My boyfriend jokes about my manners when I am being flirty and I can't tell if I'm overreacting.

[Chrysanthemumgrandiflorum]

There’s this recurring thing that by boyfriend does that’s starting to make me feel really weird and, honestly, a bit small afterward.
Whenever we’re out and I’m feeling playful or flirty, I might say something like "Give me a kiss." Instead of just leaning in, he’ll stop and jokingly say, "Is there no 'please'?" or "Where are your manners?" Sometimes he even asks if my parents didn't teach me manners or asks if I’m giving him an "order."

He says it while laughing, so I usually just do that awkward, nervous smile through my teeth because I don't want to be a killjoy. Most of the time he kisses me anyway, but there have been a few times where he actually won't do it because I didn't "ask properly," and he’ll just go back to whatever he was doing. It leaves me standing there feeling like a child who just got disciplined rather than a girlfriend being cute.

I've noticed he does this more when he’s already a bit annoyed about something else. The other day, my phone was dying and the charger was right next to him. I asked him if he could plug it in, and he did the same thing: "What’s the magic word?" or "Is there no please?" He ended up just not helping at all, and I had to get up and do it myself. It's not like I have no manners or order him around, I'm a very polite person generally so it's not like him trying to nicely hint at something. Like from the beginning of our relationship, it was him who would lovingly say now gimme a kiss so it's not outside the bounds of what we consider normal interaction. This started a few months ago (been together for 2 years almost).

I hate this because it feels like I have to earn a kiss or a tiny favor by performing this submissive role and going "pleaseeeee baby." It feels like a parent/child dynamic and, especially in public, it feels borderline humiliating. I have a tendency to overthink, so every time it happens, I tell myself it’s the last time I’ll let it slide, but then I forget until the next time he does it.

I guess what I want to ask is for people who have dealt with this teaching manners dynamic, how do you distinguish between genuine playfulness and something that's meant to make a partner feel small?

Well I think it is behaviour meant to make you look small. It's not loving behaviour, or very pleasant

You say that this is recent change in his behaviour. Are there are any other changes that you have noticed?

Make him now your ex. He’s now showing his true colours towards you 2 years in and this will not improve for you. This is who he really is, he is a very nasty individual underneath.

He’s making you jump through hoops like a performing poodle. This is not a relationship of equals.

It's a type of coercion, it's designed so you change your behaviour and be more submissive by making sure you say please every time. Which of course you absolutely do not need to do. You either need to tell him to pack it in, you're not a child, or tell him to jog on.

Do you live together?

With plugging the phone in, that’s something I’d automatically put a “please” on the end of but wouldn’t blink twice if my partner asked me to do it for him without a please.
But making you say please for a kiss? Get fucked. That’s so weird! After 2 years I wouldn’t even play up to it, I’d say “nah I’m not that desperate for one”.
Has something recently changed in your relationship?
Have you just moved in together? Have either of you recently been promoted/changed jobs?
The power dynamic has shifted and it’s either in his favour or it’s in your favour and he’s clawing back control.
Either way, it doesn’t sound great and will undoubtedly get worse so keep an eye out.

It's a power-play that he enjoys - he's asserting his dominance over you. Maybe next time tell him the magic word is fuck off.

So if you say please when he makes these comments, you get a kiss - is that right? But if you don't he leaves you hanging.

I have two thoughts:

He might have a thing for sexual domination that he is testing to see if you're willing to play along...

Or:

He's been watching Andrew Tate and he's has some newfound warped ideas about how women should be treated.

I assume he always says please and thank you?

I'd be inclined to just tell him to fuck off.

You can't bottle up your feelings anymore. Not fair for you to not enjoy life with him. And he can't read minds. Maybe he is trying to be funny but he has a weird sense of humor. Maybe he's passive aggressive and is irritated about something else within the relationship and this is his way of punishing you.

I have a feeling you don't want to dump him before at least trying to resolve this with communication and see if his behavior improves. I think when you're both mellow you should ask him to sit on the couch with you, hold his hand, and tell him a few things you love about the relationship, but that there's also something you'd like to change. Explain what you've said here about what he's saying and how it makes you feel.

Nobody can argue about how you feel. If he begins attacking your character, saying you're too sensitive and that you can't take a joke, don't back down. Tell him that that's his opinion but it's not your truth, and if he's planning on not stopping his behavior, that you won't be continuing on with a relationship that is regularly upsetting.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

He's trying to control you.

He's positioning himself as the Prize and you as the grateful recipient of his largesse.

This is driven by misogyny. Misogyny like this is very deep rooted, and men generally don't have the will or the tools to root it out.

If you stay with him, you will spend decades of your life miserable and fighting for respect from him. You will become so crushed, you won't even know who you are anymore.

This guy is not OK.

Why on earth are you tolerating being treated like a toddler by a patronising condescending controlling misogynistic wanker?
He’s training you to be submissive and to put you in your place .

Don't waste your life twisting yourself into a pretzel to pacify this twat

Does he say please and thank you to you?

I was a bit like this in my last relationship. I did the ‘joking’ thing and that was genuine messing around.

But later was passive aggressive at times. I was under a lot of pressure, grieving a loss of a parent and was very stressed (which she knew about), but she never offered me support and would regularly add to the stress I was under.
I felt taken for granted as was expected to listen, support and help her with everything and that imbalance was getting to me.

Talk to him.

My parents were extremely strict abouts manners and this has made me very sensitive to people who don't say please/thank you, it seems so rude and disrespectful. I would have said the same regarding the charger thing. I think he's letting you know that he thinks your manners are lacking.

I’d say please if I asked my husband to plug something in for me, and vice Versa, so I’m with him on that, I’d find it rude otherwise. The kiss thing is weird,but maybe he’s fed up with your having a lack of manners, you say you’re very polite but it would not appear to be the case

as usual posters have jumped on the hysteria bandwagon and said he’s nefariously trying to control you. He may be, or he may just have got to the stage he’s really annoyed at your lack of manners so it impacts everything

He’s “putting you in your place” letting you know he’s in charge, he calls the shots. Does he ever just randomly kiss or hug you? If so next time he does it smile and say “technically that was an assault because you didn’t ask so I didn’t consent”. Two can play at his little games. But tbh I would chuck this one back.

I've been thinking about this, "give me a kiss" can very much sound like an order, depending on the tone used. I think that's controlling and demanding, rather than asking.

Throw him back. He is training you to be under his orders.

"how do you distinguish between genuine playfulness and something that's meant to make a partner feel small"

You ask yourself the question - does this make me laugh or does it make me feel small. Then you really listen to your answer and act on it.

You've already told us your answer.

He's for the bin.

If my DP said, 'Could you plug my phone in for me?' in that scenario and didn't say please, I wouldn't think anything of it. He'd almost certainly say thank you when I did, though.
I think asking for a 'please' or saying, 'Where are your manners?' is infantilising and designed to humiliate, though.

^ this, you can ask for things politely without saying please. Your boyfriend is weird and it is making you uncomfortable. Talk to him about it and use the above as an example if you want.

100% - there’s ways of dealing with a situation and speaking to the OP like she’s a toddler who needs educating isn’t about him not liking her manners, it’s condescending and putting her in her place.

If he thinks she needs to say please and thank you then talk to her like an adult not a child - he’s not her parent or school teacher.