How to deal with husbands constant stress?

[littlelegg]

DH is constantly stressed with work. He runs a recruitment agency that he started when we first met 8 years ago. He was stressed then but I thought it was just because the business was new and it would pass. Fast forward 8 years and 2 children the stress just moves from one thing to the next, so I’ve come realise it’s just his personality type. When work is too busy he’s stressed, works too quiet he’s stressed and currently the business is in a bit of financial difficulty so he’s even more stressed. I’ve always tried supporting him as best as I can just by listening, offering possible solutions, encouragement etc but it’s really starting to negatively affect me and the energy in our house. Weekends are often ruined, asking him to take on any responsibility with the children or home life leads to arguments as it’s like he doesn’t have the capacity for anything expect for work. For the last year I’ve often been waking up with anxiety and palpitations because of having to deal with his moods, especially on weekends when I know he’s home all day. Even if he isn’t saying anything you can feel the stress, it’s like a heavy energy but as soon as he’s out of the house everything feels lighter. What do I do? As I feel like nothing I say or do helps anyway.

Having been in a similar situation, I definitely agree that it is personality type. Not just the stress but how a person chooses to deal with stress. Nothing you can do and, really, it's the "throw the whole man away" situation. I know it may not be desirable or practical but it's not up to you to mange his emotions. He needs to do better and he needs to do it himself.
Presumably, you tried to talk to him about how it impacts on you and the children? And then I presume he either promised that it will all get better when XYZ happens or dismissed your feelings entirely as one more cause of stress... Been there, done that... threw the whole man away eventually.

I am going to sound cold and harsh.

DH tried to say to me “park this way”. I said that I would do it my way. He said that it triggers his anxiety. I said “that’s your problem” because I’m a grown woman and I didn’t think that there was anything wrong with the way I was operating.

I have said to him “if you want to be anxious, you can but I don’t and I am not taking on yours”. I’m not doing it.

If DH thinks that I’m going to live my life according to all his little anxieties, he needs his head read. Or a counsellor of some sort.

I’ve had a similar experience and the “work stress” continued through various job roles because it’s not about the job. It’s about the benefits they get from being central, forever in crisis mode and entitled to attention.

My advice, stop listening, stop offering solutions or encouragement because as you know it makes no difference. Somebody who needs this level of support to do their job is not compatible with family life.

I don't have an answer but just want to send empathy. My husband is the same and you're right, it's his personality. Mine lurches from stress to stress, he's taken a step back at work because he was stressed and straight away goes into wanting a new project, like buying a property to fix up, which would of course trigger more stress. I have spent 20 years unpicking his projects, fixing the problems and getting everything calmed down and as soon as everyone / thing is calm again he's back into the next stress-inducing venture, whether it's wanting a new job, or to move house, or to make a bonkers investment...