Wtf do i do... ducks in a row

[FinallySeenTheGasLight]

First time poster, long time lurker. Looking for advice on how to proceed...
This evening I discovered my partner of 11 years has been unfaithful.
2 women, likely more. One for 2.5 years, the other for 1 year. Ive had a gut feeling for months but he has gaslit me. Found a condom in his wallet tonight and waited til he fell asleep to search his phone. Took photos/screenshots of the evidence and have backed these up.
He's even told one of the OW our youngest might not be his!
We have 2 kids, one is almost 4, starting school in Sept and one is 6 months old. We are not married (I know, stupid). We own a home together 50/50. Each own our own car outright. Joint account we pay percentage of wage into (im just entering my last unpaid mat leave month!)
He works full time, my contract is 30 hours and can/willing to increase this if able to.
Where do I begin?! Please help me navigate this and "get my ducks in a row"

Collect all paperwork/ records of your contribution/ ownership re house and utilities. You should qualify for child support and he should contribute to chiid care costs but as you are not married that is about it. You should get legal advice though.
I guess you will either have to sell the house or one buy the other out.
You should go back to separate bank accounts.
I am sorry.
Do you think he will want 50:50 contact with his children?
That is awful him saying he doesn't think one of them is his.

What are your housing circumstances, have you evidence of his salary?

Is he financially supporting your mat leave?

Not being marred doesn’t give you many protections unfortunately - I personally would start dialogue to return to work - he has no obligation to financially support you during maternity leave. Start looking at childcare options. Get the house valued and sit down and do the maths about affordability

oh and the other poster is wrong - he morally should contribute to child care costs but he doesn’t have to. CMS calculators will tell you the minimum he’d be required to pay - he doesn’t have to pay a penny more. If he requests 50/50 child custody then no CMS is due at all (unless he is a very high earner)

do the sums not factoring in CMS if you can - you can’t rely on it - he can easily quit his job and then not pay (like my ex husband)

Does he know you know? I would be tempted to stay quiet until you are back at work

How has he had the time? Where did you think he was when he was with these women?

Go through all paperwork, make sure half of any savings are in your name/account.
What can you do about house can you buy him out or afford your own place when it’s sold?
Decide what you want to do short term about living arrangements.
Go on turn to us benefit calculator and see if you are entitled to anything.
Get proof of his income and see what maintenance you would potentially be entitled to (depending on parental split)
When you do talk to him make sure you feel safe, it could be in a public place or have someone to support.

So sorry OP - this must have been a massive shock!

I’d start with a good list, in a safe place that he can’t access. Some things for the list:

Change your phone passcode.

Check a benefits calculator website to see what support you’d be entitled to on your income alone.

Check the CMS website to see what child support he will need to pay. Be aware that if he is self employed then he may try and hide income to reduce payments.

Check a mortgage affordability calculator, or speak to a broker, to see if you could potentially afford your home on your own, or if not, look at other housing options.

Check out sold house prices on rightmove for your area to get an idea of property value.

Get important documents together (eg paperwork for children, passports, etc), move to a safe place.

Get real life support.

Why is this relevant?

I’m not sure how being married would have helped in this situation tbh, you own 50% of the house , you’re employed and have your own car.
check out one of those websites to see if you’ll be entitled to any benefits and top ups as a single parent .
I don’t think I could wait another month and hold my tongue. Get the ball rolling and get the house on the market

Thanks all. I have no evidence of his salary but I'll try and find some today, and check out the benefits calculator.

We own the house 50/50, cant afford to buy eachother out so will have to sell.

He works a lot all over the country, these women are his colleagues so they hook up at work events, or hes lied and told me hes visiting his friends for the weekend. (I shouldnt have believed that obviously).

I have a good support network of friends and family so will tell them when I feel able to. Also STD test needed asap

Not helpful 🙄

Do you always victim blame?

Wtf is wrong with you.

Just to say, you don’t have to do anything right now. You have time on your side. If he travels a lot, this works in your favour. I would be minded to finish your mat leave and return to work. Get legal advice, all your paperwork in a known place & organised. But you have to decide whether you’d find this ‘easier’ if you dedicate your Mat leave the planning your next move, and wait until you’re earning again to action it (although rtw, and divorce is going to be a big stress) or whether you want to rip the plaster off and start fresh back at work - not that either is an easy option.

If he’s denying responsibility for one child albeit on text, is it worth getting a DNA test on the sly? Not sure on the legalities of that.

If you share laptop/pc, remember to go ‘incognito’ mode every time you’re on there to stop any internet history being shared and him being forewarned about your plans

Knowledge is power.

If you can keep quiet, pretend I'll ess if needed and collect paperwork you will be in a better position. Seek legal advice asap. Once you have all the facts of what your life will look like after a divorce you can make a decision.

I'm so sorry. He is a shit and it's clear he doesn't deserve you!