I know what I have to do here, but it doesn’t make it any easier, and I’d welcome hearing about other people’s experiences.
DS is in first year of 6th form, and is about to turn 17. He’s been with his first girlfriend for about 4 months. She’s at the same 6th form but doing different subjects.
At first it all seemed very sweet, he’d been desperate for a girlfriend, and was very happy. DS adores her. She’s pretty, sweet, clever and studious.
But she’s seemingly deeply traumatised. She had a previous boyfriend for a year, who by all accounts was very nasty, controlling, treated her badly, and has left her quite scarred. She’s also in a permanent state of stress - about homework, exams, driving lessons, friendships - pretty much all life issues make her very very stressed.
And when she’s stressed, DS can’t do anything right. If he tries to reassure her that she’ll be fine in a test because she’s worked hard, she tells him he’s minimising her stress and that he doesn’t understand.
She sometimes gets drunk at a parties and flirts with other boys. If DS doesn’t say anything, she accuses him of not caring. If DS says it upsets him when she flirts, she calls him controlling. There’s another lad in their year who fancies her, who she’s friends with, and he keeps giving her lifts home, buying her gifts etc. She has said she’s not interested but it continues. Again, if DS pretends he’s OK with this, she thinks he’s uncaring. But if he says he doesn’t like it, she says he’s controlling.
Every couple of weeks she’ll tell DS that she’s going to break up with him, because he’s too caring, or not caring enough, or too good for her, or not good enough for her - it varies. Each time they talk for hours, he apologises and begs, and she forgives him, and then it’s all OK again. Until the next time.
DS doesn’t open up to me much - he never has - but lately he’s talked a bit more. He tells me he loves her and he’ll do whatever it takes to make her happy. I’ve gently suggested that she seems to be very difficult to please, and that he’s constantly walking on eggshells. I’ve urged him to not blame himself all the time, and try to be objective in their arguments.
But I know from my own teenage years that the more parents dislike a boy/girlfriend, the more the teen will “double down” and defend them. My Mum nearly drove me away completely with her disapproval of my vile teen boyfriend. So I’ve got to grit my teeth and be supportive throughout this car crash. It’s bloody hard though.
Of course I’m only hearing one side, and it’s possible my DS is being clumsy in his behaviour and communication. But I hear them talk a lot (paper thin walls), and I know he’s besotted with her, so I’m pretty sure my interpretation is accurate.
Anyone else been through this and come out the other side?