Marriage - has ship sailed?

[EagerGreenShaker]

When it comes to getting engaged and marriage, is there such a thing as too late?

We have been together about 15 years and still not even engaged.

The dream was always to get married and have a special day. Over the years, we’ve never had the money to do the marriage thing as only one of us has been able to work due to health issues and wanting to buy a home first.

We’ve now bought our home and have our kids but just feels that we’re late to the party and that everyone else around us has already done it even though they’ve been together a lot less time.

We do have 2 couples who are one friends and other family who have just got engaged and will do a full blown lavish wedding. We don’t have money for doing anything big and don’t have many family or friends to invite with many important family members having passed away over the last 15 years. I feel even if we were to get engaged now, it would just be overshadowed by those other 2 couples and as much as say would not do it, I feel everything would become a comparison.

Is this about getting married or having a wedding?

Marriage is a contract and it is this that matters. One of the important factors is that it protects the economically weaker party and affects inheritance rights.

Why are you so bothered about what everyone else is doing?
You either do or do not have the day you’d like and can afford.
If anything though, you should marry to protect yourself.

Do you want the big lavish event or the marriage?
if it’s the marriage- just do it town hall style and get married

If you want to get married for the legal/financial side at least, could you maybe just have a day where you get married with your kids/close family there and then go out for a meal somewhere really special, maybe just you and the kids (depending on how much family is around)? A special wedding doesn't have to be big or fancy.

If you want to get married, find a way to do a special day within your budget and ability to organised. No one's going to sneer at you for not having a massive party, and you really need to stop comparing to other people. This is about you and your partner (and your kids, I guess), no one else.

I've had 2 weddings. Both small. The first one was me, my fiance and two witnesses. And we had an absolutely wonderful day which I still look back fondly on even though the marriage didn't last.

I don't see why you should be approaching a possible wedding as a competition with other peoples.
You and your partner can think up a special day focusing on what would be enjoyable to you both.
At the end of the day its the vows and the legal commitments and security of marriage that are important. Making it an enjoyable day for you both is the bonus

People get married in their eighties when they worry about inheritance tax, people get married on their deathbeds. Why care about what other people are doing in their relationships? If you both want to get married then get married. A lavish wedding doesn’t make your relationship better. Is it you who hasn’t been working? If so I’d take a proper look at what a split or your partner’s death makes your life look like unmarried.

Quietly elope & have a nice weekend away with the kids.

This is nonsense.
If you can afford to buy a house you can afford a wedding.

Which is a legal ceremony + party
For 1-2k you can get a legal ceremony, dress flowers a bbq / party in the garden.

I know because I had a cheap wedding.

The dream was always to get married and have a special day.

My day was perfectly special it just didnt cost 65k

I would do it for the sake of it being the best way of protecting both of you in the event of unexpected death etc. And if it's just for legalities and practicalities, a quick registry office appointment would do.

If you want it to be an event, why not consider eloping and doing it at Gretna or abroad? That doesn't have the pressure of comparison with other people's big dos at home.

Or if you want the expensive do, I guess prioritise saving for it. You could always marry quietly and then have a big blessing type celebration later on when you can afford to pull out all the stops.

I wouldn't reject marrying because you can't have the wedding day you dreamt of. The legal stuff is so important and easiest way of looking after each other if the worst happens.

If you don't do it, make sure you've got wills etc in place.

As others have said, weddings don’t have to be huge lavish affairs and if you want to marry for the legal protection you can do that any time in line with your budget. If it’s more about a big do, white dress and bridesmaids then I think you made different choices about how to proceed with your relationship, and yes personally I think that ship has sailed. But loads of people have ‘traditional’ engagements and weddings when they’ve been together for ages and already have kids these days, so they’ll all disagree with my antiquated notions I’m sure.

I think you need a conversation with your partner about your wishes.
Why are you so scared to do this?

The best wedding I've been to was a registry office ceremony followed by a walk up to a small party in a converted factory. The wedding dress was from Shein and it looked amazing. Your nearest and dearest would have a wonderful time celebrating with you I'm sure.

My husband and I, each entering a 2nd marriage, got married by a river in a national park, in attendance solely by the officiant and a photographer. A beautiful, emotional experience.

There are a million alternatives to traditional wedding ceremonies and receptions. The priority should be creating a beautiful moment for vows with your forever love. Other people's views of what that will be is irrelevant. Is there a reason you care too much of what other people will think or expect?

Think of a budget first of what you're comfortable affording. And then decide who will be in attendance, and what is high on the list to spend on. Let the lower things on the list go if it's eating up too much of the budget. I have a relative who did things wrong IMO and spent too much on flowers for a 20 minute service, and then just used a friend to take photographs which was a big mistake. The photos were lousy. Paying for a professional photographer to me was important as it's wonderful to blow up the best photo to hang on the wall and to have an album of more photos.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

We got married on our lunch breaks. We had plenty of money but didn’t want to organise, and even involving immediate family only would have been big, as we both come from lots of siblings, and they and our parents all lived overseas. Do exactly what you want. Ours cost about £200.

When we married, we did a register office with a few people and a simple lunch for a dozen afterwards, then a party in our home in the evening. It doesn’t have to cost. What’s more, it wasn’t stressful!

I got married to my DH after two years of dating, because we were desperate to be husband and wife. Our wedding cost about 7k (all day event for 150 people so not cheap) but if we hadn't had that money we would have got married in jeans on a hill with a few family witnesses for £100. We wanted to be married.

Do you want a marriage, or a wedding?

Getting married doesn't have to be big or lavish OP. It doesn't have to cost much money and if your family/friends network is small then from this POV that's good! If you and your DP want to get married, get a marriage licence and book a date, either at your local town hall or go and speak to your parish priest/whatever your religion is. A wedding is about you and your DP making a public commitment to one another that is legally binding, everything else is window dressing.

I got married last year at age 59 after 29 years together. We just wanted the legal contract to really, but ended up having 8 guests at the registry office then just 15 of us in our garden for prosecco, then dinner in our house. It actually felt really special and people said it was the best wedding they'd ever been to!

The wedding doesn't matter, getting the legal document does. If one of you is long term unemployed with no pension contributions they are in a precarious position, and you both have zero legal status or protection.

See the citizens advice link for everything you're both currently missing out on.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Just saw this thread is from a few days ago and the OP doesn't reply to any of her threads. Hopefully the replies/link will be useful anyway.

That is so rude, and annoying! Imagine asking someone in real life for advice, which they kindly give to you, then you walk off without saying anything! 🤣

Maybe she’s gone to get married

Nothing stopping you. Just go to registry office and get married for around £200. Not a big deal. I did this 19 years ago. Got a strong marriage. I didn't care about the wedding.