Partner does not seem to care when I am ill (or birthdays, special days etc)

[maudiepie]

Am I alone in this or is this common, and how do other people deal with this?

My partner is an otherwise loving man. He is affectionate and usually caring.

However, I'm noticing a pattern.

I am not usually unwell, but have been really feeling rough since Tuesday (5 days). For the first few days he was at work so I kind of looked after myself. But these past couple of days he has been home.

I am not myself - very tired, no energy. I had to have blood tests on Friday.

I had to beg for him to take me to the drs for the blood tests. I felt really weak and asked him if he could drive me and come into the drs with me. I wouldn't usually ask - but i felt so weak.

This was during a break in his shift (working from home) but he was so stressed about it - and he kept saying, no I'll drop you off at the door.

In the end I had to beg and he made a really big deal about it and we had an argument. I thought i was going to fall over or not be strong enough to walk in to the dr.s

Over the past couple of days he hasn't checked on me if I'm in bed. Yesterday it was a beautiful day and he kept saying "let's go out for a day trip". I said I don't really feel up for it but then he acted all disappointed and in effect guilt tripped me in to saying yes.

Today was the same thing. I've told him to please feel free to go out without me. take the dog for a walk etc but he's been like "I don't want to go out by myself." and acts all petulant.

For the last two days I've asked if he could get up early to feed the pets and bring me a coffee in bed - I explain that it would feel really nice if he could do that. Well, that ended in an argument as he wanted a lie in - and so I just got up myself to do it.

I had to go back to bed for a few hours today- he hasn't checked on me, nothing. I had to ask him if he would bring me a cup of tea - he did - in a used paper cup. I asked him why he wasn't checking on me and doesn't seem concerned about how unwell I am.

His answer - I was in a good mood until I came up here and you're ruining it. You're in a bad mood.

It's like he has no sense of what's expected when someone's unwell. I don't want him to stop what he's doing, but checking on me - asking if I need anything would be nice. It's like out of sight out of mind.

I've been told by others - oh, you know - ask for what you want. When I do - he acts so badly then it turns into an argument and I end up being the bad one.

I've ended up having to constantly tell him I'm not well - and then I sound like a real drag.

This is a man who I looked after for the first year of our relationship when he was in hospital and couldn't then drive himself anywhere for six months and who I constantly checked in with.

He is the same with birthdays etc - I've given up expecting him to buy me a card or do anything special. This year I've had to give him a list of how I'd like my birthday to be - I'm not talking champagne and roses - just a simple thing like: I would love a cup of tea in bed. I would love a birthday card and maybe for us to do something special on the day or evening.

I end up feeling unloved and unwanted - and then it causes an argument.

it seems like he's beyond even being asked. Look, I know this isn't what you like on your birthdays but this is what makes me feel loved.

Or, when you bring me a cup of tea I feel looked after .

Just silly stuff but he just doesn't seem to get it.

I feel like leaving and just looking after myself. I might as well.

Fuck this! Terrible way to treat the person you love.

“I feel like leaving and just looking after myself. I might as well.”

Please do this. Because he doesn’t actually love you. He loves what you do for him, not you. So when his favourite appliance stops working properly, he gets annoyed rather than concerned. Think about it - you rely heavily on your vacuum cleaner to keep your home clean, but you don’t actually care about it when it stops working, you just feel annoyed that you have to either resort to a dust pan and brush or live with dirty floors until it’s up and running again. You, @maudiepie, are more than an appliance and deserve to be with someone who treats you like a human being, even if that someone is you, as you’re better off alone than dehumanised.

What kind of example did he have during his childhood? If his parents were nurturing, he has no excuse for not being able to care for you when you are ill. But if he didn't have a good example, you will have to spell it out for him, in very simple terms

Well now you know what’s he’s actually like

I mean the first year of your relationship and he was happy to take take take from you, didn’t he have friends or family to drive him around? But he can’t even make you a tea in a real cup.

Come on @maudiepie What are you doing?

Get your strength back, do what you need to do to do that pretend he’s not there because he isn’t effectively and get out of this imbalanced miserable excuse for a loving relationship.

For context: if I do something daft like stub a toe H will look after me more than this, even if I accidentally drop a glass!

@maudiepie I was going to ask, "What does he expect you to do if he is unwell?", then reached your statement that you had helped him FOR A WHOLE YEAR when he was ill.

His behaviour is not normal. He will not even do the bare minimum without making you feel worse for asking.

Anyone can act lovingly when it is easy. How someone responds when you are unable to benefit them is most telling.

On your birthday, why would he not want to celebrate the person he loves?

When you have recovered, please start (quietly) making plans to separate.

What a self-centred bastard he is. Not a shred of care, concern or empathy anywhere and he doesn't give a shit about your feelings. He's is only bothered about the inconvenience to him.

As soon as you are well again, start making plans to ditch him.

He thinks the purpose of you is to serve him and enhance his life. When you are ill or otherwise in need/expectant of some care and attention he doesn't like it because he thinks it should only work one way. He's irritated that "the appliance" is malfunctioning basically.

This is not normal. No-one would treat someone they loved in this way - so what does that tell you?

As a general guide, I think the time to leave is whenever you find yourself having to explain decent adult behaviour to another adult - like if you are ill, it would be nice for them to deal with the animals and make you a drink. Or that you would like a card and a treat on your birthday. It's not that they they don't know that, it's that they don't care.

You are not loved

leave

This man doesn’t love you as he should OP. Quite frankly it sounds like he doesn’t even like you. I would get out of there pronto. Don’t invest any more time or effort into this. He has shown very clearly he won’t be there for you if you ever fall unwell or struggle with your mental health. You have been there for him but he will not reciprocate. What does that tell you?

I had a childhood “best friend” like that, she trauma dumped for decades, borrowed money, always expected me to pick up the bill when we went out and generally used me as a 24/7 therapist. She was nowhere to be seen when I started having my own issues and even before that she would consistently forget my birthday while always expecting me to remember hers and all of her children’s birthdays.

For anyone who has a partner or friend or family member like this it’s not an accident, it’s not ‘just how they are’ - it’s how they see you. As someone above explained, they see you like an appliance and when you’re not working properly you’re no use so they get frustrated.

I have this. My DH used to just leave me alone or even get annoyed when I was unwell. He also used to get annoyed if one of the kids was sick on the carpet or rug which I totally called him out for. I’ve told him for birthdays what I would like but he sticks with what he thinks and what he wants to do. Don’t get me wrong he does buy me stuff but it’s based on money and not real thought. All I want is a foot rub and a cuppa in bed like you said and to feel appreciated. The not checking in on you when your unwell especially when you feel vulnerable is terrible and it’s an awful feeling. My DH has improved somewhat but it took many arguments and years of banging my head against a brick wall for him to change and even now he isn’t perfect. Sometimes I think he just acts the way he thinks he should but it does not come naturally to him. When I’m unwell I want someone with me and a hug but if he’s ill he just wants space. We are different people and I accept that to a degree but it’s not been easy. We are together really for the kids and our current lifestyle but often crave being with someone more empathetic. There are men like that out there I know that x

He is not a loving person and only loves himself.
He will not change.
If you want more of the same, stay.
Saying he’d drop you off at the doctors when you are clearly struggling is borderline abusive.
You’d be better off living alone than living like this.

My DH is generally great, (well aside from when things are really shitty) but he is terrible when I’m ill. I too could be left in bed for hours without being checked on, he has no concept of caring for ill people and thinks unless you’re in bed ill, you can’t really be ill.

Its as if he cannot handle me not being in full working mode.

he's not much of a "partner".
i wouldn't be able to tolerate that.

Think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. I haven’t come across such a well worded response before to this senario.

My DH is the same, cannot cope with me if I’m ill or had a shitty time at work.

He doesn't seem to like you. You deserve better.

He is selfish and unkind. He won’t change.