Obsessing about pregnancy when DH doesn’t want more kids

[HangTightHoney]

NC for this, as details may be outing.

Me and DH are mid-30s, together half our lives and have 2 DCs at secondary school. We had them young, worked hard and now have a fairly comfortable life.

I told DH I wanted another baby 4 years ago and he told me he didn’t want any more kids. I was devastated at first, but I got over it. I asked him if he wanted to get the snip, but he said no, so we have used condoms since.

Then 2 years ago we had unprotected sex whilst drunk and I got pregnant. DH wanted me to have an abortion, but it ended in MC at 6 weeks. It was awful, but again, I got over it.

We had unprotected sex (again whilst drunk) this month, and I’m now spiralling into obsession that I might be pregnant.

It happened around the time I usually ovulate, and literally every single time we have had unprotected sex in the past, I have ended up pregnant.

I cannot stop thinking about it and my period isnt even due til Friday/Saturday. I’ve already done 2 tests, ordered more and obsessively googled evap lines, I’m stalking TTC forums I have no place being in, looking at BFPs, BFNs and DPOs and constantly symptom spotting. I feel like I’m going mad cos it’s not even statistically likely we would have conceived, and I will find out soon enough anyway.

So as the title suggests, why am I so obsessed with a potential pregnancy when I know DH won’t want it and I know life would be easier if we didn’t have any more kids? Why does DH have unprotected sex with me when he doesn’t want any more kids? Why do I also do it knowing the potential heartache involved?

Deep down I know why; I still want more. It’s driving me mad. I honestly thought I had gotten over it and made my peace with it all and learned to appreciate the freedom I was gaining as DC’s got older, but I guess I was just suppressing what I really want because it doesn’t align with DH. Plus my friends are starting to have kids, which breaks my heart as much as it fills it up. I also would have loved to do it again with parents our own age.

Don’t really know the point of this post. I’ve buried my head in the sand, ignored the impasse my marriage has reached, been stupid, and now it’s all catching up to me. I suppose I’m looking for any words of wisdom or similar stories to learn from.

If you’re still here, thanks for reading. Let’s hope I’m not pregnant, or I’ll once again be faced with the consequences of my own actions!

every single time we have had unprotected sex in the past, I have ended up pregnant.

How many times have you been pregnant?

Literally only those 3 times, we have otherwise always used contraception.

He’s having unprotected sex because he’s drunk, his inhibitions are lowered. Plus it’s not him that it would affect physically . He may assume he can convince you to get an abortion. Your doing it because your hoping for a happy accident.

Have you considered the implications if you are pregnant? What it may do to your relationship? The impact on your kids, your life etc? I’m not asking to be harsh I’m just concerned you may not get your happy ending from this,

Thank you for replying. And you’re right, it’s that simple I guess, just stupid behaviour all round.

I have considered all that at length and that’s why it’s so hard, because I would do whats best for the life I have now and for everyone else around me, not just what I would like, however painful that might be. I was looking into a termination last time and a lot was going on in the background at that time too. I guess subconsciously I was still naively hoping he will change his mind and want another one, but as DCs get older I can see his point more and more anyway. I am annoyed at myself for being irresponsible and falling down rabbit hole of longing for something that’s not necessary or realistic. Think a lot of it comes from losses I’ve been through that I need to heal from still but doesn’t excuse recklessness. Think it’s got to be better to water your grass instead of thinking it’s somehow going to be greener with more kids maybe! Idk. Best outcome would be getting my period, a coil and some therapy I reckon!

OP reading your posts I can tell your angst on this.

Its his responsibility as well to make sure you do not have to go through the agonizing process of having to terminate, yet again, so perhaps have that conversation again that he needs to protect you from any more emotional and physical harm, as this must have really taken its toll on you the first time round. You seem to be paying a high price here and he gets to drink and be irresponsible towards you. It just does not sit right with me.

Your marriage seems a bit unstable to me. All these drunken encounters etc. is this really a good environment for a new baby where your husband has no interest in having one?

Ooh your story feels so familiar. We also got together young and had secondary school age children by mid 30s. And as you say, all my friends were then having small children. DH didn't want another. I desperately did. I'd always seen myself having a big family. He also worried because of the age gap, if we had 3 I'd want 4. He was probably right. Like you, we always fell pregnant in a blink. And we then had an accidental 3rd pregnancy. It didn't progress and I had a miscarriage around 10/11 weeks. But - it scared me. How awful I felt with it scared me. The reality of not knowing what was to come, all the risks, the large age gap of siblings and cousins. We'd be raising teens along with small child - it just didn't work for us. Soon after dh had a vasectomy. I thought I'd struggle with it more but I didn't. It put it to bed for me. We are now early 40s with late teens. We've been through some stuff in the last few years that I don't know if we would have coped with if we had a small child as well. Our teens need all of us. The decision would have been a selfish one on my behalf. I'm at peace with it. I'm not saying this will be the same for you but maybe the outcome of this situation might make you realise finally one way or another. Wishing you lots of luck!

This is disgusting.

He is the one being reckless and messing around. He needs to put his deeds where his mouth is if he truly wants no more children.

I'm honestly gob - smacked that your partner would rather risk putting you through an abortion than have a vasectomy.

Don’t feel pressured into getting an abortion for others happiness, my OH didn’t want to keep our last baby, my eldest son (11 at the time)was very unhappy about the prospect of a baby too, i couldn’t go through with an abortion, had had one 4 years previously and just couldn’t do it again, i personally wasn’t happy about the pregnancy but knew we would all love her once she was here, i stuck to my guns and she is now 2 and both dad and brother absolutely adore her, (me too obviously) don’t get an abortion to keep other people happy- that includes your children, if it would be detrimental to their wellbeing fair enough but just because they aren’t happy about it isn’t a good enough reason to put yourself through that and the emotional/ mental repercussions of having an abortion you don’t want.

I do think he has absolutely no argument for an abortion if he is that adamant he doesn’t want another child but didn’t learn from the unprotected sex last time.