Should I break up with boyfriend

[Robinkitty]

I’m constantly swerving between ending things with my boyfriend of 18 months and staying with him.
im 41 and he’s 45. When we first met I wasn’t looking for anything too serious. I wanted someone to fill the gaps when the kids were with their dad. Someone to do fun stuff with although it has always been a committed relationship. He is my boyfriend, we spend Christmas and holidays together, I spend time with his family and vice versa although this doesn’t happen regularly.
it works, now. However lately I’ve been thinking about the future, when the kids grow up and I’ve got more free time. I know he’s happy with the status quo now and think it’s all he needs from a relationship. He’s independent and likes his space.
i think in the future id want more of a partner and not sure he will.
I don’t know whether to end a good thing now for my chances down the line of having what i want.
if I end it, its back to horrible dating sites and i don’t know if I would ever find someone better. I really don’t know what to do.

Maybe worth a conversation about how he visualises his future, if you're just assuming you know what he wants.

Also worth being really honest with yourself whether if he wanted more, is it him you want that with? Is he just Mr Rightnow for you anyway?

With the way you write, it doesn't seem like you're all that into him. I'm sensing he continues to be what you initially sought--some company to fill the void of just puttering around the house. But that a known calmness with him, even as it's a bit vanilla, is better than the chaos of OLD.

But what do you mean by him liking his space? Does he not relish long periods with you, like a whole 3 day weekend spent fully together if that worked out with your schedules? What does he do in his leisure time when you two are not together? Does he have solo hobbies and/or is a homebody? Or does he have a lot of friends and likes to go out a lot with them? Do you just see him on one outing on the weekend? If not, what is the normal pattern of how often you see one another during the week? What is his relationship history? That could be a clue of what could similarly happen with you two, if you see a pattern.

I'll save my advice for when or if you give more info.

My firm belief is, if you have to ask yourself this question the answer is yes!
And the apps aren't horrible and people that are more suited to you do exist. Does it take time to find one? Absolutely. But it is better to find someone who can meet your needs than settle for "potential".
Have a conversation with him, find out what he envisions and if your plans don't align, then move on.

thank you all for replying. I appreciate it:
to answer some questions.
i only tend to see him Saturday evening and I fully get the impression he’s happy for me to leave early Sunday. He has never had a long term relationship, never lived with a woman. Never stayed in the same job for any length (always employed but moves departments etc)
he has a lot of family close by and friends that go and see him, go to the pub for sport etc. he doesn’t have to work hard to socialise as it tends to just happen around him.
He is someone who can spend a long time doing very little.
The trigger for this doubt was a couple of weekends ago, I had my children and he didn’t make the effort to come and see me. I always go to him. I suggested a meet up (lunch) and he was very “yeah sure if you like” so we ended up not seeing each other despite the fact we live very close. If I don’t plan and make the effort then he doesn’t seem to mind not seeing me.

I always go to him. I suggested a meet up (lunch) and he was very “yeah sure if you like” so we ended up not seeing each other despite the fact we live very close. If I don’t plan and make the effort then he doesn’t seem to mind not seeing me.

Ah, yes. I think you should probably end it, I can't see this indifferent attitude being good for you or worth settling for.

If it was right, you'd be too busy being to happy to be asking that question.

From what you are saying, all you would 'lose', even if you never dated again, is something to do on a Saturday night. This 'relationship' isn't worth the emotional energy.

It reads to me like you both went into this knowing it was a pretty casual thing and now you’re looking at wanting something more.

Neither of you are wrong to want what you want but he seems like he’s happy with things to stay as they are and doesn’t want the goalposts moved.

Don't stay with him hoping it will change. There’s no need to end it now but be conscious that this is probably all he ever wants

Yes I agree with everything above.
and I also don’t want to give him an ultimatum so to speak. I know it’s not worth forcing someone to change and make them go against what they want. I need to either accept this is my lot or take a chance, loose him and try and find someone else.
it’s a very sad situation

Tell him this. Ask his opinion watch is reaction. Decide what kind og relationship you want and tell him

You both don’t seem that into each other from what you say. If he’s reached 45 and doesn’t seem bothered about a proper live in relationship he probably never will.

I’m a little detached to be honest about life in general and especially relationships. I do really like him, he is who he is and I’d be happy with about 20% more effort. I could be happy with that..

You've labeled it as a good thing, probably because it sounds like he's kind to you when you're together, but the relationship lacks a special spark and the greater efforts each make when it's the right relationship. So yes, I'd end it now. I know the dating world isn't easy, but there are no shortcuts for something as important as finding a keeper.

I divorced when I was a few years older than you. I found it best to not just stick to one way of dating. I did Meetup.com groups, OLD, took dances lessons in East Coast Swing and Tango. Several friends tried to set me up. Went clubbing with friends. Because you never know where you will meet a good one. It's just about putting yourself out into the world once or twice a week. Several years later, I met my keeper through OLD.

Make sure you've considered all your must-haves and dealbreakers so you can wisely do your vetting in early stages. Don't waste time on waiting around for someone to change if they don't presently meet your needs. Good luck!