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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to actually find a decent fella?

18 replies

lauren29283 · 17/03/2026 20:58

Need all the help I can get. 35 and struggling in this dating world

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 17/03/2026 21:15

Small independent music festivals!

FairFuming · 17/03/2026 21:18

Ive found the best way was to work on myself, being happy and content on my own and in a place where I instantly dismiss the red flags has led to thebest relationships. Im the same age as you abd agree there's some walking parades out there but some lovely genuine people too. Just takes thick skin and strong boundaries to sift through the rubbish.

lauren29283 · 17/03/2026 21:18

Beachtastic · 17/03/2026 21:15

Small independent music festivals!

guessing you met yours there haha

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 17/03/2026 22:39

lauren29283 · 17/03/2026 21:18

guessing you met yours there haha

Yes!!!

I often recommend it on here. Can't imagine how soul-destroying online dating must be nowadays 🫣

Find a music scene you enjoy - that narrows things down to people who have the same musical taste as you, which already says a lot.

Go somewhere nice, a lovely spot in the countryside. Avoid the big commercial festivals. Have a look at, I don't know, maybe End of the Road, Shambala, 2000trees, Nozstock, Lost Village... or Google your favourite type of music + "festivals 2026".

So much opportunity to just chat to people and stay if you find things in common, or just move along and get lost in the crowd if not.

Plus, cleaning your teeth in a field at some odd hour in the early morning is a great leveller!

OrlandointheWilderness · 17/03/2026 22:57

Well I met mine on Bumble. He was the first person I matched with, he had an AWFUL profile - 3 photos from years ago, name and age. Literally that was it! I’ve no idea why I swiped, I liked his face. We chatted for a week while I was on holiday then met up for a drink when I got back. The second I met him I relaxed. He felt like coming home in a way. We’ve been together 5 years now, live together and are engaged and he’s my happy place. I’ve never met such a wonderful person, he’s kind, decent, funny and as steady as a rock which balances out my slightly stress nature! I’ve never seen him grumpy or in a bad mood and he is the most thoughtful man. And he looks like a Viking 😂

but I’m afraid you can’t have him!

Crushed23 · 18/03/2026 01:04

Beachtastic · 17/03/2026 21:15

Small independent music festivals!

Or raves!

Met DP at a rave when I was 35. 😊

I found the men on dating apps were 90% dogshit, especially in the 30-40 age bracket. The good, boyfriend-material types had long been snapped up and what was left was utter poo.

Crushed23 · 18/03/2026 01:06

Beachtastic · 17/03/2026 22:39

Yes!!!

I often recommend it on here. Can't imagine how soul-destroying online dating must be nowadays 🫣

Find a music scene you enjoy - that narrows things down to people who have the same musical taste as you, which already says a lot.

Go somewhere nice, a lovely spot in the countryside. Avoid the big commercial festivals. Have a look at, I don't know, maybe End of the Road, Shambala, 2000trees, Nozstock, Lost Village... or Google your favourite type of music + "festivals 2026".

So much opportunity to just chat to people and stay if you find things in common, or just move along and get lost in the crowd if not.

Plus, cleaning your teeth in a field at some odd hour in the early morning is a great leveller!

Edited

OMG Shambhala, Lost Village… are we soul mates? 😍

BabyBaby748392 · 18/03/2026 01:16

I was newly divorced in my 30s so I feel your pain. What happened was I started taking care of myself and not giving a fuck. I started looking at the men I was dating in a "what can HE bring to the table" attitude. Once I respected myself and knew I was a catch, I stopped wasting time on losers and found DH.

Every minute you spend on a less than desirable man or in non-committal bullshit relationship, is a minute wasted and not spent with your soul mate.

Yellowteeth · 18/03/2026 01:39

Don’t bother. Get a puppy instead. Guaranteed to provide you with unconditional love and good company 🐕

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 18/03/2026 04:19

You could check out Burned Haystack for a way to efficiently eliminate the chaff in OLD. I've learned a lot from reading there.

Beachtastic · 18/03/2026 08:55

Crushed23 · 18/03/2026 01:04

Or raves!

Met DP at a rave when I was 35. 😊

I found the men on dating apps were 90% dogshit, especially in the 30-40 age bracket. The good, boyfriend-material types had long been snapped up and what was left was utter poo.

I met mine at a rave when I was 53!!!!!! 😜🥳🥳🥳

Kirridge · 18/03/2026 09:05

I recommend making lots of male friends, via work, hobbies, etc. Just with the intention of being friends. Men have other male friends. It just exposed you to a wider range of 'normal' men so your chances increase. Plus it is nice to have more friends!

In terms of not wasting time, make a list of absolute necessities that your future husband will have/be. Not shallow things like height, looks, riches. But you might have things like:

  • not lazy /pulls weight
  • similar political stance/religious views/social attitudes
  • wants to live in xyz area or country (if this is vital for you)
  • never tells lies (if you don't either!)
As soon as someone you meet deviates at all from your list of absolute must-haves, ditch and move on immediately. Do not waste time hoping they'll change or thinking that behaviour was just a one-off.
Torchout · 18/03/2026 17:35

I have one spare at home. If you dont mind gaming. Not DH but DS1

RockingBeebo · 18/03/2026 20:08

Beachtastic · 17/03/2026 22:39

Yes!!!

I often recommend it on here. Can't imagine how soul-destroying online dating must be nowadays 🫣

Find a music scene you enjoy - that narrows things down to people who have the same musical taste as you, which already says a lot.

Go somewhere nice, a lovely spot in the countryside. Avoid the big commercial festivals. Have a look at, I don't know, maybe End of the Road, Shambala, 2000trees, Nozstock, Lost Village... or Google your favourite type of music + "festivals 2026".

So much opportunity to just chat to people and stay if you find things in common, or just move along and get lost in the crowd if not.

Plus, cleaning your teeth in a field at some odd hour in the early morning is a great leveller!

Edited

I met mine at a small independent music venue too - I was 47, him 50. Absolutely agree with this

Flatbellyfella · 18/03/2026 20:42

If i was 48 years younger I would put myself up for approval .🍷
I wish good luck with your difficult search,

Summerhillsquare · 18/03/2026 21:23

Male dominated hobbies. Someone mentioned shooting on one of these threads before! (Not my idea of fun but hey ho) Cycling, rowing, that kind of thing.

ForTipsyFinch · 18/03/2026 21:35

I’m 35, single 7 years. I can’t see myself meeting anyone, but if I do it will be randomly in person and not via a dating app. I do tend to find dating unfulfilling though so I avoid it.

jamcats · 18/03/2026 21:41

Hmm its not easy to be sure. The apps mostly suck for everyone unless you have a very thick skin and are prepared to have quite a business like approach to it which I find men tend not to like too much. Male dominated hobbies are ok if they actually are your hobbies but I've heard a couple of male friends complain about "older women" i.e. women their age joining their running, climbing club etc looking for a man.

I do think that once your into your mid 30's men your own age on the apps specifically tend to be looking for someone younger not because women their age are old or past it but because it takes the heat off them and lets them take things slower. While they will date women their own age they are still looking at other younger women on the apps, if they get one to bite they will often ghost you.

Going older or younger is an option, often younger won't work out long term but with the right guy it can be fun an a few of my friends are now in pretty serious relationships with guys 8 - 10 years their junior. I personally am not that interested in significantly older or younger men.

My other thought is that there are simply more relationship worthy women than men out there. Many of the relationship orientated guys are settled in their long term relationships to the women they will marry really young like by their early 20's and if you don't happen to gel with one of them in that time frame you are left with guys who might be great but just not as relationship or family orientated and might always leave you feeling a bit anxious and unsettled although some of us seem to like that kind of thing.

My main advice is to focus on your life, doing what you want to do, work on your hobbies, career, health, fitness, goals, friendships and so on and create a life you love. If you feel like dabbling in some dating fine, you can always remain open to meeting someone but making it the focus of your life is soul destroying unless you are very thick skinned indeed.

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