Newly realised I am lesbian but unsure about girlfriend and communication

[LuLu345678]

I feel like I’m in such a mess right now. I’m Waiting for therapy but in the meantime I don’t really have anyone to talk to so wondered if someone could help? Especially if they’ve been in a similar situation please.

I have dated men my whole life, I then randomly decided to change my settings on dating apps to women. I hadn’t previously had thoughts (consciously) about women. I didn’t give myself time to realise and process what this meant, I was just going into it with, I wanna sleep with a woman to try it and then go back to men mindset.

Well I did this and met my now gf very quickly and fell in love quickly. We have been together almost a year. This was never what I expected to happen. It’s been a whirlwind. I had to come out to friends quickly for the relationship to progress and I probably did it sooner than I was ready to tbh.

Over the last few months I have been questioning everything and I have just realised I’m a lesbian. Always have been, but just didn’t realise. I’m finding this very hard to come to terms with (I suspect I have absorbed a lot of internalised homophobia over the years). I am starting therapy to hopefully work on this.

I’m having a tough time with my gf. I feel like the honeymoon phase is now over. I have never felt love or connection like this. My previous relationships with men practically look like friendships in comparison. Because of that, it feels like my first relationship ever so there has been a lot of challenges for me internally on top of the gay stuff.

I am struggling to know whether to leave. I’m worried I’m making excuses to leave because I’m struggling to accept being a lesbian. I don’t know if it’s the right relationship for me.

I know she loves me in her way. She is super reliable and wants to spend lots of time with me. We have fun together, she is really established in the local queer community so has exposed me to this which has been great as I have no queer friends. She knows about the coolest events and we have a lot in common, shared values and interests. The sex is great too.

However, she never talks about her feelings. She gets annoyed if I ask her if she is okay sometimes. She does not deal with emotions well. She does not reassure me. She complains that I want to understand everything about her. I do, as much as possible, because I love her. For example I asked her how she feels most loved , to work out her love language. She wouldn’t even answer and said it was bs.

She has depression and perhaps flat effect. But she won’t go to therapy or the drs to get antidepressants.

Recently I was due to meet some of her family. And I said how I was so looking forward to it, I asked her if she was too, she shrugged. This was in front of her friend. I looked upset and the friend was the one who comforted me and was saying how great I was and how I was different to all her other gfs. This friend barley knows me btw.

The same night she complained to another of her friends about me being nervous to meet her family. The friend stuck up for me and started singing my praises. It hit me like why are her friends being nicer to me than she is?

I’m worried she wants a relationship where you go out and have fun together, but don’t actually have to do any of the harder stuff like supporting each other. When I reach out for support she just says somethings but says sorry I’m not much help. I have told her about a couple of things that have happened in my past (like illness and family issues that have been traumatic for me) and she hasn’t really responded meaningfully or asked about my feelings about things. She doesn’t ask or show interest in these things or my inner world generally.

I suppose because this is my first proper relationship I am learning what is important to me. I think I really value open communication and feeling seen and validated. I’m not sure if she is interested. She gets annoyed with me when I try to have deeper chats or even if I ask her how she’s feeling too much.

I’m really struggling with coming out to my family. I don’t know if it’s because deep down the relationship isn’t right or if this is just an excuse because I’m so scared to come out to my family? I’m so confused I feel like there is just too much going on. I feel like I’m so unhappy and stuck in limbo. Any perspective or advice would be amazing please 🙏

It sounds like she doesn't want to be psychoanalysed by you? If you're regularly asking for deep dives into her emotions then I can see why it would get her back up. You might like talking about feeling and going over love languages and expressing every emotion - others do not enjoy or feel the need to. It doesn't mean they don't care about you. The way you write though is quite transactional. She can provide you with an entrance to the queer community and that is useful to you - do you actually value her for her? It does sound like you've got a lot to process and if your personal issues with being gay are presented to her then she's probably feeling weirdly judged by you. It might be that this relationship has just run its course.

Did you have conversations of this type with your previous boyfriends? It’s unclear why you think this relationship is so much deeper than those ones, if your DP isn’t really connecting emotionally. Perhaps just because it has helped you understand this new part of yourself?
Ask yourself for an honest answer to the question: do you want to stay with her for the community more than you want to stay with her for herself?

I'm also a lesbian and I dont think that this is about your sexuality necessarily - it sounds like she just isn't the right person for you. It sounds like she just wants something light and fun and doesnt want to get too deep. You might be the kind of person who likes to talk deeply and understand people well, I am like this too and there's nothing wrong with that. You just need to be with someone who can do this too. And someone who is a bit more sensitive all-round. I dont think I could be with someone like her, she sounds a little cold. Especially if you have only just realised you are gay, you maybe need a person with a bit more depth and emotional intelligence to help you navigate it. She doesnt sound like a good fit.

I don’t think this is about your sexuality either. Your relationship is transitioning from the honeymoon period to longer term and she probably isn’t interested in the deep stuff. You likely work as something casual but if she won’t open up to you or support you she might not want to, or be capable of more. Some people aren’t. I do think I’m fairly emotionally open but love language always sounds a bit vomit inducing. I know mine is acts of service but I hate the terminology,
it’s so twee and lacks nuance.
Ultimately you have a choice to make. Is this how you want to live, or do you put this down to experience and move on, I doubt she’ll change.

I agree 100% with @Everynamehasgone99

It's your first lesbian girlfriend @LuLu345678 , of course it'll feel special, but likely it's not 'the one' and it might take a few more tries to find your perfect partner. Don't rush it and just give yourself time.

You are a lesbian in the wrong relationship.

You’re not compatible and the relationship isn’t working. You’re overthinking this. You’ve fallen into the trap of thinking this woman has to be ‘the one’ because she was your first lesbian partner and you feel like it would undermine your coming out as gay if you split - but it won’t. She isn’t the right woman for you, and the sooner you end this relationship the sooner you’ll find a woman who is.