Should I be more concerned?

[AramintaBelle]

DH and I are in our mid-40’s with 2 primary aged DC’s. I recently discovered that he has been exchanging messages almost on a daily basis with an ex-girlfriend that he had at university (so 20-odd years ago). The messages are all pretty innocuous so I didn’t really give it much headspace. Talk of shared acquaintances (of whom a number are in our close friendship group), that they both have kids of a similar age etc. However when I mentioned it to my sister, she’s of the opposite opinion and firmly convinced that he’s on a slippery slope to infidelity, emotional or otherwise.

There are no other red flags; no behaviour changes, we live at the opposite end of the country (although he does work in the same city she lives in a couple of days per week but there is no indication at all they are planning to meet in person) and he’s never given me any reason to not trust him.

However with my sisters reaction and the fact that the chat has been going strong for a couple of weeks and hasn’t dropped off before now, I’m not sure if I’m being naive and should perhaps mention it and ask him to extricate himself from the conversation? Any advice?

You say theres no other red flags but him messaging his ex behind your back is the biggest red flag there is. It always starts there. Why would he be talking to an ex in the first place? With what purpose? Your sister is entirely correct.

If its out if the blue then yes it is suss. SIL ex got in touch out of the blue, it was when were in our forties so a while ago, lo and behold he had marital troubles and missed her, it was his mid life crisis.

Does he talk as much as this to any other friends?

I'd be a bit concerned as it's a lot of contact and while he's working away, he has opportunity.

That's a huge amount of messaging to an ex he hasn't seen in 20 years and he's in her city a couple days a week.

He didn't tell you, you discovered it.

Someone's testing the waters.

There are definitely red flags, keeping it from you.

He is a sociable sort and does keep in almost daily contact on WhatsApp with his friends so I wouldn’t say generally messaging frequently was out of character.

But yes, it has started out of the blue, her name hasn’t been mentioned before now. I don’t feel like he’s deliberately kept it from me, in that he will leave his phone lying round for all to see, but no, he hasn’t been like “hey look, I got this message from X, she ran into Y who we know very well, small world eh”

Well after recently getting back in touch with someone from 19 years ago, all the feelings come back 10 fold and also there’s an aspect of time running out, looking at our lives etc. As much as I think men and women can be friends, I do think it can be a perfect storm

Oh well, if it's normal for him to be chatty, then it's probably nothing to fret about. I guess if there are any changes in his behaviour, like becoming secretive with his phone, then worry.

(It's not like you can stop someone cheating if they want to anyway, it's a bit of a false sense of security to police them.)

How far do the messages go back, if it’s daily but recent it would make sense to have more whilst they discuss what they have been up to, family, friends still in touch etc. The frequency might naturally decline. From what you have said I wouldn’t be bothered.

The messages go back about 2-3 weeks so not months of daily life-sharing.

I think my main concern, now I’ve given it headspace, is what @Disturbia81 mentions - the nostalgia from their uni days and associated feelings. He’s just turned 45 and we’re in the trenches with 2 young kids as well as in the middle of a house reno so life isn’t as joyful as it would have been at the age of 21.

Talk to him about it? Don't accuse him, simply say what you've just said here that since talking to your sister it's rattling around in your head.
See what he says, if he's overly defensive and doesn't stop talking to her then yes you may have an issue.
But you may well find he never thought about his actions and will reassure you that nothings wrong and back off the contact

I’ve generally seen it as a positive that my h is on good terms with most of his exs. A couple of times it’s made me feel insecure and I’ve told him as much and he’ll tell me exactly what they were talking about or show me messages or whatever, as well as lots of general reassurance and affection. I don’t want to restrict his friendships, he respects that my feelings are not an accusation and they matter even if they’re not totally rational.

It’s relevant that this contact with exs is irregular eg a phone call once a year, or a short flurry of messages every few months. It would bother me more if he was in daily contact for a prolonged period, whether with an ex or any other female friend. It also feels safer to me if the friendship is mostly confined to a small part of life eg someone that he shares a sporting or work related interest with and almost all conversations relate to that topic. I think it becomes a problem if his first thought for any piece of news or minor event is to share it with that person, if the connection to that person is emotionally always live, always on his mind. That’s a part I feel should be reserved for me. Obviously also if it gets flirty, but it sounds like that’s not the case here.

Can you talk to him about it? Just as you have here — “I didn’t think anything of it until whatever comment but then it started to feel weird”. I’d try to go into it with minimal judgment. It’s very plausible that he’s just enjoying catching up with an old friend and there’s really nothing more to it at all. Plus, it’s not actually evil to have nostalgic semi-romantic feelings for someone that used to be important to you, it’s normal in an established relationship to miss the excitement of getting to know someone. That doesn’t have to lead to an affair or mean that the relationship is broken but it would be something to bring into the open so it doesn’t escalate.

From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound obviously bad and I’d trust your own sense of your relationship in the absence of any other evidence.

So he didn’t tell you they had been in touch ? That to me is worrying more so than the messages. Why not hey guess who I heard from. I know I would and visa versa. The onetime I didnt I had cause for concern. You could take a watch and wait approach .. problem is you tip your hand if you say you have seen them and if something is developing he will just hide it better. Men this age seem to be overly susceptible to things kind of things. I don’t know .. I wouldn’t panic just yet but I would be uneasy .. it’s the not mentioning it and the hiding of it more than anything

He works in the same city she lives in every week? Yeah OP, I should watch this one.

Yes if he works in the same city where she lives I would suspect that he ran into her or even arranged to meet up with her and that was why the messages suddenly started up.

I think the fact he works in the same city, the messages starting up unexpectedly after all this time and the secrecy are a worrying combination OP

@AramintaBelle, I agree with your sister that your H is playing with fire. Yes he is chatty with friends, but as he has an emotional and sexual history with this woman, this daily contact is too intense. Another troubling element is his lack of transparency.

The danger is that in frequently reaching out and reconnecting, their nostalgic feelings and the reflections of their younger selves will be highly intoxicating. Their current conversation may be innocuous, but they are investing, building intimacy, and enjoying mutual validation. After 3 weeks of constant contact, I’d say that boundaries are already being blurred. If this keeps up they will likely make plans to meet up for coffee or lunch when he is in her city, which would be another escalation.

@AramintaBelle, I would absolutely speak to him about your valid concerns. He needs to dial this down pronto. If he pushes back, you will know that he is already too invested.