Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Long-term relationship feels like flatmates after children, how to reconnect?

3 replies

jmrpinkie · 19/03/2026 12:52

I am 35. I have been with my partner for almost 10 years. We have one 5 year old and a 10 week old. My family and best friends all live abroad where I am from. His family live in this country but not close by. I have always been deeply in love and connected with my partner but for the past 2 years things have felt strained. Nobody has cheated. Nobody has been horrible. But I feel like we are living totally different lives alongside each other. Like we’re flat mates.

I want our relationship to work and I want us to stay together for the kids but also because we have had an amazing relationship in the past. He’s the person I always wanted to do life with. But I honestly have no idea how to get back there. I think in all honesty i have probably changed and what I want from the relationship has shifted a bit. He’s an introvert. I am not. He’s not attentive to my needs really. But I feel we’ve both just become lazy and content in just existing alongside each other but I can’t do it anymore. Has anyone had similar ?

sorry I’m probably not explaining it well.

OP posts:
tarheelbaby · 19/03/2026 14:10

I had similar, including the foreign aspect. When the DCs are small, it's hard to avoid the colleagues/flatmates trap. The key is spending time together as grown-ups, I found.

So enlist any babysitters you can and try to add in more date nights/lunches and weekends away. Find a friend to trade sleepovers for the 5yr old?

ScorpionLioness79 · 19/03/2026 14:29

What do you mean by "his not attentive to my needs." Have you asked for what you need and he doesn't do anything, or he did it in the past and you haven't said anything, thinking he should do it of his own accord?

If you don't have friends, see if there are any Mommy and Me groups. If your five year old has a special friend at school, you could ask the parent if a playdate could be set up. Those connections will also be good for posibly exchanging babysitting hours so that you can go on dates with your husband, or to ask if they know of anybody who they can refer as a babysitter.

At home, keep your physical connection alive by sometimes suggesting giving each other a foot rub or back rub while you listen to music or watch TV. When apart, send a sweet text, telling him you miss him. Pick up a special treat he likes when you're at the store. When you put in effort, he will hopefully begin putting in more effort himself.

If things have gotten stale in the bedroom, try new things like role playing, new positions.

Make sure you avoid blaming language. Instead of "You never do XYZ. Why can't we ever XYZ." It's better to say things like, "I'd like it if we XYZ. I think it'd be fun if we try XYZ."

It's also important to miss each other. Giving each other the gift of free time alone is good for the soul. He can stay home with the kids while you have a hobby or time with a girl friend once a week, and you can give him the same time to himself.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

jmrpinkie · 19/03/2026 15:29

Thanks both this is really useful advice.

him not being attentive to my needs is slightly unfair. I would say 50% of the time I have said I need you to help more with this or I need you to ask me how you can help and he’ll do it for a week and then forget. I think the other 50% is me wanting him to be more engaged in me, in discussions around our kids etc that I’ve not explicitly said. So perhaps unfair to ask him. I think I’m getting scared because I feel our relationship is heading to the way his parents is. Basically his mum being the boss, being controlling and telling his dad what to do etc. that’s not me. We’re equals.

it’s hard being on mat leave for example because my expectations of dinners and cleaning have obviously gone up because I have time. His have stayed the same. So I know that’s not necessarily fair.

I think spending time together is key. We don’t do that. And at the moment it’s heightened as in the evenings I’m trying to go to bed when the baby goes down as I need sleep but that means we have about an hour together after 5yo goes to bed before baby and I go down.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page