Getting over an emotional affair

[ChicRoseMoose]

Hi,

I am looking for some advice regarding the pretty horrible situation I’m in. I’m mainly looking for advice for people who have been through it, please don’t reply just telling me to leave as I’m trying to find a way to fix this.

To cut a long story short, around 18 months ago my other half met someone at work (his job isn’t office based but he was sometimes there for a day or 2 a month). From that n meeting they began messaging constantly (after a few months I asked him to stop, he said he did but he continued to message). It all came to a head in December 2024 when something happened (nothing physical, just a massive lie where I nearly left him but he promised from here onwards his focus is me).

I then got pregnant with our twins in January and things have been fine ever since, however he went to the office last October and saw her again. After seeing her again, he began calling her 2-3 times a month and this has been going on since he stopped last month. He’s admitted to me he has feelings for her but he doesn’t care about her and has no desire to leave me for her, it’s just a connection (it sounds a bit like limerance to me). He has now stopped going into the office and has cut all contact with her (he’s not spoken to her in over a month) and he said his only focus is me and repairing our relationship.

I guess I’m asking, how do I move forward? I still love him, I know in my heart of hearts he hasn’t done anything physical and he’s just allowed a crush to progress to something. I know he loves me and wants me, I just feel very broken.

thank you for any advice x

I wouldn’t trust him. I know someone who tried to believe her husband and the same woman “emotional affair) has cropped up four times over twenty years.

Only you know how you can move forwards OP.
I 'moved forwards' with my husband in an identical scenario and it turned into a full blown affair but that's just my experience.

I have a pretty high bar now and anything like that I will leave.

I have been in this position before but the other way around (your DH position). The harsh reality is that it was so easy for me to chat to somebody outside of the relationship because I had already mentally checked out of the relationship and didn’t love the person anymore. He has already told you once before that he wouldn’t talk to her again and yet done it anyway - what makes you think this time is different? Never stay with anybody for the sake of the children - a lot of the time the children are better off with a single parent than growing up in a toxic household. Have you got family or friends that can support you when the children are born?

I was the person in your DH’s position and honesty it changed the direction of my entire life. Looking back, I think it gave me a way to explore the possibility of a life outside my marriage, as it was very humdrum and the love we had, had dissipated over the years.

I did leave in the end, not for the emotional affair partner though, and I am happier. I’m in a relationship that feels like my marriage should have done.

I think there’s a lot of soul searching to be done on both sides here; a truly happy man wouldn’t be open to this, and a truly happy secure woman wouldn’t be having to deal with trust issues like this.

Im sorry you’re going through it; it’s awful. It was like an earthquake that upended everything for me, but ultimately both me and ExDH are happier apart (and still friends).

Just to clarify - I have NOT trapped him in with a pregnancy! How ridiculous, my twins were born last year and they are 7 months old.

Maybe it was a mistake asking on here! I’m going to delete the post, I only wanted people’s experiences, not to be lectured on how I should feel! 🫠

That’s incredibly judgmental … what on earth gave you the idea she ‘trapped ‘ her own husband?

The only people I know who had got by this (well two years by it so far) involved him changing job.

Is your DH putting in the effort to assure you that he loves you and the twins, I’m sorry but only you will know if you can forgive and move on. Did you see any of the messages and what they contained.

Wow... trapping? That's a massive assumption.

This isn't something you can fix, it needs to be on him. He needs to prove to you it will never happen again. Getting a different job should have been his first step, no matter how inconvenient it would be for him. The fact that he may have not had anything physical isn't reassuring, he prioritised another woman over you. He needs to do the work to regain your trust because he is the one who broke it. Even if he steps up, you will never have 100% trust in him because he has shown he is capable of doing this. Only you can decide if you can live with that.

I would suggest talking this over with a counsellor on your own and as a couple. It's a very crappy place to be and I am so sorry xx

How can he have feelings for her but not care for her?

It's been two years for me. I don't trust my husband even though he has done all the right things including changing jobs. I live with constant low level anxiety. I am currently getting my ducks in a row and will see how I feel once I no longer am trapped by finances.

It has to come from him. In his position I would seek to change jobs to give you the reassurance he has cut her out of his life.

From your side - if you want to give it time, then do. Trust is quickly broken, but takes ages to repair. Eventually he might be able to persuade you that he’s 100% committed again.

I’m sorry if you feel attacked. Apart from the one poster who obviously misread your post, I think people are posting in good faith. It’s a really hard thing to go through.

Thank you - I have seen most of the messages. Of course I don’t know what was discussed on phone calls but from the messages it was just nonsense chat. Part of me feels it was escapism for him, I don’t know.

I don’t think he doesn’t care for her what he meant was he doesn’t care about having anything with her. He only wants to focus on me. It’s hard because he’s the type of person who just would never do this, it’s so out of character.

he said he never thought oh life would be better with her, he just got caught up in having nice conversations with her. I don’t know, I guess I just need time and space to think about what I really want.

For the moment concentrate on your children, take whatever help and support you can get, as for him you owe him no loyalty, when you are stronger and in a better possition decide how you wish to proceed with your life.

There is no time scale for for deciding upon disloyalty.

Get stronger.
Some men intentionally behave this way to destroy their partner's confidence, it may beome a pattern.

Tbh OP once the cat is our the bag so to speak and your OH went down the route of turning to someone outside your relationship for validation things can never be the same again.

You are never going to be able to trust him again.

As always it's the cheated on partner who is left with the heartbreak of a damaged relationship and the agonising decision of how to move forward.

Seems like there is no right or wrong decision. You just need to try to assess whether the damaged relationship is still valuable enough to you to put up with his betrayal of your trust and whether the man you now know he is is worth staying with.

Emotional affairs can be as damaging as physical ones. Because children are involved, I would do a lot more than have a wait-and-see attitude, which would be couple's counseling. The consequences to his previous behavior were minor. I believe that you insisting on counseling will wake him up to the seriousness of the matter.

Perhaps a counselor will be the one who finally gets through to him about how his behavior will be lead to blowing up his life. The counselor will also likely give homework which should strengthen the emotional connection between you and your husband.

You could Google ways couples can keep the spark alive, print it out, and show it to him so you two can regularly make sure you're each putting in effort.

I don't think he doesn’t care for her what he meant was he doesn’t care about having anything with her. He only wants to focus on me. It’s hard because he’s the type of person who just would never do this, it’s so out of character.

But this is the second time he's said this, isn't it? If you're going to get over it, I think you need to work out how you'll feel when it happens a third time, and whether you'll keep forgiving until he really does give her up for good.

@ChicRoseMoose - sorry you're in this position. I have a slightly different take on all this.

DH and I have been together for c. 25 years and in that time I have had occasional passing attractions to other men and twice (about 12 years apart) developed deeper crushes on other men. I think it is quite normal in a long relationship to have occasional attractions to other people. After all, the wedding vow to forsake all others would hardly be necessary if all other people immediately ceased to be attractive. I therefore also do not think that attraction to someone else is a sign that there is something missing in the main love relationship.

For me, one of the main points of commitment is choosing your long-term relationship over your passing attraction to someone else. On both occasions with those deeper attractions, I still felt deep love for my husband. There was no way that I would have acted on the crush - both my crushes were coupled up also and nothing happened in either case - but in any case, I had absolutely no wish to leave my DH for my crush. IME crushes blow themselves out with time. My feelings for my husband are pretty constant - sure we get irritated with each other and very occasionally will have a big row - but mostly I'm really impressed that after 25 years together we can still make each other laugh, have really interesting conversations, enjoy regular sex and generally still get a lot of pleasure and happiness from our connection. For me, that's real love.

So I understand what your husband means when he says he is all in with you and has no wish to do anything with this woman. That is how I felt with my crushes. What is unfortunate is that circumstances caused you to become aware of all this rather than your husband just quietly sorting his head out on this and leaving the crush behind. If your husband is generally loyal, kind, supportive and loving, I think you can get beyond this.

I would probably try to find a way to rebuild friendship with your DH. With 7 month old twins that connection between you would be strained, naturally and that is neither of your faults. Is there a babysitter or family member that can assist while you guys go out and try to get back on track? I think dragging yourselves through counselling is counter productive but you could give that a shot if you think it would help. A genuine conversation where you both talk about what happened and why it happened might help too. Just keep communicating!

Thank you for this response, it’s very helpful. Yes my husband is very kind, thoughtful, loving and loyal generally. This was a complete shock.

He has taken full responsibility, admitted how absurd it is to even feel this way and has constantly told me he loves me and has never ever thought once I’ll leave you. The lies for me are the hardest thing to get by, I had to find a lot of things out myself which isn’t ideal. But yes, I do think it’s worth trying rather than throwing away.

@ChicRoseMoose get yourself off here and onto surviving infidelity. You won’t regret it. It’s much more informed, nuanced and supportive. And to be really clear male excuses for affairs (physical or emotional) are very different to female excuses. So please don’t pay much attention to the idea your marriage in some way forced him to behave like this. That’s ’needs met’ nonsense which is becoming increasingly disproved. Honestly surviving infidelity website will hold your hand in the right way! I’m reconciled for many years, it can work!

But during those crushes, did you "message constantly" to the point that your DH had to ask you to stop, and yet you still continued, as OP's DH did? That's the difference. Crushes are normal, acting on them is the problem

@Yearningallovertheplace - in fact, i shared a 2-person office with one of them so we did chat a lot and it was a while before i truly understood what was happening (even 15+ years later, i remember wondering to myself why i was thinking about this guy so much - and then the truth dawned). That may be what happened with OP’s DH. I struggled with the feelings for a while (whilst knowing that i was fully committed to DH and didn’t want to go anywhere). When a chance came to move to a different room, i jumped at it. The distance helped. It’s now over a decade since we’ve worked together.