolutely this, ND is absolutely not an excuse for abusive behaviour. If you allow them to turn up one day and continue the relationship, its confirming you will tolerate the behaviour.

Justchillinhere · 20/03/2026 14:20

I put up with the silent treatment for 2 days once with an EX, told him to start speaking by a certain time that evening or I'm out, he carried on, next day I was packing, he was playing love songs, begging me to stay. That was Not going to be my normal! Left and didn't look back. I wouldn't put up with it ever again for any amount of time, neither should you. Abuse is not the norm, even if there's been good times in the past

Janeale · 20/03/2026 14:23

This stress of his silence has triggered two seizures. The more I read the responses, the more I realise that his treatment is cruel and toxic. I’ve been over analysing what I’ve said to trigger this shut down. Thank you for your counsel, very much valued and appreciated.

OP posts:
Bristolandlazy · 20/03/2026 14:24

You deserve better than this, better to find out now rather further down the line. You sound live complete opposites, maybe that works but sometime whose that stubborn, wow..I was shocked when I read how long it's been. I was thinking overnight silent treatment maybe but this is something else. Onwards and upwards, a whimsical man who can see the rainbows with you is out there, all the best.

gamerchick · 20/03/2026 15:00

Janeale · 20/03/2026 14:23

This stress of his silence has triggered two seizures. The more I read the responses, the more I realise that his treatment is cruel and toxic. I’ve been over analysing what I’ve said to trigger this shut down. Thank you for your counsel, very much valued and appreciated.

Then say that to him and tell him the way he deals with conflict has a negative impact on your health and it's best to part ways.

Then don't engage with his bullshit.

Firefly100 · 20/03/2026 15:19

I'm really sorry this has happened but you said yourself - you know the answer. The stress of silence is hurting you. Block him, delete the number then at least you know not to expect a communication. Mourn what could have been. Console yourself that you are demonstrating the right behaviours to your daughter

ScorpionLioness79 · 20/03/2026 15:47

I could see a day or two to calm down before reconnecting. But 3 weeks of no communication would tell me all I need to know that he is incapable of caring. Even if he had somehow lost the love he needed to continue with you, a decent man would meet you in person after 2 years together to explain this, versus going no contact. Any good times in the past can never make up for this egregious mistreatment.

EEHHH · 20/03/2026 17:18

If it was me i would help him with the silent treatment by blocking him and moving on.
Stop your daughter from reaching out it has noting to do with her.
I really could not be dealing with anyone that acts like that and blames it all on SEN.

And why would you change for him he`s not done it for you, never change who you are and what you like for a man or anyone else.

Is this the life you really want a sulking over the top man that will only speak to your daughter, and you have to change because he dont like things or the way you are.

Astra53 · 20/03/2026 17:29

As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

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