Reconcile for the children?!

[Confusedmummm]

Confused. I left my husband about 6 months ago and moved out with our two little girls.
I’m now questioning if I should have stayed with him for the girls and if we should reconcile. I kind of miss him but also don’t. When I’m with him I feel intense resentment, and I feel permanently vexed for some reason. Just like minor minor things that are out of his control and for some reason, I get this rush of resentment that he’s not helping, he’s not doing his bit etc etc. It’s hard to explain but I have a lot of negative emotions towards him.
I couldn’t imagine kissing him or anything again either, but I’m wondering if this could change in time.
I left him for numerous reasons, he never made me feel attractive, important, didn’t prioritise me, his work has always been his man priority even when I was in hospital unwell and when I birthed our daughters. He’s also sent flirty messages to other women so I find it hard to trust him. He turns every argument back on me. I had a leak in my rental house so had to stay with him for 2 days and at one point he was on his laptop doing work stuff at the dinner table with our girls. I got upset because I said nothing has changed and this was one of the reasons i left (bearing in mind he wants us back together) and he accused me of trying to make him look like the bad guy, said he can’t believe I’d make him feel that way, he’s trying to please everyone and so on….
but…despite all of this, all I’ve ever wanted was a proper family, I didn’t get that growing up and I’m questioning if I should give it another go for my girls. I feel like I’m making a decision for 4 people based on how just one of us (I) feel and that’s selfish 😔

Would you want your DDs to grow up to be in a relationship like the one you have with him? If the answer is no - and it should be! - then don’t model for them that the women should stay in a marriage where she is undervalued, unhappy, and bearing far more than her fair share of the load. You want them to find life partners who make them feel loved, valued and happy. That’s what you deserve too.

Please also don’t fall into the trap of thinking that only a conventional nuclear family is a “proper family”. Any family with love and care and consideration for each other and joy and pulling together as a team is a proper family.

If you went back for the sake of your DC you would very soon be unable to tolerate all the things that caused you to leave this time. And you would regret going back.

Much better for your DC that you make a new life for yourself and them where you can be be happy, rather than going back to a relationship where you will be unhappy and resentful. It will not be a happy home for them. They will be aware, especially as they start growing up, how unhappy your marriage is.

Six months in to your separation things are bound to be still difficult adjusting to your new lives. But it will get better.

I'll give a short answer.

HELL NO!
Don't fuck your children up by staying in a bad relationship.

Absolutely this.

You moved out with the DC for very good reasons. Cheating should never be tolerated and to him you were the domestic appliance.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Am so sorry that no-one ever bothered with you to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like but this one you were in was certainly not it. Get counselling for yourself to unlearn all the crap you have picked up about relationships along the way.

Your kids and you as their mother are already a family unit.

Going back to him for their supposed sake, well whose sake really because it could be argued it's not theirs but entirely your own. It's the same as staying in a relationship for the supposed sake of the kids. It's not somehow "easier" for you to return and you should not go back to him under any circumstances.

He's only "upset" (more like pissed off) you've left because his gravy train life with you has come to an end. The same old relationship problems that caused you to leave would reemerge and you'd be back at square one finding it even harder to leave. Without him in your day to day life you are not constantly preoccupied by him making yourself more emotionally available to your DC.

Exactly this! Can you think about what you think your children would gain from you being together? Other than a nuclear family, which these days separated parents is not a big deal. My children, who are late teens, have more friends with parents who have split than have remained together.

What your girls will get from you being together is a terrible view of what relationships are, and will end up in the same awful relationships themselves.

I don't know if you should go back, or how your relationship with your H has been. But it does seem that you are carrying a lot of trauma and have expectations about what a relationship should be. And it is possible that those expectations are affecting how you are in a relationship - this or any other you may be in.

"All I’ve ever wanted was a proper family, I didn’t get that growing up" - that is a lot to carry. That also makes you want and expect some "proper family" ideal that may be impossible to attain and maintain.

"I left him for numerous reasons, he never made me feel attractive, important, didn’t prioritise me, his work has always been his man priority"-- here is where I think it is very clear that what you want/expect/need is maybe not something a relationship and family is meant to be.

You say you wanted a family - yet your reasons for leaving are about YOU and your self esteem. It is not on your family - or your H - to make you feel attractive and prop up your self-esteem. I'd also go as far as to say that how you feel about your attractiveness is NOT the main reason to have a family, and certainly not after you have children - where I believe that the priority do shift. Or at least - should. We bring kids to this world - and sort of make a commitment to prioritise them while they are young - to raise and nurture them. And if you are struggling with your self esteem - you need to work on it on your own - maybe with a counsellor?

You want and expect your H to be your cheerleader and prop you up. But you don't feel attractive and important on your own - no one can constantly be there to cheer you. Maybe your H is inattentive - I am not there. But I am not sure it's realistic to expect any man would to be there to do this for you on a long term basis.

As to your H working all the time - it is, of course, hard to say much without knowing more about your circumstances. My exH also used to work all the time - and sure it bothered me too. But at the same time - I knew the demands of the sport of work he was doing. And he worked to provide for our family. So - as in any partnership we did our respective bits.

I'll conclude saying again that I don't know if you need to try again with your H.

It is clear in your OP that you have a lot of pent up issues - some of them specific to your H, but many more are specific to you and what you want/need/expect from a relationship. Personally - I think you could benefit from talking to a professional who can help you sort out how you feel and self-reflect on what you expect from this or ANY relationship.

Sounds like he is incapable of giving you your idea of a proper family

You seem to have a fairly ok deal of co-parenting I would stick with that

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I have many many issues myself and I’m very aware of that and I have therapy already. I am already very aware that I am making this decision based on my own needs and wants and that’s why I ask the question, can people reconcile for the kids, because it wouldn’t be for my own benefit.

It’s more than ‘making me feel attractive’, that’s not the reason I left him. It was more the way he made me feel invisible yet he texts lots of women calling them beautiful etc. Its about a lack of respect than wanting him to big me up. Amongst lots of other things too.

Him working in his own time is his choice, it’s been an issues for the 12 years we’ve been together, he doesn’t have to do it. And yes I understand he’s providing for our family, but so am I. Yet I provided the love and attention side and the play time and meeting all their needs because he’s head down on his phone. So the load feels very uneven and that’s when the resentment builds.

I take on board what you’re saying, looks like I’m the issues and not him, but I don’t see how that changes either.

That’s a really good point. I want my girls to see us respect each other, even if it’s just at pick ups and drop offs. Instead of seeing us fight and argue. My eldest is 3 and every time her dad and I argue she falls asleep and I think it’s a stress reaction from her 😔

He would have to behave better at a contact centre and I would consider using one of those going forward.

Respect works two ways op and he’s never respected you or in turn his dc either. If he had he wouldn’t have treated you like some domestic appliance or messaged other women calling them beautiful. He never calked you that.

I could have written your post a few years ago, I was in exactly the same situation and I did go back. It was a huge mistake and just prolonged the hurt for everyone.

I finally left for good 2 years ago and I’ve never felt happier or more free. I’ve met someone who makes me feel like the most amazing woman on earth but even without him, my life would be so much better. My kids are older now and have said they prefer us both being separated and have better relationships with us both and are happier as things are now. We get on so much better now we don’t have to live together too and co-parent really well.

Resentment is a killer, feeling unloved and unseen is very hard to recover from. Look forwards and imagine how amazing your life could be, chase that and stop looking backwards.

@Confusedmummm how will the children benefit from seeing and learning from a crumbling marriage where Mum is unhappy, depressed and in a bad mood and Dad is absent and sullen when he is there.

How will this make your children grow up into happy, functional adults?

It just doesn't. It makes them anxious, afraid and nervous as children and traumatised as adults.

Get divorced. He has chosen his career over his family. His chance to show you he was wrong and wants his family back is passing by. Where are the big changes, self reflection and work he should have been putting into YOU? He hasn't made even a fraction of effort with your marriage as he has getting his work tasks done.

Remember that. You're not even as important to him as a spreadsheet.

Stay away. Rebuild yourself and your life and set higher standards for yourself when it comes to love.

My parents stayed together "for the children"
Please don't, it was awful

Gosh, no, why would you do that to your poor daughters? They don’t deserve your childhood baggage dumped on them to carry on for another generation. A proper family is one where they don’t have to tiptoe around on eggshells carrying all the tension and resentment in their bodies that their parents should be handling. Model healthy behaviours for them so they don’t put up with this crap themselves one day.

I grew up in a family just like what you describe and the day my mum said she and my dad were divorcing was secretly one of the happiest memories I have. I was so glad we were moving out and going to have peace. It served me well and I created a lovely family life for my dc because she taught me what not to put up with.

I'm all for staying together for the children if there are no regular pitched rows but since you've already split you might as well stay split. The last thing you want is to cause disruption again.

Also sounds like there are arguments which will be awful for the kids.

The bit I don't get is how you have two children under 4 with a guy you don't like. He really went from the perfect guy to commit to and have kids with to literally unbearable in 4 years?

@Confusedmummm

There are many reasons why relationships fail. And it's unlikely that it's only due to one person - either him or you. And if resentment is there - it's very difficult, if not impossible, to change and go back. And him texting other women is, obviously, not something that is easy to get past.

My post wasn't to say - you are the issue. More to make you think about yourself and what you expect from this or ANY relationship. Because people tend to carry their issues from one relationship to another.

If you don't sort your own side - you'll run into same issues again with any new person you meet.

Generally - women often say (expect? hope? demand?) that they want to be made to feel special and cherished in a relationship. Personally - I hear that and say, ok, yes, it's nice. It makes us feel wanted and good about ourselves.

To me - this often seems that many women seem to only feel good about themselves IF their man reflects it back. And if the man fails to do it continuously - women get resentful and blame the men for not making them feel special. Which I don't think is fair to expect off anyone. And it infantilises you as a person.

On the separate subject of working hard, or all the time.... I don't know what his job is, how stressful it is, and how confident he is at it, etc.
But I do know everybody is different and deals with stresses differently.

You said he always been this way about his job. It's not a new thing, and it's not a personal thing. It is possible that he does not know how to be different; OR that it's the way his job is set up. OR that it is the only way he can do it.

There are many reasons why he works the way he does. And - for men - a lot more of their societal worth (and as a result, self esteem) rides on his success and ability to earn money. Judging him on it, I find, is not entirely fair.

Again - I say it without knowing any details about his job, your finances, etc.
The reason I am saying is this is only for you to try to think about the bigger picture. Many men would prioritise their job - and often over relationships.

Just like many women would chose to make sacrifices for the children.

We are different and prioritise different things. It is not very likely that you'll meet someone who has exactly the same hopes, dreams and expectations.

Just because you are hungry, doesn’t mean you should eat poison.

Yeah I struggle with this too. We’ve always had underlying issues and poor communication, but after my second daughter was born 16 months ago I felt like a bubble popped and I could see more clearly. He didn’t change at all but I saw and read in to every action different. Maybe it was becoming a parent that changed me. I went to therapy thinking I maybe had PND and if I was self sabotaging for some reason. But I think therapy made me realise that id just stopped brushing things under the carpet and maybe my tolerance had dropped. It’s not the life I expected and if I could get back in that bubble I would but I don’t think I’ll ever see him in the way I did.

He hasn't changed so going back would do nothing positive.

Staying in a shit marriage just shows your kids that you stay in a shit marriage and put up with a husband who does nothing and cheating is ok. That marriage filled with disrespect and resentment is normal?

How the hell does that help your kids? One of them is already trying to shut down during your arguments in front of them.

Do you want your marriage for your kids?

If your doing anything for the kids it should be staying apart.
I really hate that women have been told to "stay for the kids". If my mum had stayed with my dad "for me" I would be horrified. Don't place that burden on them it's not fair. Your not giving them a happy, safe life by going back.

Your job is to model a healthy relationship. Right now you have taught them right, you have shown them not to stay and tolerate what is at minimum disrespect. Dont teach them to go back and accept it!

I don't think you should go back because he's not changed and the same problems will continue. It wouldn't be this idyllic nuclear family set-up, because he's not that husband.

It would be even harder to break up a second time and worse for your dc.

Work on co-parenting civilly and respectfully.