Friend ghosted me after second baby

[Kathleen995]

Hi all.

I had a best friend since I was 18. We went to uni together, lived with each other throughout, went travelling after uni and spent much of our 20s together, despite living in different cities in the UK after our mid 20s.

I then moved abroad for two years (we still kept in touch) and shortly after returning to the UK I fell pregnant with my first child. She was never the best at keeping in touch and it was usually me who reached out first, but I wasn't resentful of this necessarily, it's just different communication styles.

I noticed her contact began to drop even further while I was pregnant the first time round. After a few ignored messages over a period of 2 or 3 months, I called her out on this. She ended up coming to stay at my house for a couple of days and apologised (I wasn't expecting this, I was just glad we were seeing each other!). However she didn't provide much reason for the drop off in contact, just said she didn't know what was wrong with her and why she finds it so hard to stay in touch. Things got a bit better after this, and I became pregnant with my second child a couple of years later. We maintained contact throughout my pregnancy (again, usually me reaching out).

I texted her to let her know the baby had been born and she congratulated me, and said she couldn't wait to meet the baby. Then radio silence. So I reached out again a couple of weeks later to ask how she was doing (bearing in mind I had a newborn and toddler at this stage and keeping in touch with people was challenging for me too!). She never responded to the message and I thought, I'm just going to leave this and not follow up and see what happens.

18 months later I've never heard back. We haven't exchanged a single message, she watches my Instagram stories etc but never engages. I'm finding it difficult to understand how this has happened, and if I should reach out? My gut says no, because her silence is enough, but I'm finding this extremely painful – especially as it happened at such a difficult, vulnerable time in my life.

I suppose my question is – should I be reaching out, or leaving her be? I feel the pattern has always been me reaching out first, and her silence is sort of an answer enough in itself. If she wanted to, she would, sort of thing.

Has she had fertility difficulties? I have a smilairish situation with a good friend completely ignoring all contact after I had my 2nd child. However, we'd both had difficulties conceiving a 2nd. She stopped trying several years ago but I carried on with multiple rounds of IVF. She seemed pleased when I told her about the pregnancy but then ghosted me when baby was born.

No fertility issues I know of, no – I think she's on the fence about having kids anyway (we're both 36 this year). I should mention our mothers are friends so I get some occasional updates but nothing of any substance, so I wouldn't know about fertility stuff but she always seems to be off on trips/holidays/gigs etc so has a busy social life (which no longer includes me!)

Given that this friendship seems very important to you, I would message again. Just very light and open. Hi, how are you? What have you been up to? Would be lovely to catch up type message.
It is rubbish of her as a friend but my guess would be either she is having fertility issues, has no interest in having children of her own or listening to stories about anyone else's and feels you're in very different life stages at the moment with little in common. Some of my friends had children when we were in our 20's (at the time having children was nowhere on my radar and I wasn't sure i ever wanted) I unintentionally distanced myself from these friends just because I was totally uninterested in what seemed like their constant baby/motherhood chat and felt like we were on completely different pages of life.

No fertility issues I know of, no – I think she's on the fence about having kids anyway (we're both 36 this year). I should mention our mothers are friends so I get some occasional updates but nothing of any substance, so I wouldn't know about fertility stuff but she always seems to be off on trips/holidays/gigs etc so has a busy social life (which no longer includes me!)

Thank you for your input :) this is what I am flip flopping on – over the last 10 or so years I feel it has consistently been on me to initiate contact and it makes me feel a bit rubbish.

So the one time I don't follow up, she doesn't respond, and it just makes me really not want to reach out as a) I don't really feel like I'm being 'chosen' here (actually the opposite) and b) not only has she shown no interest in my life, despite me showing interest in hers, she clearly has no interest in my children.

I have other friends who are either childfree by choice or struggling to conceive (which I am very sensitive and empathetic towards) and they still manage to show an interest in my life and my kids' lives (no pressure from me on them to do this, by the way!)

On the one hand, I feel sad because it was such a major friendship for so long, but on the other I think, what sort of friend ghosts their best friend? And it's that final point I keep coming back to and wondering if I even want the friendship or if I'm just missing what was.

Surely it doesn't much matter why she's dropped out of touch? It's a friendship which is currently in abeyance. That may change in future, but for now, I'd concentrate your social energies elsewhere. I've certainly had friendships revive after much longer silences.

So painful but I think you have to accept that the friendship is in the past. What I mean is hang on to the good memories but treat her as though she moved away to the other side if the world. That way you keep the good snd don’t mourn the loss as much.

I think your missing what you had over a decade ago, not what you had a few years ago. For whatever reason, she isn't interested. Maybe she's struggling to conceive but if she won't you you can't do anything to help. Maybe you've just grown apart. Either way, she's CHOSEN to ignore you. You need to let go. And I'd be tempted to do a deep clean in Insta etc and get rid of anyone you're no longer in touch with

Friendships change over time. You are both different people to when you first became friends. Having children changes relationships: even if she doesn’t want kids or is struggling to conceive, the dynamics of your friendship has fundamentally altered because you have them and she doesn’t.

putting it bluntly - if she was a real friend, she would make the effort. People I thought were true friends for life disappeared when I had children. Like you, I put a lot of the effort in. I also have friends that are crap at keeping in contact but the difference is when we do get together it’s like we’ve never been apart.

maybe make one last attempt and put it out there if you think it will help you get some closure. Otherwise sadly it’s probably over. Still pretty shit.

Could it be ADHD / RSD? Myself and my DD have it. There’s an unexplainable mental block on sending a message and the longer you leave it the more awkward it gets. I was terrible for this in my 20’s and 30’s but can push through now, though it takes a while to get myself in the right state of mind.

I’d send one more message. If she ignores that then leave it.

I think you need to take the hint OP.

I wouldn't reach out again. You have a busy life with two small children and other friends. Concentrate on the friendships that are truly two-way, it doesn't sound like this friendship ever really was, if it was generally you who made the effort. Accept that the friendship has run it's course and people change.

Is it “ghosting” or just drifting apart? I don’t formally end friendships that don’t feel natural anymore, contact just kind of drifts… is that so unusual?

I also wouldn't reach out again. I had a friend who did very similar. I thought we were such good friends for 15+ years but then she just stopped replying or starting conversations. She was always on her phone so I know she hasn't just missed my messages. So odd. She was such a big part of my life. It's sad but I'm not going to beg to be her friend again.

I think of this as ghosting because I'd literally just had a baby and she said she couldn't wait to meet him, then I never heard from her again! Truly bizarre, but perhaps we had already drifted too far apart and this was the odd way it had to end.

Tbf she did try and let things drift before and you 'called her out' on it.

Now she's seen another opportunity and has taken it.

Some child free types just don't want to do so the friends with little kids thing.

Sorry if I sounded harsh. It’s hard after having a baby and it’s a time you need friends to rally round for support. It doesn’t sound like she was able to for whatever reason, but I hope you have support elsewhere OP. Two kids is hard work, I really struggled with the transition to having 2 so much more than with my first.

Sounds like she’s just not particularly interested in maintaining the friendship any more unfortunately. It happens, peoples lives go in different directions. I don’t think this is particularly uncommon.

This is a strange one and it would drive me crazy not knowing why she had ghosted me. If I were you I would message and say ‘is everything ok? It’s been 18 months bla bla..’ if you were as good friends as you thought you were you would hope she would respond honestly. Not to rebuild anything you had, but just to put a line under through it and move on.

My mindset is that I save my "calling out" behavior to my husband only (not that I have to do so often with him) because I made vows with him.

Friendships are a different animal, whereas it'd be nice to stay friends forever if both choose that path, but a friend doesn't owe you that promise.

I've also made it a practice not to call anybody my best friend, because I know how friendships often evolve, as it's done in your case. So I think you've psychologically burdened yourself by keeping her trapped inside this label which hasn't fit in a long time. You're confused and disappointed because it's like opening a box labeled "treasure," only to find something inane like paperclips.

I do know how you feel, though, especially as I had a super close friend during my junior college years where we were always together on and off campus. And those sorts of friendships before you meet your SO are so intense because you have a lot more time and emotional energy to devote to a friend. But that dynamic usually has an endpoint because you're growing up and experiencing life changes which expand your lives, leaving less time for one another. My friend also withdrew when she moved in with a guy and let her friendships slide. I still sometimes grieve the ending of that closeness, so you will probably always grieve as well, because we are not robots.

But to answer your main question, no, I think you should be done making any effort in reconnecting. What once was will never be again. Keep putting effort only into those who make an equal effort, plus continue trying to form new friendships, since putting all your eggs in one basket doesn't work well in the friendship world where there are too many variables to know how things will go. Take care.

I think your friendship has just naturally fizzled out as your lives have moved on. Don’t read too much into her can’t wait to meet the baby comment, that’s just the kind of stuff you say when someone you know has a baby… I always say stuff like that and have no interest in meeting the babies at all! Just move on op.

@Kathleen995 hrtfp so apologies if this has already been said:
Didn’t it click after say 3 times you took the initiative to reach out that she doesn’t feel the same as you? True friendship, while not suffocating is reciprocal.
I met my best friend at the age of 14. I am slightly older. when we communicate via text, she likes to have the last text in an exchange. That’s her thing. But, and this is the crux; reaching out is reciprocal. When I think of her, she calls or text or when she thinks of me I text or call. It’s uncanny. I have moved countries since we met and I have had two children. We are late 30s just turned 40. Apart from my family of origin, she held my children first. I even have a video of her with my then 6month old dd encouraging her to take her first upright stand as she leaned onto her. She will regularly call just to speak with my children and have conversations with them. She’s married but childless by choice. She has a much younger sister whom I teach Spanish to online. I regularly call her mum as well. We regularly say: “oh I’m so happy for you” when the other has had something nice happen to them.

The point is, from mho: a) true friendship lasts but it’s a result of two people investing the same amount over the course of time and changes, in a mutually understanding manner.
b) it is a rare find.

People grow apart. She has a life that doesn’t involve you and yours that doesn’t interest her at the moment!!! Have you no otter friends? What did you expect her to say when you told her your child was born?

I too usually say congrats (so cute of there is a pic) and look forward to meeting… she said all the right things. Leave her be - don’t make it awkward. She knows how to find you if she wants to make contact - you can then decide if you still want to be friends but for the moment just draw a line underneath it

I would have to message her and ask her WTF has happened. Could she be in an abusive relationship?

You haven't seen her in a long time so you don't know what she has going on in her life. The ghosting probably has more to do with that than anything to do with your relationship. I'd be inclined to continue to send her a text from time to time to try to touch base and if she doesn't reply she doesn't reply.