Intimacy issues

[BrickStork]

so Im in a long distance relationship of almost a year and I find myself struggling when it comes to our intimacy.
my boyfriend is almost 40 and has issues with staying aroused and I can’t help but think it’s a me issue even when he says it’s not. He blames it on being overweight/tired/winded. But yet he does nothing to fix it. So when we do get intimate I get anxious wondering if he’ll finish or lose it mid way. He also has a problem with sensation. He can’t feel it sometimes. I’ve brought up maybe it being a death grip issue so he doesn’t touch himself unless we are together unless we’re occasionally feeling frisky over the phone but even then he loses it. Either way it’s really messing with my confidence and I’m not sure what else I can do.
Hes even said when I’ve went down on him he will just think about how I’ve been down there for so long and feel bad. Which I was taken back because that’s the last thing he should be thinking about. He should be enjoying it but it’s like he can’t just relax and enjoy the moment.

Gross bin him. Porn addict.

so he doesn’t touch himself … but even then he loses it

What makes you think he’s sticking to it?

100%

OP stop wasting your time.

Hi @BrickStork If it's making you feel bad, then you need to move on from this relationship. Sorry. I speak from experience - I ended up committing and marrying someone like this as they were so lovely.. they never got better. It ruined my self esteem for years - please leave him x

Fuck sake.

OP lots of men have issues with maintaining an erection and age and being overweight can absolutely impact. It doesn't mean he's a porn addict or wanking himself stupid night and day. That is the stock response on mumsnet and I'm convinced posters who say that have very little experience of men! What you need to remember is a) it's not personal at all and b) if he's not doing anything about it then it's not going to get better. He can get fitter and healthier and get viagra if he really wants to improve things but he sounds complacent and boring in bed. I wouldn't stick around if he wasn't motivated to change personally.

So, fat lazy bloke who lives miles away and can't keep an erection. Think you know what you need to do OP!

It could be all sorts of medical reasons. Check that base first.

Seven responses so far and no one has questioned if he is gay yet.

This. Why are you with him op? I could never be arsed with a long distance relationship in the first place nevermind with an overweight bloke with ED.

This is what Viagra was made for, is it not?

If you like him in other ways, physical sexual dysfunction isn't a good reason to bin him off, IF he is willing to work on it. So my questions would be:

A) will he consider Viagra, or some other form of help (no shame in it, and it doesn't mean they can't enjoy the intimacy too - it just helps them get hard and stay hard).
B) is he a generous lover in other ways. Does he go down on you, use his hands, whatever else you enjoy....

If sex is all about his cock and his erection, and if he won't do things to at least try to sort it out, then THAT IS a reason to bin him off. But his body not responding in the way he wants it to? Not necessarily his fault.

Since I started the menopause, I have had some occasions when, even tho in my mind I have been really aroused, my body has responded at all. Luckily my partner has responded with sensitivity and kindness and not taken it as a personal rejection (which it isn't). I've had to get my head around the idea of using lubricant, on the odd occasions that happens. In an ideal world I wouldn't have to - but we just try not to make it a big deal! It's not the worst thing ever.....

Oh good grief - the men whom women waste their time/lives on beggars belief!

He's either in the closet, uses sex workers/too much porn/into weird kinks or just has ED.
None of which are the op's problem.
Run for the hills.

Unfortunately he does take those things and they do not work majority of the time.
he seems frustrated but yet doesn’t try to really do anything about it. He says he wants to get healthy but I haven’t seen much of a change. I’ve also asked him to go to the doctor and see if it’s a hormone thing but he’s set on it being his weight.

I just know it causes me anxiety. I’m not the skinniest but I’m also not overweight and what’s crazy is his exes were on the bigger side but it seems like he has some criticism for me in how I look (butt not big enough) or something and sometimes it makes me want to end it but i genuinely love the guy. So im not sure what to do