What to do about my mother...

[Disco2022]

I have posted before but not for a while. My mother is alcoholic/anorexic lives in a small village in France, she had a hard life a consequently was not the best of mothers when we needed her, often drunk/suicidal we had social services out at times. My younger siblings no longer speak to her. I don't really do cutting people out, and I feel like I mourned her many years ago so I've always stayed in touch. Went to see her fairly regularly, but not in the last two years as I've been pregnant/with small baby and she smokes in the house constantly.
The last year she's been deteriorating, smoking and drinking more, not getting out of bed, not eating, increasingly confused when I speak to her.
The last week she won't answer the phone. She's answered once and put the phone under the duvet and said "go away in trying to sleep" (on a video call that's how I could see that!)
A few months ago age was admitted to hospital and because she wasn't drinking or smoking and was on a drip was getting remarkably better but she discharged herself and got right back on the drink.
So I just don't know what to do. I feel like maybe I should go and see her, she must be close to dying the way she is drinking/not eating. But my baby is only 8 months, still breastfed so I can't leave her. (Don't want to) I also have an 8 year old son who I don't want to see her like that, and I kind of don't want to teach him the same alcoholic saviour routine that I seem to have embedded in my personality.
It would cost 600 pound just for the boat and another 400 to get somewhere to stay and so whilst the baby is small we're a one income family and I just can't justify it. She has the money to pay for us to go over but hasn't offered.
It feels like if I don't go I'm I'm leaving her there to die alone but if I do go that I'm dragging my family over there and probably re-traumatising myself as she's normally fairly awful when I see her.
I had decided last night that we wouldn't go. We're supposed to be decorating the play room in the Easter hols, I feel like I would be taking too much from my family to take the money and time that we would do that to go see a woman who will probably be mean to us.
Anyway could get a bit rambling here. All thoughts welcome.

You know the answer, no good will come of it, let her go. If you need to do something to ease your conscience send her a message telling her to let you know if she wants to see you.

I think you need to prioritise your children and yourself, I know there will be feelings of guilt even though there really shouldn’t be , try and maintain phone contact you can’t control or cure her addiction

My mother died 9 weeks ago. If I could have her back I would go and see her every possible opportunity I could. Much more than I did.
All the material things in the world mean nothing. It's people you love. You think you have more time. Until you don't and then you can't ever see them again. The finality of that is profound. Your mum sounds incredibly depressed and lonely. It sounds like she has made lots of mistakes but lots of people do. Forgive her if you can. Some people struggle more with life and how to live it. If you go to see her, let her spend time with your children, and see how you can help, you'll be so glad you did, as hard as it might be. If you don't go and something happens, you might live with deep regret for a long time.

Be brave - go and see her, awful as it will be.
Take the baby as you can’t do anything else.

You will regret not going when she dies from your post.

Can you ask her for the money so you can visit. Tell her you'd like to come and see her but you really can't afford to, could she possibly send you the money. She may be really keen to see her new grandchild too and that may give her the lift she needs but that's up to you of course. Tell her you'll all need to come as you can't leave baby. Be honest with her that you can't have the baby in the house with the smoke but maybe if she feels up to it you could spend some time outdoors so she can meet baby. Ideally you can all spend the Easter break doing some nice things in the local area while you pop into mum a couple of times. If she has the funds to allow that and you can catch her in the right frame of mind I'm sure she'd choose to spend money on seeing you all.

Ask her for the money and let that be the decider

You don't do anything. She decided her life many years ago and wont accept help now. If she had accepted help to calm her drinking and it was working, I would say go.
She has already said not to bother her (with getting on with her own demise) and you irritated her when you said you would go regardless.
Please don't feel guilty, or go. This agreement that she has with herself is on her.
Your other siblings have managed to relinish her as you should now. Your own family is far more important than a Mum who doesn't want you there.
I know it's heartbreaking, but sometimes you just have to let people destroy their own lives, as you carry on with yours. I'm sure that you've already got the responsibility on your shoulders of being nothing like your mother, where your children are concerened x

You don’t get that time back once it’s gone. After her death you will probably regret not seeing her. It’s something you can’t explain until after your mum dies. I keep saying it to my husband but he doesn’t quite get it. I know it’s costly and extremely difficult with a child. Have you no one that can help? At all?

You are looking at this situation through your own lens and grief, Your mother and your relationship with her was entirely different to OP’s. Clearly OP has suffered a lot of trauma, why would she expose two young children to the same environment?

my husbands mother is very like OPs description, depressive, alcoholic and a chain smoker. She has not met our son nor will she. Will that cause my husband some grief when she passes, (yes probably) does he still feel it’s safer to our child not to be exposed to that type of person and environment - most certainly.

Can I just ask? You say you are a one income family and not a one parent family. What do you mean exactly? Have you a partner but he’s not working? If so why can’t he help?

Thank you everyone for your input, husband is on shared parental leave until June. He would and has helped get us over there. We just don't have a spare thousand at the moment! I really appreciate everyone's views on both sides. She was and is abusive and I've definitely forgiven her. I call her every day and she speaks to the children on the phone but it's a different thing being there. She gets really nasty at the drop of a hat and I'm proud that my children have never been around anything like that.

Sorry this isn't making much sense I tried to go back and edit but the app is being weird!

Snsll wonder your younger siblings no longer speak to her. It’s hard being the last one left who bothers with her but truthfully she is really not worth bothering about.

I would start by no longer calling her every day. Examine via a therapist why you feel the need to call her everyday.

If she can turn nasty at the drop of a hat you can readily assume that at some point your kids will get verbal abuse from her. If she cannot be civil then you should not reward her with daily phone calls. She taught you how to be codependent and that is doing you no favours at all. You have never been responsible for her but she made you feel like you are.

It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

You owe her nothing and she will never give you the approval you perhaps still seek from her.