DH’s burnout / life overhaul - relationship has changed

[MintoTime]

Over the past year DH has - for very good reasons - completely overhauled his entire lifestyle. He has:

Given up alcohol and doesn’t really want go to pubs / out with friends
Lost 20kg and eating very healthily
Researches and now takes a wide range of supplements.
Working with a personal trainer and goes to the gym daily.
Binned most of his wardrobe and bought new
Gone down to part time at work and likely to stay there.
Started seeing a psychologist weekly.
Follows up assiduously on every health niggle - currently seeing about 4 different specialists.
Goes to bed at 9pm every night, gets up at 6am.

He doesn’t do things by halves, never has, which is probably why he ended up in such a bad burnout / depression in the first place - he really did need to make a huge change.

But it’s had a big, mostly unacknowledged, impact on my life too - it’s like living with a different person. I can’t say he’s any happier - he’s still on anti depressants, still very aggrieved about his work situation - and I’m still walking on eggshells around him a bit. Health / diets / weight loss / gym seems to be all he talks about these days. Talking about work just makes him upset. Friends, it feels like I’m the only person he wants to be around - and our families. He used to be really sociable but tbh I mostly go out with my friends alone now and he goes to the gym / stays home / goes to bed early.

It all feels very new. Has anyone out there been through this ? I feel a bit adrift - not quite sure where things will settle.

He sounds quite obsessive OP - has he swapped one set of obsessions for another?
His life sounds quite regimented e.g. the bedtimes etc. Does he expect you to stick to the same routine as him?
What does he say when you suggest going out and being sociable? I think you’re right and that he’s potentially still depressed.
Does he acknowledge the impact it had on you and see you having any counselling or therapy?

If he only wants to spend time with you and you feel like you're walking on eggshells that's a lot of pressure. You've said he doesn't acknowledge the impact on you - have you raised it with him? If you feel that you can't and that you're walking on eggshells that's really not a good sign. My ex-partner went through a major life change, prompted by a mental health crisis, and it made him very self-centred and difficult for a long time, so I empathise with you. I wish I hadn't stayed in my relationship for as long as I did.

How do you feel about him and the relationship? Do you feel like you have a voice? Is he wanting you to get on board with his health drive rather than supporting you with your own plans?

If he's focused on self-development would he consider couples counselling? Or maybe therapy for you by yourself would be more beneficial. Why should he be the one who sucks up all the oxygen in the room?

My ex was also a never do things by halves kind of person, which made him attractive in a driven and dynamic kind of way, for me at least. But he was very dominant and it felt like there was little space for me. His life overhaul didn't make him a better partner, in fact he was a worse partner in many ways - do you feel like your partner is a good partner for you, and if he's not currently being a good partner would he care about that?

Personally I’d love it if my husband did that but this is not about me 😀
It sounds like he has just put the same emotions and stress into another place.
No good being healthy and fit if you have the same level of stress.

Would it help to maybe see a therapist together or try and approach it from the point of view that a holistic approach to health includes social and emotional wellbeing as well?

It is great that he cares about his health but stress, unhappiness and loneliness take as many years off a person's life as smoking so if he understood this he may be willing to loosen up on his very regimented and joyless routine.

How old is he?

My first take is that he is spending a lot but only working part time. Is he covering his share of the house expenses before spending on his new health kick?

If yes, and everything else home wise is equal, then I agree with pp and see if he would agree to joint counselling. You can't spend your life walking on eggshells otherwise your own health will implode.

That's hard and almost suffocating. Where are your needs in all this?

Surely the change he should be making is a different job he likes instead of part-time at one he hates?

It sounds incredibly boring for everyone else. Is it actually making him happier?

He has made many positive changes - except:

• Gone down to part time at work and likely to stay there. Why this instead of trying to find a more rewarding job? Why and how is he “aggrieved by his work situation”? How is this affecting family finances? Why does he have no plans to return to full time work?
• Follows up assiduously on every health niggle - currently seeing about 4 different specialists. Are these really just niggles? What have these specialists told him - what investigations has he had? And how old is he? Does he have relatives who suffered from the ailments that are troubling him?
• He used to be really sociable but tbh I mostly go out with my friends alone now and he goes to the gym / stays home / goes to bed early. This is perhaps most troubling as it suggests that he is withdrawing from life.Does he have any interests or hobbies apart from fitness and ‘living healthy’?

What prompted the radical overhaul of his entire life? What were the deep dissatisfactions with his previous life? Why was and is he still on antidepressants? What books did he read and which ‘influencers’ is he following? What issues is he discussing with his psychologist and are there any signs that these weekly sessions are helping him? Do the two of you talk about all this?

Lots of questions….

He’s swapped one obsession for another. He needs to acknowledge the pressure he’s bringing into the marriage.

A friend of mine had this with her husband, he was very depressed, hated his job and got very into health as a way to cope. A low was when they had a day out at the seaside for her birthday and he sulked in the car most of the day because there was no healthy food he could eat, she had a bag of fish and chips on the front by herself. Then they left early because he wanted to get home to go to the gym.

It did improve a bit when they had children and he had to learn to be less rigid but he is still prone to that kind of behaviour over different fads and she struggles to cope with it.

From my own point of view I'm peri menopausal now and I am more ridged as a person now about my routines. I don't drink anymore, don't eat too late or the wrong things, prioritise sleep and the things that help me sleep! I am not sure I'm happier than I was before but I am doing what I can to stay normal and functional if I let things slip it gets very bad very quickly if I can't sleep well. I am sure DH misses the wife who would join him in a glass of wine and a late night bag of crisps and who could be a bit more flexible in her ways but he's also seen the consequences of poor sleep in me.

I don't know maybe he feels like doing all he is doing is the only way he can stay where he is and not get even worse?

I'm interested in quite what the weekly trip to the psychologist is achieving ?
What problems does he talk through? What good is it doing? If it is a qualified clinical psychologist it will be extremely expensive. As below I would suggest couple counselling as there are clearly relationship issues that may be solvable by talking them through.

I would hazard a guess that his mental health is suffering. I have been up and down with depression but the only way I can lift my mood is through exercise and feeling like I'm prioritising my health. I'm very extroverted so when I'm stressed I decline all social gatherings, retreat into my own bubble and reset. I dont rely on DH to help though I just need space from others. I think if it's been going on for a long time and impacting your well being then you need to bring it up.

Oops that was supposed to say introverted in pp. Lol.

thank you all. I think there’s something useful in all the posts.

So I did bring it up again and we’ve talked a lot (more). He seems to have turned a corner recently - maybe it’s the anti-depressants finally kicking in (he’s been taking them for a couple of months and hadn’t noticed a huge difference) or spring / sunlight (he’s always been down in the winter), but he seems more steady on his feet. Less fragile. So I’m not walking on eggshells so much. It turned out that his personal trainer was also concerned about him being too rigid about diet and exercise, so she’s given him a bit of a talking to, basically reassuring him that he’s not just going to fall back into bad habits if he has a ‘treat’ now and then.

he was referred to the psychologist by his GP specifically for burnout in the first instance, and now for CBT and counselling. (We aren’t in the UK, so not NHS. We do pay but it’s affordable) It’s exactly what he needs. His burnout was partly due to poor management at work, but also due to his inability to have boundaries and say no when asked to take on extra. He says it has helped him deal with the anger that he feels towards his manager / former managers for. That’s an issue specific to DH - unable to say no, ends up saying yes when he should say no, gets overwhelmed, gets angry at the other person for asking in the first place. He’s been able to accept his own role in this pattern, and to understand how boundaries should work.

leaving the job isn’t an option. we have two kids in school here, exam years, and there are no similar jobs locally - we are stuck here for a few more years unf. Financially I think it’s going to be ok. We are in France - benefits are quite generous here including for invalidity. He does have a medical condition that is not going to get better and which does limit how much he can work, though this has only recently been confirmed. Really this is what has pushed him to sort his life and head out as trying to do everything for everyone finally became too much. He’s 57, has been working since he was 15, so he’s looking towards retirement - the earlier the better, for sure.

he absolutely is a good partner. He’s still kind, considerate, supportive of me. But his life had to change and that’s been unsettling for me.

so I’m cautiously optimistic that he’s going to be okay, and we will both adjust to this. In fact he suggested going for a walk and to the pub this afternoon, and has been contacting his own friends to meet up.

Any chance he is autistic?