Struggling with mum’s emotional dependence and negativity

[Ilovethatforyou]

I’ve been formulating this post for a while, I think I just need to write it down. Any thoughts appreciated or solidarity if you are going through similar. It’ll be long i think!!

I always used to have a close relationship with my mum. But as I look back through adult eyes, I do see I offered her quite a lot of emotional support through her childhood. I was privy to all the arguments with my dad and often involved in mediating between them. I definitely felt a sense of treading on eggshells to try and keep her level.

when I got married she did find it hard that our relationship shifted. We would still talk / text a lot but not the daily updates I maybe gave before. When I had kids and life got much busier, we moved about 20 mins away (having previously been an hour or more). I thought it would be nice as there could be some little “pop in for tea”’moments. Whatever I gave was never really enough for her and I get many comments along the lines of “I know you’re so busy”.

I work in an intense job 3 days a week which I feel she resents (she’s does know I’m not happy and in encouraging a shift away). On my other two days i tend to either do a bit of extra work then chores or maybe see a friend I haven’t seen for months for a coffee. Weekends are manic with ferrying kids around. I do call her but find it’s often through gritted teeth.

she has become more right wing as she’s got older. She doesn’t have any hobbies so is quite at the mercy of her algorithm. It’s made her very angry and bitter and despite me politely asking we don’t get bogged down in negativity every time we talk, she continues to spout a daily mail or GB news headline. I’ve gently encouraged her to come off social media.

I am an empathetic person and can see she has lost herself but it feels like it’s somehow down to me to fix it (she has said she doesn’t want it to sound that way). I’ve suggested counselling, anti depressants, trying out something new etc. She sort of agrees but then nothing happens.

I had my whole family around for lunch yesterday as DF has just finished cancer treatment. My DS and DM were quite tense with each other and the day ended on a slightly sour note between them. I called to wish a happy Mother’s Day but DF said she’s not taking calls as is low and won’t get out of bed/doesnt want to talk. This has made me feel like shit and I haven’t actually done my usual text to say “hope you’re ok” etc. Memories from the past are really surfacing at the moment, like her telling me when I was 13, on holiday, that she’d once considered suicide. I remember my dad beating down the bathroom door as he was worried mum would harm herself.

I don’t think she does these things on purpose to upset me. But I’m reaching my limit.

Theres more I could write but I think that enough for now! It’s made me feel better getting it out, even if no-one reads it

I read it @Ilovethatforyou
Had many similar issues with my parents. I’m a lot older than you so they are no longer here. But I literally acted as a peacemaker all
my life and now they are no longer here, it’s not that I regret it, but I really wish I hadn’t.
It was really unfair of them to treat me like that as it also affected my relationships.
What am I trying to say? Not sure how old your parents are, but my first thought was for your poor dad. He’s unwell himself and he’s had to deal with all that today.
Mother’s Day. Lovely when all is well but all it’s done for you is put a mirror up to what’s happening.
Your mum is unlikely to change. And now she’s gone full-on GB News, I feel for you.
You don’t have to change who you are but it’s time to take a step back. She is doing what she’s doing to get a reaction.
And if she can’t see it in person she will like to know she’s upset you.
Keep on keeping on with your hardworking life, with your wonderful family. I’m not saying go NC, that’s extreme, but that feeling of dread in your stomach will continue if this continues.
Accept no judgements on how you live your life. Keep living it and being who you are.
But being a lifelong sticking plaster should not be any child’s job.
Again, your mum is not going to change but you can certainly change your reactions and how you feel about them.
She has had a shit day today because it’s what she chose.
You keep choosing yourself and your own family.
Do not feel guilty, do not feel pressured, and do not give in.
Edited to add - I am very sorry you have had that suicide knowledge. Again, you should have been shielded from that.

@ThisJadeBear thank you so much for your kind response. I genuinely appreciate it.

I’m sorry you were also dear the peacemaker card. It’s very hard to step out of that as guilt comes knocking. She wouldn’t take any calls for about 3 days last year and I hate to think of it as emotional manipulation but I think that’s what it is. I haven’t texted to check in, but she’ll know I’ve tried calling twice. The emotional and practical labour has def been hard for her through dad’s treatment and she’s said she feels guilty for even complaining as he’s going through the treatment itself. But complain she has, daily. So I empathise but my empathy muscle is getting worn out!

thanks again for the lovely words and good advice x

Try not to worry @Ilovethatforyou
One thing I wasted so much time on is hoping the dynamic would change. It possibly did eventually but it was my mum who was ill and my dad stepped up.
One thing I did do was get therapy and again, I wish I hadn’t left it so long.
Honestly, your story is so, so common.
I will say it again, she will be hard to change even if your behaviour does. If she takes her to her bed and you don’t call at all, she won’t have a realisation, but you will!!!
That your life goes on.
You can still be there for your dad, and her, but I realised that parents should not have children to see them as best mates/carers/peacemakers.
I have memories of being about 8 or 9, my dad hadn’t come home from the pub one Sunday and my mum was sobbing, and I mean sobbing. I told her to my room and I actually walked to the pub and went in and told him off!
I did love them, they did a lot for me, but they got me far too involved in their marriage from a young age.
Keep going, talk to your friends, and just know you are caring to keep caring.
And I bet she’s had GB News on in bed or on her phone!

Thank you so much ❤️. It means a lot. I wonder whether I’ll be particularly distant with my own kids as I really don’t want them tied up in my emotions. At least I’m aware of not doing that (I think!!) but I know none of us are perfect

You won’t be you just won’t burden them!

It’s wrong of her to bring you into all
of this. You shouldn’t feel guilty. And it’s reasonable to prioritise you and your family if she’s trying to drag you down and make you feel guilty.

It isn't right that she's using you as an emotional crutch one minute and then refusing to talk to you the next.

I have a really good friend whose mother is like this. My friend has a younger sister. My friend is like you and her younger sister is not. Her younger sister does not pander to her mother at all.

I was listening to them discussing these dynamics and her sister explained that she learned along the way that she could invest every minute of every day trying to make her mother happy and her mother would still never ever be happy so at that point she decided to consciously stop pandering to her.

She is still a very pleasant and caring woman but she does not enable her mother in the same way her older sister does. She is indeed correct, her mother is no happier with the elder pandering sister.

Take from that what you will.