What sort of a man is this?

[neutralfoxx]

I don’t even know where to start. This man is my mums partner and has been for over 20 years, he was my “step dad” growing up but honestly I never really viewed him in that way. He hasn’t worked for a long time and has been on disability benefits. When he did last work it was for my mum. He is extremely snobby and won’t shop at the likes of Tesco or aldi, he will only shop in Waitrose or the likes of. For Mother’s Day I decided to buy a few different bouquets for my mum and make it into one big one. I took my time creating a beautiful bouquet for her. Tonight she told me how he had called my bouquet and said it looked like I had pulled it from a graveyard. It really p*ssed me off. If anyone ever does anything nice or achieves something he has to say something negative. He is extremely judgmental about peoples appearances too. Growing up he would always comment on my weight and called me names which he would say were a joke but they hurt. My child had surgery in hospital a few weeks ago and I have a newborn baby who I had to take with me as I breastfeed and my husband had to stay home and care for our other children. My mum was going to come with us but she was ill. When my daughter came out of surgery she was in a lot of pain and my new baby was also crying so admittedly I was struggling in that moment and I called my mum to see if she could come and help. She wanted to come but he said no he would not drive her to the hospital.
recently he embarrassed my mum in public by having a go at her over something very petty, he had come out of a shop and couldn’t find her in the car park so instead of calling her he was walking around looking for a bit before he found her and then he was having a go at her in front of people. There have been many occasions like this. My mum always says she wants him to leave but then they’ll just go back to their normal ways within a day or two? It is exhausting. There is so much more about him but these are just a few recent events. He always says he is depressed, but he has such an easy life. No work. No children. He doesn’t do housework. He has no family or friends. I mean absolutely no one without my mum. My mum made him pay for a private therapist but he must not have been honest because the outcome was just useless. Has anyone experienced someone like this?

Your mum has got with a horrible man love, I'm so sorry for you.
Please, please distance yourself from him.
If there is only one thing that I can tell you is please distance yourself xxx

I don’t know, he sounds truly awful, but your mum seems to be enabling it. Why pass on his cruel comments about your gift to you? Why does she need him to drive her to the hospital to help you - she’s never learned to drive herself so feels dependent on him? Why didn’t she leave him and protect you as a child when he made cruel comments about you?

I don’t want to be cruel as perhaps your mum is really downtrodden and he’s destroyed her self confidence and self worth, but sometimes one spouse can be quietly going along with everything whilst the more vocal one takes the blame.

Very abusive
as other posters have said, stay away from him , including your children

it’s up to your mum if she wants to leave

He sounds horrible but tbh so does your mum.
if someone said something horrible about your dc would you go and tell your dc what the person said? Like why did she need to say that to you?
if someone called your dc names and commented on their weight and laughed at them would you just let it go and let them
do it again and again?
You’re upset in part because you’re trying to protect your mother, but she’s never protected you

Agreed but perhaps she’s at the point where she wants someone to show the strength she feels she lacks, ie, she’s hoping the OP might say:

“Wow, Steve, what a nasty and unnecessary thing to say. I put a lot of effort into that because I love my mum and I think the flowers look lovely. I’d ask if you’ve ever considered keeping your unpleasant opinions to yourself but given that mum and I are the only people who still tolerate you, it seems obvious you’re this rude to everyone. And to be honest, I’m only one more nasty comment away from joining the rest of them.”

It’s not appropriate to insult your adult child, to push them into standing up to their step dad for you.
this also doesn’t explain allowing the man to be cruel to op when she was a child.

I had a stepfather like this. Perhaps not quite as bad, but he was like poison, such a horrible negative person. He was also jealous of me, and jealous that my mother and I had such a close bond. My H and I would drive home from seeing them and the whole 2 h drive we would be talking and shouting, telling each other how we'd felt the whole time being with this guy. My H called it detoxifying ourselves.

My mother was part of the problem. She stayed with him and kept telling me how he loved me, and I kept thinking, "Really?!" But I wanted to see my mother, so I let it go for a long while. I did have a few very serious bust-ups with him when he went too far, like major face to face shouting matches. He would get a bit better but not for long, because he was just a miserable shit person. Finally, when I had my first kid and he came to the hospital and just completely poisoned everything as per usual, I hit my limit. I told my mother that I would no longer come to see her. If she wanted to see me and DD, she had to come to me.

A year later, I invited them to my place for DD's first birthday and he was extemely nice and even apologised. After that, it was somewhat better, he was still the same arse but a bit more tolerable.

After my mother died, though, I ditched him pronto. He desperately wanted me to be as devoted to him as I was to my mother. No bloody way. I am SO RELIEVED I never ever have to deal with him again.

Maybe you need to put boundaries with your mother like I did. She's being a bit selfish, and it's OK to make things so that it's not too awful to see her.

Don’t disagree with you at all but I’m giving the OP a starting point. She seems to love and care about her mum so standing up for herself and her mum in a way her mum (for whatever reason, good or bad) doesn’t feel able to do may help both of them.

There’s always a big backstory as to why people tolerate abuse and yes, sometimes it’s because they are weak, but there’s usually also a reason that they are weak that can be understood.

I do feel I must be a bit weak because I put up with it all. I’ve even supported him in times he’s been low. I get nothing but negativity in return. I love my mum but I do feel he brainwashes her. She does realise this sometimes but then it only lasts about a day and then she’s just back to “loving him” it’s so weird and it makes me angry. He treats everyone around him like sh*t.

I wish I was strong enough to say im not seeing him because my mother relies on him now to drive her. Well, she says she does. She is disabled but she could drive some days if she needed to. I definitely wouldn’t stay with someone just because they were my transport. Glad you got freedom though!

I didn’t mean you, I meant your mum, but I think it says something that you took it as being about you.

I think you feel over-responsible for accommodating your mum’s choices (no surprise there, as this started when you were a child) but at this point in your life, you don’t have to go along any more. You’re allowed to stand up to this nasty man, even if she won’t.

Are you scared that if you do, he will want her to choose between the two of you?

he would definitely try get her on his side in his weird ways

Your mum didn’t protect you when you were younger, in effect she chose him over you, think about that and get angry your mum is not some innocent bystander in this. You need to do better than she was able to do and protect your children from him before he has the chance to start on them. I would be distancing myself massively from them both, maybe offer your mum to come to yours on her own for a visit, if she won’t then sorry she is still prioritising him over you and her grandchildren. Of course she is entitled to make that choice and you are entitled to react to that as you see fit.
Your mum telling about the nasty things he said about your flower gift is just bizarre does she want to cause you hurt, why would she do that?
She could leave but chooses not to, it’s her life, but it doesn’t have to be yours.

He’s a dick and your mum’s a mug.

Sorry love 💐 (hope your child is feeling better now too).

I would go no contact with him, tell ur mum u dot want o hear a thing about him and whatever u do don’t let him see your kids as they will
Be next to suffer the abuse. Stop the cycle. Your mum clearly can’t so tell her u u will
only see her out of there home by herself.

Your mother made a choice here and she has chosen him over you. She is indeed not some innocent bystander in all this. She has failed you abjectly as your parent.

What do you know if anything about this man's family background?. Same question re your mother. I ask as this often gives clues.

She will continue to throw you under the bus and otherwise put him first. She will never leave him. She has been taught and or otherwise led to believe by him that is she nothing without him; the drip, drip, drip of his poison into her ears over many years. Such abusive men like this man are master manipulators and he targeted your mother deliberately.

Your kids and you need to stay well away from the two of them. I doubt very much she will ever come and see you on her own because he will not permit it and he is the centre of her world. Having contact with him will do you no favours whatsoever and as you write yourself he treats everyone around him like shit.

He is just horrible and your Mother is an enabler.

A therapist can't change someone’s natural personality they give them coping strategies. You can’t stop someone being a massive shit.

You are not weak. You are a kind, loving and decent person trying your best to deal with a total bastard in difficult circumstances.

Just look at how you made such a special effort to make a personal and beautiful bouquet for your mum on Mother's day despite being so busy with your little ones.

He won't change. The change needed has to come from your mum. She doesn't have to put up with him. You can't make her change or make the change for her. You can only live your own life.

Can you tell your mum quietly exactly how your feel. Be very honest. Tell her you would love to see her, but that he drains you at every possible opportunity. You don't want to see him, hear about him, have anything to do with him. You don't want to hear if he says bad things about you or the presents you give.

Put him in a box you don't have to open. Separate him in your life and your mind from your mum. Keep him from your dear children.

Get help with doing that from friends, family, a therapist if that helps. Make your life easier.

Sometimes in life we have to lay our cards on the table and set a boundary or we will fall into a trap of sacrificing our own peace of mind for someone else's assholery - possibly for many, many years. I did that. The asshole is dead now but I really regret tolerating him for so long. Don't do that.