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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I support my daughter ending a dependent teenage relationship?

9 replies

Manifestsleep · 16/03/2026 22:04

My 18 year old DD has been in a relationship for 15 months. He was the year above her at school and he left last year. He was her first love and whilst they were both at school I think it was great. However, since he left school, his life has shrunk significantly and he has become very dependent on DD.

He was the only one of his friends not to go travelling or to university. He has a full-time job and he works really hard but it is quite an isolating job and, to be honest, his employers are cowboys and it's not going anywhere. He has no real interests - he stopped playing sports when he left school and has never gone back to it. He spends his spare time gaming.

His mental health is also not great. I know he had some significant problems in his late teens and I know that DD worries about him. This is not helped by the fact that his parents seemed to absolve themselves of the responsibility of any parenting when he turned 18. He is a very lost soul.

DD is in the final year of her A'Levels, so about to start exams. She wants to go to uni in September. I think she has come to the realisation that this is not the relationship she wants long term. He's a really lovely boy but to be honest I don't think she respects him and doesn't see a future for them. However she's scared to end it. She doesn't know how and she's worried about the impact this will have on him. He doesn't have anyone else and she is so weighed down by the responsibility and is upset by the thought of hurting him.

How do I support her through this? I've told her it's like ripping a plaster and that it will hurt both of them but it will get better in time. What else can I do?

OP posts:
Arregaithel · 16/03/2026 22:19

Your sole role is to support your daughter, in however she perceives the relationship.

He is of no concern, (as harsh as that may sound) for you, he has a Mum/Dad to support him.

It's not really like ripping off a plaster, is it @Manifestsleep?

He may be a lost soul, but do not perpetuate the patriarchy, she sees no future for them, that, in itself is enough for her to move on.

Don't paralyse her because you feel sorry for him.

JehovasFitness · 16/03/2026 22:38

I agree with PP, entirely. Sounds like a mature decision on her part.

Peclet · 16/03/2026 22:42

Alls fair in love and war

she sounds compassionate. But help her stand her ground and make her decision and support that.

that’s it.

Manifestsleep · 16/03/2026 22:43

Arregaithel

Thanks for the response although I think you're being harsh. My daughter perceives the relationship as I have detailed which is what makes it so difficult for her. He doesn't have a mum and dad to support him so she does feel a greater sense of responsibility, despite me telling her he is not her responsibility.

I don't see why it's not like ripping of a plaster. Yes it will hurt short term, for both of them, but it will feel better soon.

Not entirely sure what this has to do with the patriarchy either. This situation could play just as easily for my DS and his girlfriend as DD and her boyfriend.

OP posts:
fartoomuchtoblerone · 16/03/2026 22:46

I don’t get the PP’s responses. OP wants to help support her daughter to end the relationship, not stay in it.

I don’t think there’s an awful lot more you can do OP than be a sounding board and keep reinforcing the message that she needs to do what’s right for her.

Arregaithel · 17/03/2026 07:28

@Manifestsleep I do apologise, I completely misread your op 😔

JaneBirkenstocks · 17/03/2026 07:42

If she can't bring herself to just rip off the plaster then her exams are the perfect excuse to start cooling things off. Encourage him to take up sport again now the evenings are lighter and she's studying. Visit a friend at uni. Meet up with those who've returned from travelling. Start looking for another job now he's got experience - well done him for getting a job in this market and being a grafter

Also, you never know, his parents might step up when they see their lad upset.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/03/2026 10:09

She should end it kindly and say it’s not working for her but she wishes him the best and lots of happiness. She should avoid a list of reasons of things wrong with him as (from experience) this hurts someone’s self esteem so much and they internalize those criticisms for years. If she wants to do him a kindness a gentle nudge towards doing things he enjoys and restarting his hobbies/going to visit his best friends might be helpful .

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 17/03/2026 10:55

"she's scared to end it. She doesn't know how and she's worried about the impact this will have on him. He doesn't have anyone else and she is so weighed down by the responsibility and is upset by the thought of hurting him."

She's not doing him any favours by not ripping off the bandaid. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, because that is how self-esteem and happiness are built. Letting him hang off her is enabling him, and not helping him.

My DD had a somewhat similar situation: had a BF in high school, and he was from a shitty family - father is a rough selfish brute who beat up and humiliated all the kids and mother is traumatised and silent and has little left to give her children. BF was spinning his wheels, deeply depressed, working in shit jobs or for charity, getting nowhere and really struggling. Nonetheless, my DD sat him down when she finished school and told him she was going to Berlin to study after a gap year spent traveling solo and that she wanted to be free to do that. That she didn't want a LDR or to be tied down in a relationship. But that she loved him, that the time she had spent with him would always be precious to her, and that she would always be his friend.

He accepted it gracefully. They are still friends, now 7 years later. She checks in on him from time to time and he visits when she comes to our place. Sadly, he's still struggling, although the last time he seemed steadier. He's a lovely gentle kind person, but he has to find his own North: no one can do that for him and trying to do that would actually be unkind to him.

I'm not sure if compassion is holding your daughter back or if it's codependency. My daughter realised that she was actually quite codependent with BF and she had a codependent mindset towards her friends as well. It helped her to read "Nice Girl Syndrome" by Beverley Engel. Codependency is strongly socialised into women.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/codependency

Codependency

Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic in which one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, “the taker.” The bond in question is not necessarily romantic; though the te...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/codependency

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