How do you and your partner split chores and baby care?

[redvelvet7]

Hi, just looking for some perspective really as I have a 7 month baby and am on maternity leave for a few more months but think my partner judges me too harshly. Can you share please how your responsibilities compare on things like cleaning, admin, cooking, laundry, taking care of baby etc and the typical state of your house as well. Also whether you get much free time to yourself

I had a difficult birth then a reflux bad sleeper baby plus an emergency section so at first my husband did all the chores and cooking. We split the night feeds right away as kiddo hardly slept and had such a bad tongue tie I can't breastfeed, so we'd fo half night shifts to get some meagre sleep.

He always took the baby when he finishes work so I can cook and do some chores etc, as he had respite from child care at work and I needed that too, we both were constantly "working" in those early days either caring for kiddo, at work or doing chores. He actually began covering more nights as he has a sedentary job whereas I'm driving about with our son and active alot of the day and he saw how tired I was getting. That was when he was about ten months plus and walking.

We never had this idea that because he was at work he somehow had it harder than me, he knew how tired I was, how thankless and sometimes lonely it can be, how exhausting and emotional to be post partum is too. I was nap trapped til my son was 10 months too during the day as he wouldn't sleep in his cot so got nothing done.

Forgot to say house was pretty tidy and clean but that was because we did it in the evenings, husband d does as much as me as its our mess and our child's mess so belongs to all! Free time we didn't hv a set thing, I'd one of us needed a break we'd just say and hv one while the other picks up the slack briefly.

Right from day 1 Dh was hands on, so night feeds, I breastfed, he did the nappy change etc. Once we moved onto bottle feeding we shared the responsibility.

Every Saturday for years he had a lie in until a set time and every Sunday I had a lie in to the same time. That meant he had to figure out how to get things done, a simple toilet visit, making himself a drink etc with a child, solo parenting. He never came and woke me to look after Ds whilst he went for a poo. I didn't have anyone to hand Ds over to during the day.

Basically whilst he was at work I got as much done as possible but again right from him going back to work I had a breakfast made for me and a cup of tea in the morning and when he made his lunch for work he made me one too so no matter how badly the day was going I could still eat.

When he was home we were 50/50. You are meant to be a team working toward a goal. He also took Ds out with him if he went to the shops, after all I had to do that on maternity leave (I was off for a year then part time) so he spent one on one time with him. Same when Ds2 arrived. The lie ins and taking one child with him and alternating which child.

What helps is talking about what things you can both put in place to make things run more smoothly if it isn't going well. And if looking after a baby is so fucking easy he can take a couple of days off work and solo parent, relaxing whilst doing it and you can have a break too.

Your body is recovering from growing a human inside you. I hope that he does do solo parenting of his child for extended periods of time. Dh has a brilliant relationship with our sons because he put time and effort in.

Me and my partner have a 9 month old baby, and I’m still on mat leave and will be until baby turns 1. My partner fully understands that looking after the baby is my priority and is pretty much a full time job in itself. The first few months of having our baby we both felt like we had so little downtime, they definitely keep you busy! Some days whilst he was at work I would barely find time to make myself lunch, and it could be very stressful being responsible for a tiny human. Things have got so much easier as the baby has got older, but my partner still has no expectation that I will do lots of housework etc. When we both worked full time we split everything equally and did it at weekends and that’s not really changed. The exception is that I do try to take full responsibility for all the babies laundry, and I do the majority of the planning and prepping of all baby’s meals now that they’re on solids. But my partner has cooked dinner for me and him pretty much every night since baby was born, so he takes charge of the planning and prepping of almost all out meals. He gets home from work, plays with the baby, we do all the bath and bedtime routine together then he cooks our dinner while I put the baby to sleep (baby is breastfeeding and only feeds to sleep so that part is all on me which is fine). He also gives the baby breakfast every morning and clears that up before going to work, so that I always have time for a shower and get myself ready while he looks after the baby.

Doing some housework is a little easier now that the baby wants to sit and “help” me hang up washing, watch me cook their meals while holding a whisk etc! But there is no way I would be doing things like getting the hoover out or attempting to clean the bathroom. My days are so busy going to baby classes, playing with baby, making sure baby is well fed, and as a previous poster said my baby also only contact naps still, unless in the pram/car, so I also spend a chunk of my day nap trapped on the couch. But my partner knows that can’t be helped right now if we want the baby to get decent naps.

Regarding free time, I know everyone is different but I honestly didn’t feel like I could leave the baby for more than an hour or so until they were about 7 months old due to breastfeeding, plus I just didn’t want to be away from her. When I was finally feeling ready, I told my partner I needed a few hours to myself at the weekend so for the past few weeks we always discuss and work it out between us who gets their “me” time when. My partner has a season ticket to football so his time is generally going to a match every couple of weeks for a few hours. When I get my time sometimes I go out and do things but sometimes I ask my partner to take the baby out for a few hours so that I can just have the house to myself.

I’m so glad my partner understands the reality of being on maternity leave and looking after a baby full time. Most importantly, I’m so glad he absolutely adores spending time with our little one so nothing is ever a chore for him when it comes to looking after the baby.

I’m maternity leave with a baby and 4 year old. Husband works full time. I do all the cleaning, laundry, admin etc and most of the childcare. When I say most, he helps with bedtime IF he’s home on time and I’ll then go to the gym once they’re both asleep.

I honestly don’t ‘split’ anything.

And I say that as someone who currently works part time (12-15 hours a week remotely) earning a fraction of what DH earns and is generally at home

he gets up early and will unload the dishwasher
i will probably put the breakfast things away so they aren’t manky

but if I am looking after a baby or a baby + older kids, I’m doing fuck all around the house. Childcare is my job. Not making a show home.

I try and do what I can as I go of course, but if it’s not done- I am not ‘judged’. It’s not my job.

he’ll cook probably 3 nights in 7, and we share it at the weekend

if jobs need to be done when he finishes work, he just does them? We work together.

cleaner comes for a deep clean once a month so nothing ever gets too gross

we both get to the gym 3 times a week too, solo. I’ll go on a girls night once a month.

ultimately though- my husband wants me to have a chill nice life. He’s not trying to run me into the ground or point score because ‘he earns the money’