Married tutor spreading rumours about a made up crush and I need to respond but how?

[whysitmyproblem]

NC for this. This isn’t really a relationship problem but I’m looking for advice on saving face due to someone lying about a crush.

I’m a mature student about to complete my masters degree I’ve worked very hard for two years for. I’m almost twice the age of my peers. There is an objectively handsome married tutor all the youngsters fancy but very much not my type. I thought I’d formed a good professional student /teacher relationship with him but he got the wrong idea and crossed boundaries not in a way that would get him into trouble and it didn’t make me feel too uncomfortable but it was obvious he “liked” me more than the others and certainly more than I liked him. He didn’t make any moves to change the dynamic we have, he was just obviously having a crush. I’m not pretty, I’m happily married with 2 older children, I’m certainly not interested and I’ve never found myself in this situation before so just kept ignoring it and getting on with my thesis.

Anyway he’s embarrassed now that it was obvious and others had noticed his puppy dog behaviour, his mentionitis etc. I tried to maintain a dignified and polite silence on the matter because I didn’t want to make a thing out of something I wasn’t actively involved in. However he’s started telling people it was the other way around and behaving in, in my opinion an unprofessional manner but I can’t prove it to make a complaint. I am going to speak to him directly because I’m sick of the rumours, I’m too old for these playground games. What do I even say?

I just want to keep my head down and get out of here but this wider rumour and negativity could have repercussions on my career. It’s true that an embarrassed man can become very dangerous in obscure ways.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation or at least where someone’s crush has damaged or has potential to damage your professional reputation?

I honestly thought I was beyond all this crap.

I had a similar situation to this several years ago when a colleague's wife suddenly died under tragic circumstances. As the colleague lived very close to me I got in touch to see if there was anything that I could do & to offer a friendly ear. We walked our dogs together a couple of times & I took him some cakes that I'd made. My DH had died suddenly a couple of years previously & I was bringing up our very young son alone. The last thing that I wanted (or needed) was a relationship.

Then he made it clear that he was very interested in me. I said that all I was offering was support & friendship & told him that as his wife had only died a few weeks previously & it was far too early for him to consider getting into another relationship. I said that it was probably best if we didn't meet socially again & gave him details of some local bereavement support groups.

Then another colleague approached me to say that he'd been telling people that I came on to him & that he'd made it clear to me that he wasn't interested.

I was mortified as nothing could have been further from the truth. I told my colleague what really happened & they totally believed me.

I decided not to confront my colleague & carried on behaving in a professional manner towards him, but tended to avoid any contact that wasn't absolutely necessary. My feeling was 'less said soonest mended' & in making a fuss it may just perpetuate the rumours. I felt that it would all blow over which it did.

@namechangeforthisone256 - you are very stoic, I admire your restraint!

Like you OP, I'd be inclined to make clear to him it's come to your attention what he's been saying to (other students/your boss/your peer group) and he must know thats unprofessional and needs to stop.

I'd stress I had no desire to get into any kind of drama, but neither would I tolerate behaviours which could affect my work and reputation.

I'd end on something like: I suggest we draw a line, fresh start and move on as professional colleagues.

Don't get into a debate.
Calm, factual, firm.

Is there anyone you can informally chat to, seek advice and get an independent witness that you've identified this as a potential issue?

You're going to be out of there in about 3 months arnt you? Or less given writing up time.
Id just get out of there. How did you hear the rumours? I would just tinkly laugh and say 'oh don't be silly, if I really liked him I'm shithot in bed and he wouldn't have been able to resist me!'

Completely ignore it. Rise above it all. You have absolutely no idea what anyone is talking about. It's just a fairy tale.

In my case I was in a strong position. I'd worked in the team for about 5 years so they knew me & knew my values, whereas he was a relative new-comer to the team (although had worked in the same company for many years so people had either worked with him or knew about him) & was already on his 3rd marriage, so, I suspect, they felt that he had 'form' as a sleezebag. Having lost my DH about 12 months before & had a small baby, everyone at work knew how distressed I was & how overwhelmed I was still dealing with bereavement & a new baby.

For info, so as not to drip feed, my DH killed himself while I was expecting our DS, so my colleagues had supported me through this & when I returned to work after mat leave (when DS was 3 months old) I think that they probably felt rather protective of me. His wife was murdered by a family member. Can't say more as could be outing.

My colleague told me about his assertions in the context of 'this doesn't sound like you, but I feel you need to know that X is saying <and I quote> 'that you offered to allow him to eat at your 'table', but he didn't like what was on the menu <wink>' & I thought you needed to know.

However, any gossip fades into obscurity if it's not fed - there will soon be someone else to gossip about.

As PP has said, you only have another 3 months or so do deal with this sleezebag.

You could ask for another tutor citing 'differences', but personally I wouldn't bother as he has more to lose than you. I'm certain that you're not the first & won't be the last.

He also met a new woman & married her about 4-5 months after his wife had been murdered. That rather shocked people & confirmed what a Dick he was.

If I had no idea what anyone was talking about I would be beautifully oblivious to it all. People have approached me asking about it. Lots of spill the tea chat from genz - you clearly don’t interact with youth much if you think they don’t thrive on these kinds of rumours and gossip.

I’ve been accepted on a PhD at the same institution in a slightly different field but the same department so while I wouldn’t necessarily have direct involvement with this person it also wouldn’t be so distant to be able to avoid him or his lies.

I do also get annoyed when I’m left with the reputational damage. He’s married with kids so I get to look like the conniving, sneaky scarlet woman while publicly absolving him of any responsibility for the situation he alone has caused/invented.

I found out when peers would come asking me what was going on, and one woman whose husband just left her has stopped speaking to me because of the allegation I’m trying to split up his family. None of it is true but maintaining a dignified silence actually damages me more in the long run I think. People always want to believe the worst.

My partner thinks I ought to speak to the HOD about it but I don’t want a Streisand effect for the rumours either.

As someone who works in a university I would have to say that the absolute last thing you should do it talk to him about this! You need to make a formal complaint

But is there any evidence whatsoever that anyone other than your classmates are talking about this? I couldn't get excited about student gossip.

Who is he telling you were the one who was into him?