28F, feeling stuck after 5-year relationship — need advice on leaving

[YourMauveLion]

Hi everyone,

I’m 28 (turning 29 in November) and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We both own our own houses, but I spend most weekends at his. I love him, and I know he loves me too he’s done thoughtful things like making me a Valentine’s hamper and helping with practical stuff like fixing my car. But lately, I’ve been feeling like I can’t stay in this relationship, even though part of me is scared to leave.

Some of the main issues:

• Criticism and nastiness: He constantly says he’s “tidying up after me” or cleaning my mess, even though I clean up after myself — kitchen, shower, bathroom, everything I use. I keep asking him what mess he’s talking about, and he can’t or won’t give examples. This always ends up in an argument where I can stay calm, but he shouts at me and calls me immature or other names. I also clean my own house during the week so that my weekends are free to relax, and I think he may feel resentful that he spends his weekends cleaning while I’m chilling. Of course I help out when I can, but I am not going to deep clean his house and mine.
• Controlling and stingy behavior: Even though I bring most of my own food, if I use some of his frozen chips or snacks, he accuses me of scrounging off him. It’s controlling and stressful, and makes it hard to feel relaxed when I’m there.
• Low sexual intimacy: We haven’t had sex in 3 months. Our sex life has always been limited and repetitive, and despite me raising it multiple times, he rarely initiates. I feel unwanted and frustrated.
• Stubbornness and lack of reflection: He is very stubborn, defensive, and shuts down when I try to discuss how I’m feeling. He often dismisses my feelings with comments like, “There you go making yourself a victim again.” I feel like I can’t have a conversation without it turning into hostility, and he rarely takes responsibility for his actions.

The combination of all this nastiness, criticism, control over food, lack of intimacy, dismissing my feelings, and constant hostility makes me feel annxious, unhappy and exhausted. We’ve broken up briefly in the past, but always got back together, often for holidays or because I hoped things would change.

I’m scared to leave because of my age and wanting kids. I’m 28 and I worry that if I start over, I might not find someone and won’t have children. But I also feel relief when I step away from the conflict, and I know I can’t keep living like this.

Has anyone else been in a long-term relationship where you loved the person but the day-to-day treatment made you unhappy? How did you know it was time to move on, and how did you deal with the fear of starting over? Any advice or shared experiences would be really appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

I split with my husband when I was 34(prime baby making age!) honestly the best thing that happened for me.
He never wanted to go out and do anything, never helped around the house, just wanted to sit and game talking to strangers on the internet.

Honestly the best thing to happen to me. I’ve met someone else who’s a million times better.

Don’t be afraid to start over, you’ve still got plenty of time to start a family. You own your own home so getting away won’t be too hard.

None of this sounds like a recipe for a relationship that should add children into the mix. You are a spring chicken at 28 - learn some lessons from this relationship and move on. Find a kind, responsible person who makes you laugh and you enjoy being around with, and have emotional and physical intimacy with, to have babies with. It is not this person.

You’re 28, that’s so young. I just don’t understand why you’re putting up with this.
End it literally right now and get on with enjoying the rest of your life

Around 27-30 many of my friends split from their long term boyfriends. They all met different, more compatible partners in their 30s and had children. I think it's a bit of a make or break age when commitment starts to feel real. You have time and if this relationship isn't working out you don't have to stay.

28 is a great age to go through a life change. Would your work offer any opportunities to do a 'placement' in another part of the company? You could move away for a few months or even a few weeks, to get some perspective and feel the sweet peace of not being near someone who criticises you so regularly.

If he is complaining about your 'mess' and 'scrounging' now it would get much worse if you had a baby. You'd be much more dependent on him and much less able to clean up. I'm sure you are wonderfully domesticated.

"I love him, and I know he loves me too he’s done thoughtful things like making me a Valentine’s hamper and helping with practical stuff like fixing my car"

That's not love.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Stop hoping he will change or hope for change re him.
This is who he really is and he’s not going to change. Look at his family background op, that will
also give you clues. He does this because he can and he’s learnt too this works for him. He is abusive towards you and your relationship to him should be completely over now.

At 28 you should have the world at your feet. Do not ever settle for crumbs from an abusive man in the shape of some naff hamper or work on your car. He does not love you and such types also hate women, ALL of them. Staying with him will only further damage you and he’s not father material either.

You have your own home so remain there full time and from there tell him that it’s over between you two. Do enrol yourself onto the Freedom program and read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood. Men like this can and do wreak already weakened boundaries so I would urge you not to enter into another relationship until such time that you’ve healed. Love your own self for a change.

Holy crap. You’re so young. And you’re not tied to him. Get away from this man and enjoy the rest of your life!

Thank goodness you have your own house. You’re young, he’s deeply unpleasant and this would only increase if you ever lived together. He’s shown you who he is. My daughter is 30 and my words to her last time a relationship didn’t feel right was walk away, never compromise who you are. You’re likely to feel extremely relieved when you end this.

He sounds like a covert narcacist

It’s really not a good idea to have children with this man. Imagine having to share a house with him to be constantly abused with no escape.

Thank you everyone, reading these comments has really opened my eyes to how bad it actually is. I think because I’ve been living in it for so long it’s felt almost normal to be treated this way?

Above all else: you absolutely do not want a child with this man. So whether it happens in your future or not, if you want kids your only option is to leave now. If you have a child in this relationship it will be a toxic upbringing for them. He will speak to them in exactly the same way. They will never feel cherished.

You deserve happiness, and this isn’t it. You are very lucky that you have your financial independence so splitting is easy. Go now. You are still so so young. You are younger than you can possibly realise.

When I was 26 I ended a long term relationship that was making me unhappy and was terrified I’d missed my chance of meeting someone and having children. I’m now 39 and married with two children, without having rushed into any of it, and feel daft for having worried about my age back then.

I met my now husband around a year after my other relationship ended and couldn’t be happier. Having little kids can be tough on any relationship and I cannot imagine having had children with my ex.

What I’m saying is, I get it but you have time to find someone else (the right person) and have children. I’ve tended to find that relationships move much more quickly in your late 20s so in five years time you could easily be with someone new and have a baby!

Please do not waste any more time on him. You are super young, you have plenty of time to have children. Good luck, OP.

I left a relationship at the same age. Best thing I ever did.

I didn't realise how much it had ground me down until I was out.

Met my husband six months later. It was all just so much easier.

Get out now while time is on your side. Your partner should raise you up, not put you down.

You have your whole future to look forward to, go get the life you deserve 💕

28 is young and you have plenty of time, although the longer you delay ending things the less time you have to meet a decent partner. Having children with this man would damage the children.

You sound like you're only together because you're both too scared to make the break and move on. That's not understandable but not a good reason to continue.

Do you want to be here in 50 years with a life wasted in a miserable relationship?

Life is too short to be wasting your time with this man. I'm sorry but he's not the right one for you.. You aren't happy with him and he's not going to change. You need to extract yourself from the relationship. Best wishes OP. You're going to be much happier in the future. It will be fine.

28 years is a great age to start a new chapter. Don't delay, life is too short. You'll find happiness again.

Another day spent with this man is another day wasted when you could possibly have met the man who cherishes you.

Your current bf is mean spirited, tight, calls you names, and doesn’t want to sleep with you.

Having a child with him would be a very bad decision indeed.

You’re very young. You have plenty of time to find someone better. This won’t be difficult. Ask friends to invite you to everything and turn up! Join meet up groups and new hobbies etc. You’ll soon extend friendship networks and meet plenty of new people.

However I do suggest some counselling. To work through why you don’t think you deserve better until now, and to help make sure you weed out these type of men sooner in future.

Since he has a nasty streak, I would gradually remove anything you care about that you have at his house and when you’re ready send a text saying it isn’t working for you anymore, and you wish him well, but not to contact you.

you’ll be ok 🌺

It feels almost normal because he's been training you to get so used to it you think it is normal. It's not normal. He's a miserable, controlling arse.

Please don't have a baby with someone who criticises any kind of untidiness or mess, is tight as a crab's arse, and constantly dismisses your feelings.

I left my boyfriend at 28.

He wasnt right for me. And I was / am fussy and didnt want to settle.
I never regretted the breakup even when long term single.

I met my dh at 34 (i aggressively did OLD bt was also okay not meeting anyone but wanted to know i "tried my best")
We have a nice house a dog and 2 kids....

The man you choose to have children with is incredibly important to your own happiness. Possibly single greatest determinant (how depressing)
As a mother I would rather be childless than cohabit / coparent a child with the man you described.

He’s absolutely awful. Really nasty behaviour that will only get worse. Leave him. You aren’t too old at your age to start again - that’s insane.
i met my husband at 30! 28 is nothing!!

The most important decision you will ever make is who will be the father of your children. Make that choice wisely, because the wrong choice will land a pestilence in your life that will blight your future and potentially seriously damage your children