Can we get the fun back?!

[Stars12]

So my husband and I are spending some alone time together in a couple of weeks and I’m worried….

We have been together 17 years, 3 kids, both work long/unsociable hours and we are stuck in a rut and knackered. Our lives consist of keeping the house going, ferrying kids here there and everywhere and then one of us falling asleep on the sofa the second there’s peace and quiet!

We are booked for a Spa break in a few weeks which will be the first time we have had 24 hours together for YEARS! Now if I was going with a friend I would be so excited- we would chat, laugh, probably drink a few proseccos and sing our way back to the room! But with him…I just think Im going to be bored. Feel like we have nothing in common to chat about except kids. Will probably eat dinner in silence. He doesn’t appear to have much to say to me these days.

Im sure I’m not the only person to feel like this in a long term relationship (I hope). So if this has been you- how did you get the spark back? Any tips for actually having fun while we are away? I want to feel giggly and silly and have fun in his company again.

It might help to have a conversation before you go to set and agree expectations - that this is going to be a time to reconnect during a busy time in your lives. Be explicit, don’t hint or make assumptions, about what you’re looking forward to. It might help for you to build some excitement together before you go. Hope it works out well.

I would start addressing your issues before you go. Your relationship thrives when you tend to it, a one off occasion isn’t going to do that.
Go to bed at the same time, go to bed early twice a week to hang out and chat without phones or the stress of the house in the background, stop falling asleep on the sofa.
Start doing things together now, there’s loads of hobbies got can pick up from home together. Make sure you’re carving out a decent amount of time in your week to hang out, not looking after the kids, not cleaning the house, not doing chores, actually hanging out like you would have when dating.

I agree with @OntheupsoIam, before you go be very clear you need to use this as a time to reconnect, make plans or chat about interests or things you would like to do. You both need to make the effort,
Do you both do any hobbies? Me and Dh each have hobbies we dedicate time to each week and, his is Golf and mine is a performance group and this gives us a seperate element of our lives to chat about
We both also love travel and once a year have a city break just us two so where we want to go next/plans for the upcoming break are key topics

If you WANT to reconnect then there is a way back to it

I agree with @sunsetsites .

OP: you might risk sounding like you want an "on" vs "off" switch for the fun. That you expect him to perform on this occasion so you have a good time.

I don't think that's what you want. But I think you need to put in genuine time to make connection beforehand, and then try to keep it up, just as sunsetsites said.

It is unfair to put 0 effort into your 1:1 relationship 99% of the time, and then book a trip and expect the other person to deliver "fun". Like I said, I don't believe this is what you're doing, but it might read that way to him. Additionally, it is genuinely hard to get the fun back once it's lost, so that's another issue.

Thanks for your responses.
Im really not expecting or wanting this to all be on him to provide the fun. We both absolutely need to make the effort.
I guess I was just looking for hope that other people feel the same way, but can still connect when given the opportunity to.
I feel quite sad about it as he is a great man but wonder more and more recently if we are still meant for each other.

That's not usual @Stars12we have been married for 24 years and can still have a conversation, a laugh and drink too much wine (he may not sing but I likely would!)
We love a weekend away or a night home alone. We have a lovely meal, a few drinks, a bit of a giggle and sex without having to be quiet, or even in bed!
You need to talk before you go.

I don’t think your situation applies to the op as their night away is a rarity so no nights just to themselves having noisy sex around the house, as they have 3 dc. It can be very normal to drift apart when you have very busy lives, children and shift work likely being the final nail the the coffin. Relationships take time and energy to be maintained and sometimes when you are married it seems the lesser priority till you are on your own and have nothing to say to each other.

@Stars12 why don’t you start with baby steps before you go away so it doesn’t feel so intense going away. Could you both maybe go for a walk or just have a little “us” time when the kids have gone to bed, start small , how was your day? And then lead on to taking about your break away? What’s he looking forward to? What are you looking forward to? I hope you have a lovely time.

Thank you for this. There is definitely no noisy sex in random places with our eldest wandering around until gone 10pm and the youngest chattering on the end of the bed at 6.30am!

Trying to connect before we go is definitely a good idea. I think I may be overthinking it all because I really don’t want it to be a disaster. It could signal the beginning of the end if it is!

@Stars12 just try doing little things to reconnect, maybe a chat over a cup of tea when swinging from the chandeliers isn’t possible 😅

Maybe have a chat with him about his you would like to start connecting, not just in the lead up to the break but afterwards. I’ve been in a busy household when my kids were little and I was working full time.

It does seem you are worried though that you are drifting apart?

Personally I’d go. Have some quality time in the spa and pool with maybe a massage/treatment and then have a few drinks to loosen up and just see how it goes. Reminiscing about the past I always find helpful.

Why don't you start building a spark now with effort from you, which hopefully will build enthusiasm from his side and he'll put in his own effort. I'd buy some new lingerie and tease him by telling him something like, "I bought something special I'm going to wear in bed our first night there. Can't wait for you to see it."

I'd also have fun topics ready that don't involve humdrum home life. As said, maybe ask him what would be on his bucket list if money and other barriers didn't exist. And what is also on a doable bucket list for the near future. Ask about his favorite memories from when he was a kid, like a favorite gift he received The most fun he had with a best friend. If he had a favorite teacher and why he/she was his favorite.

You could also do some fun role playing, pretending you're two strangers meeting randomly at the spa.

Who knows? You might start seeing each other in a new light. Do you have any friends you could ever trade babysitting hours with if you don't have relatives around to occasionally babysit so you and your husband can have more frequent date nights?