Advice needed please feeling insecure

[Shani85]

I was in a relationship for 15 years and had to children to a man who cheated on me and had a porn addiction..i didnt realise til nearer the end of the relationship that he had this addiction until he told me after i found a letter about being locked out of his porn account. I then go curious and looked at his emails one day and found he had also been meeting girls for sex. I ended the relationship. A year later i met a man who is lovely we have been together for 11 years now but we have fallen into this pattern of having sex once then nothing for around 2 months and its causing me so much anxiety. We had a great sex life at the start as you do but the past 2 years its gone downhill alot. When we do have sex its amazing but then it doesnt happen again for around 2 months. Whats happening now is its feeding my insecurities. I start thinking is it because hes watching porn, is he getting it elsewhere, does he hate my body etc. The same pattern happens i address the problem he shouts at me and tells me im crazy we argue dont speak for a few days then we make a pact to work on it but ot always goes back to sex once every couple of months. I told him i need affection to make me feel secure and i dont want it everyday maybe once every week. Weve have had the same arguement now for about 2 years and ive started to hate the way I look even thought about getting a boob job and ive have been going to the gym more to stay in shape. Im 42 and he is 50. We dont live together. The other day i couldnt sleep as i was crying so much so decided to end the relationship but i dont know if thats being immature and crazy. Our relationship is generally really good he ticks alot of my boxes but i need to feel secure in that area because of my past and I just dont. When i bring it up he says he loves me and wants me sexually and he loves my body and im just being crazy but to me its just words. What do I do?

Also just to add up until a couple of years ago he was very touchy feely he loved my bum and would touch me on the bum and pull me in for a kiss and he made me feel wanted and that he fancied me but thats all stopped now and i dont feel like he fancies me at all

I met a man who is lovely...he shouts at me and tells me I'm crazy.

Do I need to say anything else?

Sorry one more thing we spend alot of time together we are like best friends we laugh we enjoy eachothers company we really love eachother so I cant understand why its not working in this area when everything else is good

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Teach your kids as well as you that the only acceptable level of abuse in any relationship is none. You are not and have never been some sort of rehab centre for such badly raised men.

You do not need a boob jobl. You just need to keep your now ex out of your life permanently, a man who chose to shout at you and otherwise call you crazy (he is the crazy shouty one here; not you. He was merely projecting his own self onto you). He targeted you deliberately to abuse you. Such men too hate women, ALL of them.

Truly lovely men do not go around calling their gf or partner crazy or otherwise shout at them.

Men like you describe wreck boundaries and your boundaries, already weakened perhaps by poor life experience and or abuse, were now being further wrecked by this individual. Men like this too can be nice sometimes but this is really the nice part of their nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Stop spending any more time with him as of now. Your relationship with him is over and basically you went from one abusive man to another one. I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme.

Be on your own and make yourself and your kids your number 1 priority.