I'm sorry this is SO long so if you dont want to read a novel today then maybe dont bother with this one. Or if you're up for it, grab a cup of tea and settle down.
Person A (female) and person B (male) met ten years ago. They're from two different countries and met in a third country (lets call it Country C) where A was working and B was studying.
They ended up getting together and having two children. The relationship wasnt really great after the first couple of years (B graduated but was unable to find work due to visa laws in Country C, which made it difficult but not impossible. Would have required hard work and effort to get a job (other people from his country worked hard and managed) but B didnt try or make the effort.)
A and B got married after 2 years together but that was, in all honesty, because the certificate was needed to keep them all together due to being from different countries. A had already realised that if the logistics wouldn't have been too difficult (trying to coparent internationally) then she probably would have left B, but she kept trying to make it work for the kids. A felt this way because of how little B contributed to their life and the stress just made her fall out of love.
A kept them afloat financially 100% with her full time job and often had a part time job too. B didnt really do anything - didnt work (again, not entirely his own fault but didnt make any effort to fix this), no housework, and would cook dinner but only if he felt like it, so often there was no dinner.
The house was always a huge mess because 1) kids and 2) B would be home all day and up late at night making mess. A would work 5 days a week, come home to mess needing to be sorted, and then have to spend 1 whole day of the weekend to do a big clean and all the washing. B would never clean. If REALLY harrassed he might manage one job every several days. (A small one. Like the washing up.)
Often B would take the second weekend day for himself for a hobby which made A even more resentful at working full time and never having real time off. If A ever convinced B to spend the one free weekend day to take the kids out for a family trip, he was often in a foul mood and they argued all day.
A would help B by making CVs and applying for internships and getting him onto professional courses to help him get hired which he didnt follow up on or do, instead remaining unemployed and getting sullen, depressed and angry about it.
B was resentful and angry a lot. Wanted to move home for work but his home country is an asian country where he couldn't support a family of 4. (Earning the equivalent of £100-£200 a month, with A's earning potential similar in that country). Despite knowing he couldn't afford to move the family there, B was very angry and resentful towards A who he blamed for forcing them to remain in Country C. (A said she would be willing to move anywhere if he got a job offer that would provide for the family like hers was doing. For reference, A's job in Country C provided a home, excellent health insurance for the whole family, and free international school education for both children as well as a good salary.)
Eventually B decided he wanted to move home for a while. He could get an internship and eventually job there and then return to A and the kids when he had enough work experience, and use this to get a good job in Country C. That was his official reason, but also in his culture he's cared for by the women of the family (mother, sister, grandmother) and could do his hobby with his childhood friends to his hearts content in his free time with nobody ever asking him to do any chores or anything. So A suspected that had a lot to do with B's desire to return home. His plan was to return in a few months.
When B left it was like a weight had been lifted. A felt happy and free and life just seemed easier. Trying to help and manage a man who was not even willing to do the basics had been exhausting and upsetting and even made her sick. All of this sort of evaporated alongside the stress. A found that it was easier being alone because nobody was letting her down. Even the kids who loved him were happy and settled without the negative atmosphere and stress.
A took the kids to visit B in his hometown and suddenly it was immediately back to stress. A was frustrated and angry that B just wanted to hang out doing his hobby with his friends and put that before spending time with the kids even when they were just there for a short time. They argued a lot. A realised she hated who she was with B, like she became a nag, someone stressed and unhappy and tense. So A finally ended things with B. Just finally snapped after so many years of stress.
B was heartbroken and begged for another chance but A had, as she told him, been literally in tears almost daily, begging him to change, just to help a little, just to do the very bare minimum like keep the house a little bit clean, and he wouldnt even do that. She had totally checked out emotionally, and there was no going back. For her the end felt like freedom. For him, he was gutted and wanted to prove himself. But it was too little too late.
A returned to Country C, to her job, with the kids as they had their whole lives there. She said she would bring the kids to visit B every vacation (long vacations due to international school) and would pay half or even all the price of the ticket for the kids to visit him, or for him to visit Country C whenever he wanted.
B took the end of the relationship very badly and just spent most of his time with no contact towards her or the kids. He never called, wouldn't arrange a time for regular video calls, never discussed visits. Despite now being working he never sent money for the kids. It has been nearly two years since he left to return to his home country and he has only sent about £20 total, which was divided over two payments (so £10 once and then another £10 another time). A always tries to get him to speak with kids but B often will just call once and then not again for ages, or will message and instead of talking about kids, visits, or arranging calls, just asks to get back with A.
To complicate things further, A had considered herself bisexual before they got together but had mostly been with women. She was 100% open about this from the beginning and B knew everything. She had genuinely liked B for who he was, but after the birth of her first child she really started questioning her sexuality and whether she was actually into men. Tried to surpress her feelings for the sake of the family but after the birth of her second, her attraction to men was completely dead and she spent years wrestling with the realisation that she was a lesbian. (Luckily her relationship with B was so stressful and she was so exhausted all the time that the lack of sex wasnt really commented upon much.)
When B left, she realised that staying with him 'for the kids' was wrong because the kids felt much less stressed out of that tense environment. But she wants B to be able to see the kids, and have a good relationship with them.
B knows A doesnt want to be with a man ever again and just wants to be good friends and coparents. But B thinks A should let him live with her (in her home in Country C) so he can see the kids every day. He refuses to even try and get a job in Country C, even though he probably could now. He wont discuss any other options.
A feels that she wishes she were straight because all the reasons she left him were valid, and she feels they were the right decision. She grew up in a house where parents argued and were stressed and as a result suffered from severe anxiety as a teen. When younger, she always vowed to be brave enough to step away from an environment like that for the sake of her future kids and to set up a strong and positive coparenting system instead.
But B isnt really letting that happen and all he wants is to get back together or live together again at the very least.
Because A has come out, she feels she might come across as selfish and like she broke up the family for this reason, when she didnt. She still cares for B and doesnt want him to hurt too much, but cant bear to live with him again after how awful it was! She also wants to do what is best for the children. (Kids too young to know or understand about sexuality yet.) The sexuality is kind of irrelevant but just adds to A's guilt. A and B can chat now as friends but he never stops going back to asking to get back together,never follows through on promises to send money and never does enough for the kids including plan visits. But he blames her for all of this as she ended things.
Any advice?