My ex-H is sending 'threats' through our DD

[CheesecakeAddict]

Hi all

It's been a while since I was here but this forum was a lifeline when I was going through my divorce so I'm back. I'm on the same username as the divorce in case anyone wants the full picture.

Ex-H and I have been divorced now since 2019 due to DV. He has a poor temper but hasn't been physical since the divorce.

Today ex-H was taking DD8 to her swimming class as I had a work event. It has been arranged all week, I told him where to pick her up and left her swimming bag with all her things in with childcare ready for pickup. I told him all this would be the case when he dropped DD off on the Sunday. About 10 mins before the lesson is due to start, I get a string of messages and missed calls saying they won't let him in because he hasn't got her membership card. It's in the bag. He won't answer my calls or texts when I've told him it's in the bag. When DD comes home she tells me he told her that he "hates" me and he's going to "fuck me up".

I know he's just being hotheaded but what do I do from here? I don't think his threats are genuine, but I don't like the fact that he upset DD saying this and she was very worried telling me or that he's modelling this behaviour in front of her over something as tedious as that. Just reaching out to the wisdom of MN.

Get a parenting app to communicate.

Reassure DD.

Sadly not much else you can do unless he sends you hate stuff through text etc (which you should then log with the police).

It doesn't matter what you, the adult thinks. Children can't rationalise adult situations. Your child is now terrified that Daddy will kill or seriously hurt Mummy. This is devastatingly frightening and destabilising for her. Speak to women's aid for advice about moving forward and seek counselling for you both ( you and child)

Sadly he is going to remain just as abusive now you’ve left him. He continuing to try to punish you was always going to happen.

Is contact court ordered?. If not stop sending her to see him. If it is court ordered then seek legal device asap.

I would concur with contacting Women’s Aid as he is yd is indeed using his daughter to get back at you as punishment for you leaving him. In his head he thinks he is the most perfect of specimens.

Luckily she doesn't understand the term so doesn't see it as a threat but she does know it's a very bad word and was upset about it.

I feel so bad wasting women's aid resources when I am not even directly at risk.

You are definitely not wasting Women's Aid resources. I'm sure other posters will tell you the same. If anyone is wasting resources, it's him. If it wasn't for him you wouldn't be on here or asking Wonen's Aid for help. His fault, not yours.

He is using your dd to further abuse you and in turn she. Do contact Womens Aid, they can help you here. Do not think you cannot use them now.

is contact between dd and her father court ordered?.

Yes, it's court ordered

Would you tell her school (I work there in a Safeguarding role so feel really embarrassed)

Personally I’d always advise getting this noted with the police. Because it’s important to have evidence in case things ramp up again. Speaking from 9 years post divorce abuse until he lost parental responsibility (finally).